Dunno

I don't know what to expect of this post. I suppose I could say the same thing every time I write here, but today is more unseeable than usual.

Both my therapist and my husband's therapist have advised us not to respond at all to step-daughter's email. Apparently because of my own craziness/dysfunction, this leaves me feeling as though it is truly ME who has the problem here. Clearly it is, because I'm the one who's making a big deal of what sounds like is viewed as a non-event. I'm sure I'm reading this wrong, because I don't appear to be able to judge things or react correctly. It is becoming clearer to me that I'm crazy, that my feelings and reactions and thoughts are inappropriate. I don't understand why, but this is how it seems to me. Naturally, someone or maybe everyone will tell me I'm wrong, which I'm coming to believe is the status quo for me.

How do I ever trust what I think or feel or see? The answer -- I can't. What does this mean? What happened to make my brain and heart so screwed up? Is it ever going to be fixed? Should I resign myself to not interacting or engaging with real people in real life? It feels much safer here, which of course is wrong. It must be, since I don't seem to do/feel the right thing -- ever.

Yes, I'm feeling very sorry for myself, which is wrong, too. Yes, I want to crawl under a rock somewhere, and be alone in silence for time unending, which too is wrong. Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong. That's me -- wrong.

My Husband now, and since I came into his life, suffers not only the disrespect and abuse heaped upon him by his Daughter, but also the craziness of a vastly mentally/emotionally sub-standard wife. I make him feel bad, which some would say is a co-dependent situation, but I'm sure I'm wrong about that too. He worries about me, feels he has to ask if I'm thinking of harming myself (no, but maybe I'm wrong), and is torn between, according to him "Now I must deal with my wife's emotions in addition to my own. Her feelings of neglect and victimization, memories of me not standing up for her by not standing up to my son-in-law in 2004 when I knew that to do so would only provoke a fight. I knew my best option was to stay silent and let him rage." Apparently, his response/feelings are "right", and because of me, he feels bad.

He further says, in response to a comment on his blog, when asked why we cannot see the grandchildren -- the question was "Doesn't he allow it?": "My wife is not the mother of my daughter, so she is not a blood relative. We were married in Dec. 2003. The 2004 incident was only the 2nd time she had met my daughter. So, in addition to my own feelings of disrespect from my son-in-law, I must respect my wife's feelings. This therefore precludes us from any further contact with that family for the foreseeable future, or until the son-in-law apologizes. I simply cannot force my wife into a situation like this, and for my own sanity I cannot allow myself to be disrespected like this in front of my grandchildren." So I am responsible for his not being able to see his family. Very very wrong of me.

On the other hand, I did attend Hubby's gig last night (he's a professional keyboard player here in Nashville), though I truly did not feel that I could handle being sociable in public. I was quite surprised that my immersing myself into a discussion of a variety of concepts surrounding music itself, media, and, later, spirituality, I was able to have a wonderful time. Was that wrong too? I don't know. I just know I was distracted for a while.

I have an appointment with my therapist Monday, but I don't want to keep it. I feel very stupid, and very childish, and very raw, and very unprotected, and very crazy, and very afraid. I had nightmares all night of a violent, horrific, unpredictable man -- the best I can recall the premise of the dream was that unless you did things exactly his way, really dangerous, violent things would happen, not just to you, but to people/places that meant something to you. No big leap of logic to figure this one out, but the very fact that I have nightmares so frequently, and so many which include my step-SIL and my ex-BIL (sister's abusive husband with whom I've had several violent experiences with) and my own ex-husband (abusive alcoholic, more emotionally than physically), not to mention the man who robbed me at gunpoint when I was a college student, indicates to me that I'm really really crazy and really really plagued with crazy people in my life. So, is there any point to therapy at this point, if the response to people who try to persuade you to collude with their delusions that nothing happened, nothing is wrong is to do/say nothing? I dunno.

WIP