Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Frustrating Dreamscape, AGAIN

Anyone who knows me knows this is a picture that rattles my nerves. I am viscerally freaked out by this image, but it's the one that best portrays what my dreams last night made me feel.First dream: Lance was still alive, or back, maybe, and I knew exactly when he was going to die, but he didn't. I don't think he even knew he was sick. Every moment was tinged with great sadness, because I couldn't let him know. We went down to the University of Mississippi, his alma mater, and I pointed out that there was a traditional rebel flag flying, but it was old and tattered. It was definitely out of place, but not, if that makes sense. He laughed about that. We went to the "library" which was a very opulent place, with artwork all over and very elaborate, swooping walkways -- very elegant, kind of art deco style. I was wearing a ball gown -- a kind of light blue with a little hint of green, with a shimmering, nearly transparent outer fabric. The fabric underneath was the same color, but satin, and I felt beautiful in this dress. He kept lingering over certain things, laughing, enjoying, but I felt a sense of urgency, knowing how little time we had. His friend Mike was with him, and that contributed to his dallying. Eventually, Lance and I were home, and he was still oblivious to the impending end of his life. I felt the weight of the knowledge I had get heavier and heavier, though he remained his usual cheerful self. I don't recall the details, but I know we were separated at the time of his death, which is not what happened in real life. I recall, though, trying to get to him from wherever I was, but it just wasn't possible.

Second dream: I am going to Las Vegas to attend a work-related gathering, which I have done in real life. I'm staying at one of those giant, opulent hotels. My (good) sister is staying there as well, along with a lot of people I've worked with online over the years. Arnie is concerned about my going and being there alone. I get checked in, go to my room, and leave my things. I leave the room to go meet up with other people. I don't realize it but I haven't brought my room key or my ID, money, etc. I do meet some folks face to face that I've only known online and we have a good time. I head back to my room, but realize I don't have my key, etc. I need to get dressed for an event that evening that is pretty formal. I mention to one of my co-workers that I need to get ready but don't have my room key. She suggested I just use one of their bathrooms to shower in. I go to where a common bathroom is, but it's already being used. I lie down on the floor, because I'm so sleepy, and do fall asleep. I try to wake up to check to see if it's empty, but I just can't stay awake. This goes on several times, until I'm finally able to wake up enough to stand. By that time I realize I have to get to my room, and I head toward the hotel lobby. As it turns out, it's a long, circuitous route to that area, but finally I find it. I tell them that I realize they can't just hand this out, but I need a duplicate room key and will be willing to give them any information necessary to verify that I am who I say I am. They give me a look that says, "Yeah, right." An older woman gets some paperwork and asks me to move over to another area to get this info. I have some papers in my hand that keep slipping out, and I'm having to stop and pick them up frequently. The lady asks me to write down my date of birth, and a few other things, which I try to do, but the paper she wants me to write on is very thin and flimsy, so that if you don't do it just right, it will tear. I start to write my DOB, but realize it's in the wrong place, so I scratch it out, and then fear they'll think I'm lying because of that. I again try to write it down, but the paper is just too flimsy. The woman has disappeared anyway, so I have to go find someone else who can help me. This person is more helpful, and I tell them not only can I give them my DOB, I can give them the 3 digit security code from my credit card, along with about the first 10 numbers. Then I realize my sister is in the hotel and can vouch for me, so I tell them that, too, but the DOB and CC info is enough, and I get my duplicate room key. Though I've seen them somewhere, I don't remember where they are, and ask for directions. They say they're not allowed to tell us that -- company policy. So, in great frustration, I start searching for the elevators that will get me up to my room. Walking, walking, walking -- so tired -- there are show people everywhere -- glittery costumes, theaters with Vegas-like performances going on, but no elevators. I get lost, because there are no landmarks that are any different from any others. I try to ask people for directions, but everyone is so busy with what they're doing that they don't even notice me. I find an area where there are some things for sale -- perfume is the thing closest to me, and there are some salespeople and janitors there. This area is not as ritzy as the rest of the hotel, and it's practically deserted of anyone but staff. I go up to 2 of the male janitors, and tell them what's been going on. I beg them to please please please tell me how to get to the freakin' elevators, and they agree, because they think the no-tell policy is stupid, and they can see how frustrated and tired I am. One guy gives me directions while the other guy looks out for people trying to listen in. I thank them and head in the direction they told me. But quickly I realize I've forgotten the instructions, and can't find my way back to them. More and more one to help... Then I either wake up or just can't remember the rest.



RunAwayImagination said...

First dream: This is the time of year that we both observe the painful anniversaries of the deaths of our former spouses. We were talking about basketball and how he enjoyed cheering for his favorite teams, as did my own Nancy. Last night as we watched the girls' final game, high-fiving when Maryland pulled it out at the last minute, the thought came to me that Nancy would have been doing the same thing (only a lot louder!). So maybe this is what stirred up those thoughts.

I don't think you ever completely "get over" something like we've been through. You just digest and digest, slowly incorporating the painful reality into your everyday existence. You try your best to make sense of it, but in the end, there is no sense to be made. There is no "sense" to us even being born in the first place, and so there is no "sense" to us dying either. It is our job, and our job alone, to extract the meaning of life and death for ourselves.

I think that one of the attractions of the more rule-bound religious beliefs is that they give you a ready-made, instant set of meanings about life, existence and death. And as long as you don't challenge them, they can work quite well. But if you allow yourself to awaken more fully to the ultimate realities of life as you slowly understand them for yourself, you must give up those ready-made explanations.

I'm not sure how much of the above relates directly to your dream. But you did know Lance was going to die, because he had a serious heart condition. So maybe you were wishing that you and he had had more time to extract the marrow of life.

Maybe your second dream is about feeling lost in your current life, looking for instructions about where to go next and not certain of where you should go or how to get there. If it was a work-related gathering, then perhaps you are feeling the need for that kind of structure in your life. Your sister and husband were there, maybe to guide you. The friendly janitor who finally guided you might mean that you really know that people will guide you if you just ask them - but they might not be the "official" people who are "supposed" to guide you. The secretive nature of the "official" staff might signify the secretive and confusing nature of your former employment. Remember, you had to send them a msg last night about taxes, so perhaps that started your subconscious on those issues.

neuroticillinifan said...

There are times when I'd think you were my sister, except I don't have a sister.

I often have hotel dreams, similar in some ways to yours. In my dreams I am always staying in a very large hotel, and you can't get to all the floors from one staircase or elevator. I always get very confused trying to get back to my room, and I will spend enormous amounts of time roaming up and down staircases trying to get back to the appropriate floor. I am never successful in these dreams. I always wake from extremely frustated.

As you said,