Visiting family members

Last week I had a relatively unexpected visit from my youngest sister, her kids, and my Mom. The visit went well, I have to say, but that was probably because it was brief. Here are the beautiful kids:
Now you can see why I'm so crazy about them. The oldest is 8, and the two younger ones are 11 months apart -- the girl is the older of the two, and will be 2 years old in July. Her younger brother weighs 1 lb. less than her, and is nearly as tall as she is. He's going to be a big man when he grows up. Both of his parents are tall, so I imagine he and his sisters will be as well.

I don't know what to expect from this move, so I'm trying not to have expectations at all. My sister has called me a few times since being down at my Mom's, and I take that as a good sign. She tells me that my mother is driving her nuts, again, but she claims that she understands that she just has to put up with it until she gets her own place. She had a job interview today, but I haven't heard how that went. This was something my mother found for her, which was part of what drives her nuts -- Mom tends to take over people's lives.

The funny thing is that Mom called me last week to say that she'd begun to read Melodie Beatty's "Codependent No More" and recognized herself in it. She said, and I quote "I don't know how any of y'all have stood me", referring to her always trying to tell us all what to do with our lives. I guess she needs to read a little farther.

Tomorrow morning hubby and I leave for the Northern Virginia area. There we'll visit his son, ex-wife, sister, and one of my cousins, as well as perhaps one of his friends there. The original reason for the visit is to take care of some business, which we'll deal with on Friday. Otherwise, the trip is just for leisure. I'm looking forward to seeing the people we'll be with, though I do worry about being overwhelmed. I plan to take as many precautions as possible and let hubby know when I've reached my limit, especially physically.

On the way back Sunday hubby and I will spend one night in Barboursville, WV, which is a suburb of Huntington. WV is a beautiful state, and I really look forward to seeing it during the late spring. I've only been through there once, but what I remember seeing was absolutely stunning in terms of natural beauty. I'm glad we'll have a chance to enjoy the state during a nice drive on a Sunday when we're not in a huge rush. Kentucky will be covered on Monday, and, as I recall, it was just about as gorgeous as West Virginia. All in all, this should be a lovely Memorial Day weekend.

I hope you all have a good holiday as well. Think good thoughts for us, please. :)

WIP

The birds....

Today was the day of the birds, large and small.

We live on a sloping lot on the edge of a great stand of woods, which border a field on the back side. Because of this, and the fact that we have a total of 8 bird feeders (2 suet, 2 thistle, 2 sunflower/mixed seed, 2 hummingbird), we have quite a relationship with many of our feathered friends. This time of year, we see lots of babies coming off the nest, learning from their parents how to obtain their food.

At the suet feeders this week, we've had lots and lots of Starling fledglings. While not the most attractive of babies, they are pretty funny, which counts for a lot. They began this week gathering on our deck, wobbly and fuzzy-looking, watching their Mommy get mouthfuls of yummy suet, begging her to feed them. The first day, she did just that. The next day, the babies got a little more bold and began perching on the rails, looking wobbly still and wanting to be fed. You could tell, though, that she was not bringing them as much as they'd like, so they started competing a little more, becoming brave enough to fly up and perch very precariously on the rope lights we have draped between the feeders. Their attempts to steady themselves was quite entertaining! By the end of the week, though, they were able to get to the suet feeder themselves and get their own food, much to Mom's relief, I'm sure.

As is the case every year, we have wild turkeys that live in the woods behind our house. Now these guys totally crack me up. They walk around in our yard and in the neighbors', seemingly oblivious to what goes on around them, until someone comes outside! Then they hurriedly rush toward the woods, in some kind of turkey race-walk-strut thing. Occasionally, the fly into the trees. I will never forget the first time I heard a flock of turkeys "take off" from the trees at sunset -- it happened to be on Halloween night, nearly 3 years ago. It sounded like helicopters! Now, though, I'm used to them and still find their antics pretty entertaining. I just looked up what they eat, and there doesn't appear to be anything I'm willing to put out for them that would be attractive, so I'll just have to keep hoping for their occasional visits and antics.

But today was the pinnacle of my bird experiences. I noticed this afternoon that there was a baby robin, still with pin feathers, hopping around on my front porch. It looked a little like this:
After it had hopped to the edge of the porch and continued to just sit there for about 20 minutes, I wondered if it was injured. It didn't appear to be -- it just appeared to be lost. I then wondered if it would fly away if I tried to join him on the porch, so, in that event, I took a book with me and, as slowly and as quietly as I could, I opened the door -- fully expecting to be alone on that porch, reading. However, it surprised me and stayed put! I sat down on the porch steps, and just watched for a bit. I could then hear this little bird calling out to its mother (I'm assuming), but not acting as though he were frightened. I continued to sit there, observing in silence, when, surprisingly, it began hopping toward me! I stayed still, and, the next thing I knew, it hopped up on my arm!!! I was shocked!!! It didn't appear ill or injured, or even nervous -- just young. I noticed when it heard an adult robin call, it would call in return. None of the adults seemed to care, though. The baby continued to sit contentedly in my hand, but I knew it couldn't last forever, so I slowly lowered it to the ground, at which time it decided to poop on me! lol I knew it had to happen sooner or later! But once it reached the ground, it flew about 4 feet, and began hopping across the lawn. It reached the woodpile we have under a tree, and began its calls again. This time, an adult robin seemed to recognize, or at least respond to them. At that point, the adult got close to the baby, then turned around and hopped a short distance away. The baby followed. I think I saw the adult feed the little one at one point, but can't be sure. I continued to watch their little march up my lawn, until I couldn't see them anymore. I can only hope that this little fearless treasure continues to survive and even thrive. It certainly touched my life unexpectedly and made my day incredibly special.

