Monday, March 13, 2006

Another dream

This dream occurred two nights ago -- trying to get it down before I forget.

I returned home from somewhere with Hubby, and as we drove up the street, I could see that everything on the outside of our home was missing -- the driveway, the porch, even the steps leading up to the door. All that remained was dirt, as though it had all been dug out. Hubby went across the street to get our neighbor, and the two of them went looking for the culprit. When they found him -- in a red 70's era Grand Torino or something similar, like a Charger -- he threatened them that he would be back to get more, and there was nothing they could do about it.

Next dream, same night: I am visiting my exhusband, apparently in jail or somewhere similar. His girlfriend is there -- the polar opposite of me -- much younger, dark curly hair, thin. We are seated at a lunchroom-style table, with food on our plates. There are tiny portions -- meat the size of a golf ball, 5 or 6 green beans, and a tablespoonful of potatoes. He has shaved the top of his hair off -- definitely not balding, but intentional, kind of monkish looking. He was hard, steely, not at all open or friendly, which is his usual nature, oddly enough. The girlfriend was very suspicious of me -- I don't know why I was there but there was some "legal" reason I had to visit him. In my dream I became overwhelmed with a feeling of compassion and sorrow for his life, and I wanted to give him my food, because I realized this was all he had to sustain himself daily. I asked the girlfriend if it would be ok -- I didn't want to appear as though there was any reason for her to be jealous or suspicious, and she reluctantly agreed. Then the scene morphed into my childhood home -- the girlfriend and I were there, and I needed to retrieve some things that belonged to me. Somehow this was where my ex and her lived, though it was my old home. (In real life in our divorce, I gave over our house to him, no strings attached -- signed a quit claim deed, didn't get any equity or anything -- I just needed out.) The girlfriend followed me around, making sure I didn't take anything that wasn't mine, but as I was getting my things, we talked. As time went on, she grew to trust me more, and would tell me things about him that bothered her, which I confirmed was nothing different than what I had experienced with him. I told her some things (I can't remember these details) that she recognized as part of her experience as well, and then realized at last that she needed to get away from him. She kind of became my friend, and wanted me to mentor her in some way. I grew OK with this idea, and we left this house together.

That's it for what I remember. Seeing my therapist today, and may mention these. I wonder sometimes if I'm making any progress, or if therapy and meds do me much good. My friend said during the vacation that I was kind of wavering between 10% and 90% myself -- more like myself than I was a few months ago, but definitely not all there yet. The week before vacation I'd sent out a few resumes, but both she and hubby discussed and agreed that I'm not ready to return to work yet -- still too fragile in some ways. This bothers me -- I'm not used to not being in control, still.

Next week I see the psychiatrist again. I will have to tell her that I don't feel any improvement from the increased dose of Effexor, which makes me feel bad, too -- like I'm not doing something right. I had trouble sleeping while on vacation, and have nightly dreams. I don't know if they're because of the meds, the therapy, all of the above, or none of the above. Things are very complicated in this way.

But, I do feel better than I did a few months ago, so I think I'll stick with my "progress, not perfection" mantra for a while longer.


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