Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Busy days

The last two days have been extremely busy, but I can't tell you what took up so much time. Funny how that is sometimes. Mostly, I've been writing to people, responding to email, cleaning up some address lists and mailboxes, and talking with different people. I guess that really is a lot, isn't it?

Yesterday I saw my therapist, as is usual on Mondays. I told her about the dream I had about my late husband -- actually, I printed out my blog entry describing it -- and asked for some interpretation of it. Fortunately, she's not of the Freudian school -- you know, everything's a penis -- but sees dreams as more individual and personal, which fits with my own belief system. The part where he 'morphed' into a blonde woman she said might represent me, and that now I am all that remains of 'him', that I'm the keeper of his legacy, so to speak. I thought that was a very reasonable explanation, and probably true. It was so helpful to hear from someone I trust and respect such a positive idea.

Hubby and I have recently been talking about legacies, and what that really means. His feeling is that if you leave people things, especially money, once those things are gone, so is that person who bequeathed it. However, if you leave words, thoughts, and deeds, those live forever. I think that's pretty much true. In my own family, we have no heirlooms. I seem to be the only one, or at least the main one, who cares about such things. Why, I don't know, other than it means a continuity, an additional sense of identity, a greater bond with our ancestors and what they went through to evenutally produce US. I plan to have heirlooms to hand down to my nieces and nephews. Hopefully, they'll want them. If not, I guess they can get rich on eBay, if such a thing exists at that time.

I'm feeling more like myself again, which is a great relief. For a while there I felt so fragmented. I wish there were a defrag button on my own internal hard drive, and a scan disc function, too -- that way the programs could go through and see where there are broken or missing links, corrupted data, and other more subtle issues that make my processor crash. Then they could do the repair work for me, and I'd be good as new. But unfortunately, people are not built with those buttons available, so you have to do the hard work yourself. Which sucks, let me add.

On a positive note, I am also feeling more confident in my abilities to learn and become productive again. I'm thinking of becoming certified in medical records management and/or coding. I'm not sure how that works these days. It used to be that you had to have a Master's Degree to be certified as a Medical Records Administrator (this mostly applies to hospitals, btw), but now I see programs for just certification in medical coding. I'd rather go the 'real' route and get a degree, not just a certificate. Or at least that's what I'm thinking now. I want to continue to explore this idea and make sure it's something I truly want and can commit to. Hubby says whatever kind of education I want to pursue he will see as an investment in our future. Am I lucky or what?

I am fortunate, too, to have a plethora of wonderful friends. I forget that sometimes. Today I spoke, well, IMmed for a long time with someone I adore, and had the time of my life. It was like sitting here with a neighbor drinking coffee and just shooting the breeze. We talked about redecorating and other things, as we usually do, and it was just so refreshing. I spoke online with another friend at length yesterday, and had a similar experience. Again, am I lucky or what?

Tonight we will pick up another friend at the airport. She's returning from seeing her father for what could be the last time. He's been very ill and she's had to make several unexpected trips to Buffalo to see him, but she seems to be at peace with everything. The fact that she was just married on 12/31 to a truly magnificent man is, I think, not coincidental, but synchronystic. They were made for each other, and I can't imagine her needing him in her life more than now. The universe does work things out, eventually.

That's it for now. Until later...


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