Peace.
WIP

The joy of friendship

Today I'm home after five days in Memphis, visiting friends. I'm so very happy to say that it was absolutely wonderful. :) Sometimes seeing people, especially people whose friendship means a lot to me, is very difficult -- I avoid it at times for fear of rejection. You know, the old "I'll avoid you first so I don't have to risk you not wanting to spend time with me." But this week was stellar, in that no one was avoided, and I was rewarded by wonderful times and a lot of shared affection.

First, there was dinner and a taped comedy show at W's house. (No, not THAT W -- *my* W is about as far as you can get from the other one) We (my friend K and I) had filet mignon, cooked with much flourish and accoutrements, and also slaved over by my umbrella-wielding friend due to the giant rainstorm that came up during the cooking. Still, everything turned out well. His partner, N, made his famous guacamole and salsa, which we devoured, naturally. They had also made roasted potatoes and Greek-style green beans, which were also delish. K & I had brought a cake from TCBY, which was almost totally gone by the time we left. Just FWIW, those cakes are yummy and very light! I think I'll be buying them more often now!

Thursday we tried out a new restaurant, called The Soulfish Cafe. Catfish is as Memphis as BBQ, and this place seemed to do great justice to it, though K & I both settled for something different. This is another restaurant I would highly recommend, though there are so many in Memphis it's hard to keep track. Afterwards, we worked with a little 8 year old girl K has worked with for several years. This precious little child has several severe disabilities, but is quite bright and very loving. There was a time when I, and many others, believed she'd never even talk so you could understand her, much less be able to attend school, but surprise surprise!! She liked to pretend she was talking on the phone, and at one point told the "person" on the other end "Why don't we shoot for next week?" She also, surprisingly, mimicked my "blah blah blah" when I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I hope her parents don't mind that she's added that to her vocabulary. :) She hugged me numerous times, which filled my heart with great joy, and I truly, deeply appreciated the opportunity to get to know her better through play therapy.

That night we had dinner with P, A & P, who made a delightful gourmet meal of Tuna steak with a seasoned butter glaze, fried rice, and yummy spinach salads. For dessert we had mango sorbet, raspberry sorbet, and Mayan chocolate ice cream. Everything was wonderfully prepared, visually and culinarily. Talk about being pampered!

Friday was a bit of a rest day, though K & I did make it to the greatest breakfast place in the universe -- Brother Juniper's College Inn. You can't help but have a good day if you start it here. Brother Juniper was St. Francis of Assisi's cook and a devout follower. Breadmaking is one of the skills he was known for, and Brother Juniper's follows this tradition by having a breadmaking school to teach young people a worthwhile skill. All I can say is try the biscuits. Trust me.

Hubby joined me Friday night, and we opted for deli sandwiches and such at K's home that night. On Saturday, we drove down to the new Farmers' Market, a much needed addition to downtown. Though we didn't stop, it looked packed, which is an excellent sign. At noon we joined L, J, M, and D for a birthday lunch for L at The Brushmark, part of the Brooks Museum of Art. It was the perfect day to sit out on the patio, and we all had a marvelous time. Afterwards, we retired back to L & J's house for L's homemade Ponchatoula Strawberry cake, my all-time favorite! We enjoyed a lot of interesting discussions, good music, and the fun of watching L open her birthday gifts! All of these folks mean a great deal to me, and I was so happy to see them all and spend time with them without stress or pressure.

Saturday night we met J & C for dinner at Abuelo's. We had about an hour's wait, so we got to hang out at the bar and talk. Unfortunately, I can't drink liquor due to some of the meds I'm on (boooooooooooo!), but, fortunately, that's not required for me to have a great time. :) We all had a delicious meal, and continued to chat it up for some time after. I'm sure they were glad to see us go when we finally left, due to our loud laughter and raucous demeanor. ;) Kidding about the raucous demeanor, but only slightly. We truly had a great time. It was so good to see J again -- I've missed her terribly, and getting to reconnect did my heart and soul a lot of good. :)

On Sunday, we attended Neshoba Unitarian Universalist Church and got to hear what appears to be their future settled minister. In UU churches, a delegation of church members previews ministers who are looking for a new, permanent position, and then, based on their recommendations, the congregation calls a minister to be their candidate. Usually that means that the new minister spends a week or two with the congregation, preaching once but usually twice. This was the new minister's first sermon there, and we were both very impressed. He is a young man, married, and from the Chicago area. He seems to have a lot of energy, which this congregation will clearly need, as this particular church has a large number of children and young people. I hope it works out that he becomes the settled minister, and I look forward to visiting this church when we visit Memphis in the future.

