Friday, February 10, 2006

Hoping for a snowy weekend

We have a very snowy forecast on the table for this weekend, but I'll believe it when I see it. We had snow on Wednesday, though it didn't really do anything but cover the grass and trees. The schools here opened 2 hours late, but the roads, as best I could tell, weren't really affected much by the mini-blizzard.

Snow is very comforting to me. When I was a child I never understood why we didn't have snow at Christmas. Mind you, I grew up in Pensacola, FL, so the chances were zero and none. But on TV, the little Santa on the Norelco, or should I say Noelco, cruising over the snow-covered fake landscape made me think it was possible. Lying bastards, those Norelco ad agency people. Still, seeing a snow-covered landscape makes me feel good. All of the blemishes are hidden. Everything looks smooth and curvy. Other colors are more vivid against the background of white. I sometimes wish I could cover my mind, heart, and soul with something like that, but in the end, it always melts, and what was there before still is there. Maybe I should learn to dislike the snow.

I've been thinking alot of my late husband lately. I guess I'm still mourning him in some ways. I would have thought I'd have been through with that by now, but maybe some things have lain buried, out of sight, like something snow-covered. Maybe it's reading the "On Grief and Grieving" book that reminds me of those first days, weeks, months...the disbelief and raw, aching pain, deep within the wellspring of my soul.

Last night my Hubby was talking on the phone with a friend about the NPR interview with the film-maker who made the new Neil Young movie, and he told him that the "Harvest Moon" album had been very important to my late hubby and me. Then today, as I was driving to pick up my Hubby's birthday present (Valentine's Day baby -- perfect match!), the song "Harvest Moon" came on the radio, and I just dissolved into tears. The words of that song now kind of rip at my heart, where once they were joyful. It talks about continuing to love someone after a long time -- which represented for us the year he and I were apart, though still loving each other. We were married on October 9, 1993 -- the night of a harvest moon, actually. We danced to that song at our wedding, along with Rod Stewart's version of "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You?". Our marriage was the culmination, for both of us, of years of wandering lost, being associated with other people who were so so wrong for us, and finally, FINALLY getting it right. We knew that together we were 'home'. Neil sings..."because I'm still in love with you, I want to see you dance again, because I'm still in love with you, on this harvest moon..." I still love him, and I know that, wherever and whatever he is, he's still in love with me, too. I'm grateful for the few years we had together and all we crammed into it. I'm grateful he is not in pain any longer, nor limited in any way. I'm grateful to have lived the kind of life that most women, and maybe men, dream of with a partner who is their soulmate.

I'm grateful, too, to again be married to a man who is my soulmate. I'm grateful he understands and honors my past relationships. I'm grateful he allows me full expression of myself, good and bad, happy and sad, reasonable and irrational. He can care for me in ways that my late hubby couldn't, and I'm very grateful for that, too.

Further, I'm grateful to my sweet friend who got me through the interim, in ways only a girl-friend could. She too cared for me in ways no one else could have, and let me care for her in unique ways as well. Having the ability to distract myself with helping someone else make their way in life was much more healing than anything else could have been. I'm grateful for the opportunity to mother her without being her mother.

I think, though, that I'm also, for the first time, sad and mourning the fact that I can't have children. I had a miscarriage in 1988, which means I would have had an 18 year old child by now. That was during my first, hideous marriage to an abusive, perverted alcoholic, so it's truly a blessing that I don't have that connection to bind me to him for life. I'm already bound in my mind, but at least it's MY mind and I don't have to allow visitation for that. But what would it have been like if I'd actually had a child of my own? I can't really imagine. My mother told me forever "don't have kids; you'll never have a life of your own". She was right -- I wouldn't have had a life of my own, but maybe I would have had a better one because of the love between mother and child. There's no way to know. That's why I'm grateful for my husband's grandchildren, and for my 4 nieces and nephews. The sad thing is, there's only 1 of those families with only 1 of those children with whom we have a totally uncomplicated relationship. The others either involve abusive, dysfunctional parents, or divorced parents. All live far away from us, so we utilize the mail a lot. I sent the Valentine's presents out yesterday, and wish I could see the looks on their faces when they receive their surprise packages. At least I think they'll be surprise -- maybe they've realized we're pretty predictable about holiday-type occasions.

On Sunday Hubby and I are leaving for Fall Creek Falls State Park, just a few hours east of us. I hope the roads permit that, but if not, we'll spend our time here in our cozy home, enjoying each other anyway. He's made reservations for us to have a massage together, with candles, etc., at a spa near the state park on Monday, and we're both looking forward to that. He's such a romantic, for which I'm extremely grateful. (Late hubby was too). His birthday, very appropriately, is on Valentine's Day, and I plan to make a Chocolate Cheesecake for him. He's a chocoholic of the greatest order, so I know he'll enjoy it. So will I, for that matter. I have a gift for his birthday, though his Valentine's gifts will arrive later -- or vice versa, depending on how he wants to see it. The main thing is that I will love him with all my heart on that day, and on that evening, we'll be attending a couples class on "Love Beyond Hearts and Flowers". This is part of a 100-city international event through Imago, which I'm not really familiar with. My understanding is that this event is designed to enhance communications between partners, and though I think Hubby and I communicate pretty well, most of the time, there's always room for improvement, so we're both looking forward to this. Thank God I have a partner who actually believes that putting work into our relationship is not only positive, but crucial, if we want to continue to grow together. And we do, we definitely do.

This post has turned out differently than I expected, but I guess I'm not terribly surprised by that. Since I've started this blog, I just start typing, and it comes out -- whatever it is. And I leave it here, knowing that one day, this might make more sense, or be important. For whoever reads this, thank you, and don't worry. I'm OK, and am going to be OK. I have a lot to get out of my system, apparently, and this is one positive way in which I can do it.

Looking for the snow....


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