Thursday, February 09, 2006

Typical Weirdness, for me

It's been a weird 24 hours -- kind of a roller coaster of emotions. The first part of the 24 hours was wonderful, really. I heard from several friends and got a lot of positive strokes, which did my heart and soul so much good. But somehow, it all kind of fell apart later in the evening. I'm not really sure what happened. Maybe it was because a friend and I were talking about internet predators and how it's impossible to catch them all. Maybe it was because I realized that it's just possible that I now regret not having been able to have a child of my own. Maybe it was because I was thinking of my sister's children, and hoping they're somehow ok, even though they live in what must be virtually "Hell House". Or maybe it was because I started considering returning to work at my old job, though I was surprised to find they'd want me back. I don't know -- probably a combination of all of that.

I talked with Hubby about the possibility of returning to my old job, and he counseled against it, which was also a little bit surprising. He's been having to carry the entire financial burden of this household since November, and he worries about having enough money to pay the bills. I thought if I returned to just a few shifts a week I could make enough to ease his mind and also not tax myself too greatly. But he thinks that if I did return to online moderation with the company I quit due to stress and problems with management, I would be zapping my strength that I need for recovery. I guess he's right, but I hate not contributing to this household. He thinks my depression is showing through because I did not take a morning Klonopin the last two days. I do feel the depression more right now, and my psychiatrist warned me that this might happen after the anxiety/panic was not so prominent. Let's hear it for the psychic psychiatrist. But now what?

I'm hoping that now that I'm on 150 mgs of Effexor (since yesterday -- we titrated the dose over the last 3 weeks to wean me off Lexapro and Buspar, and on to Effexor) I'll start to feel better soon. It's not that I feel as bad as I did 6 weeks ago, but it's a little disconcerting to feel this gloom again. Life is complicated, isn't it?

Got all of the nieces, nephews, and grandkids' Valentine's Day gifts mailed, along with a gift to my sister-in-law. She is mentally retarded and lives in a group home in Virginia. I included a bag of goodies for the staff and other residents -- I hope she follows directions and actually shares with them! Either way, I know she'll be tickled to get a package from us. She always is, and that's a delight for me. I love her phone calls, as she now talks more and in complete sentences, rather than just one word answers. Sometimes she's unintentionally funny, but then again, sometimes I think she means to be. Hubby claims she's more with it than she lets on, and I wouldn't be surprised. I am looking forward to seeing her next time we visit the DC area, which may be as soon as April -- in time for the Cherry Blossoms. :)


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