Wednesday, February 08, 2006

People can surprise you, if you let them

Today I got several emails from friends that have left me teary-eyed with joy. It's hard to express the depth and breadth of my satisfaction(?) at the things they've said to me today. It's difficult for me to believe that people love me sometimes. When I'm depressed, as I have been lately, and probably really for quite a while, truth be told, I can't see the trees for the forest (and yes, I meant it the way I said it.) Even long-time friends seem like enemies somehow. Maybe it's because it's them I need the most.

I had not told others what I'd been going through recently until this week, basically, so I really didn't give anyone a chance to help. Why is that so hard for me? I'm always willing to be there for other people, I do my best to suspend judgement of others when they tell me their terrible stories, but I don't generally let them do that for me.

Because of the work I've been doing in therapy and on my own with books I'm reading, I have been realizing that I have to learn to be more open. I have been told that I'm 'hard to get to know' because I don't volunteer much about myself. I guess I'm afraid if people really know me, they'll realize I'm a fraud, not worthy of their love or respect, that I'm really just a child in adult's clothing. I'm not those things, of course, but something in me feels all of that and more. This is something I intend to try to conquer through therapy, etc. I just wish I knew why I can't just believe that people really care about me. Any thoughts??



Purr said...

I feel that we have a special friendship and I enjoy learning new things about you and sharing things about myself. It's amazing the things we have in common! I wish you felt worthy of being cared about though. You are SO worthy my friend....And I am blessed to have you in my life. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

I liked the phrase "I'm really just a child in adult's clothing." I still feel that way myself, though I'm the mother of two. I said something to my oldest yesterday that ended with ...."because I'm your mother." I actually thought to myself .."what?? I'm the mother?" You would think I would be over those little moments since my oldest is 10 years old!!
Enjoying catching up with your life,
Much love,