Afterwards, we had lunch at The Commissary, home of the BEST BBQ in Memphis, with Lance's brother and sister-in-law, whom I love very much and with whom I'm still close. Their one and only daughter is pregnant, something I learned on the anniversary of Lance's death this year, which I thought was lovely. :) She is an agent with the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation and is a forensic chemist. She's probably one of the coolest, most unique young women I've ever met, always secure in the knowledge of who she is and who she's not. She has never followed fad or fashion, and has always been delightful. Her wedding two years ago was beautiful and perfect, and I'm sure she and her husband will be exceptional parents. I can't wait to be a Great Aunt (though I would say I'm already a great aunt! Hahahaha!).

The best part of this visit was seeing so many friends and having such a wonderful time with them. Though it may not seem like it to those who know me, I do get shy when I think of being with people I think a lot of. I do worry that I'm not valued by them, or especially in the case of those who live in my old hometowns, that I'm forgotten (out of sight, out of mind). But this weekend did a lot to dispel those fears, and I truly hope I've grown enough that I will not experience that kind of distress in the future. I believe my friends who say they will visit me here at my home, and I look forward to entertaining them and showing them my surroundings and adopted city.

On a different note, I spoke with my mother and baby sister today -- it appears as though sister is leaving her hubby AGAIN. She spoke with me for a long time, talking about his newest refusal to go to counseling, saying they don't need it. His reasoning for his not needing to attend sessions was that there were important things they could be doing at home, like studying for something related to his job. I asked sister if he ever does that -- she said no. He begged her not to leave, not to take the kids away from him, etc. He claims he'll do anything to keep her, he'll change, etc. I asked her why she would believe this when he's showing clearly already that he's not willing to even go to counseling, or Al-Anon again, while she's right there? She said their counselor asked him to read "Codependent No More", and he got through half of it, saying he wasn't co-dependent and didn't need to read any more. At the second session, the counselor kept confronting him about co-dependency issues. He would respond with other issues, and the counselor would stop him and try to redirect him to the issue at hand, but he would continue to try to distract. This is very typical behavior for him and I reminded her of other examples of this in previous incidents. She agreed, but obviously has some conflicting feelings regarding this latest breakup. I pointed out, too, that she has to have left him at least 100 times, including before they were married, and she did admit that that was true. So, it looks as though we'll be having some company here this week, and that's fine with me.

It's so good to have better boundaries! Knowing the difference between ME and NOT ME is crucial to self-preservation, especially in my case. I spoke with my therapist about that today. I also told my sister that she needs to realize that SHE did not cause my recent illness, though the experience I had with her husband did have a catalyzing effect. I assured her that I love her, and I am very proud of her willingness to go to daily AA meetings, to have a sponsor, to do this very difficult personal inventory and to try to figure out the best way to live her life, for herself and her children. There's nothing I would like more than to see her healthy and whole. I'm hoping that this is the turning point for her, and I will continue to keep that thought in my prayers.

So, it's been a great week or so, and I'm looking forward to good times ahead as well. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and will find out what I need to do about continued pain which doesn't seem to be completely resolved by PT and Neurontin. I suspect my new PCP will order more physical therapy, which is fine with me. It does help, but I just don't think I've had enough of it. Still, I can tell there's been progress, and that means a lot.

Until next time...progress, not perfection is my mantra. :)

Love and peace,
WIP

God help us

Folks, very few things really stun me these days, but I have just been stunned. I just read on (my now new favorite blog) http://Jesuswasaliberal.blogspot.com (thanks Rick!) that the folks, Tim LaHaye & Jerry Jenkins, behind the "Left Behind" series of books, are allowing and I guess cooperating with a video game being made called LEFT BEHIND: Eternal Forces. I am quoting from the website itself:

Game description

Wage a war of apocalyptic proportions in LEFT BEHIND: Eternal Forces - a real-time strategy game based upon the best-selling LEFT BEHIND book series created by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. Join the ultimate fight of Good against Evil, commanding Tribulation Forces or the Global Community Peacekeepers, and uncover the truth about the worldwide disappearances!

· Lead the Tribulation Force from the book series , includingRayfordd, Chloe, Buck and Bruce against Nicolae Carpathia – the AntiChrist.

· Conduct physical & spiritual warfare : using the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world.

· Recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices.

· Command your forces through intense battles across a breathtaking, authentic depiction of New York City .

· Control more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks!

· Enjoy a robust single player experience across dozens of New York City maps in Story Mode – fighting in China Town , SoHo , Uptown and more!

· Play multiplayer games as Tribulation Force or the AntiChrist's Global Community Peacekeepers with up to eight players via LAN or over the internet!

http://www.leftbehindgames.com/the_games.htm

The emphasis above was mine. On the Left Behind website, there is this statement:

Critics who have raised questions about violence in Left Behind: Eternal Forces have neither seen nor previewed the game as it is still under development. Based upon the bestselling Left Behind® novels, the period in which the game is set is a chaotic and dangerous time where the Tribulation Force is recruiting new members and defending itself against the Antichrist's Global Community Forces. The game is designed to be a classic battle between good and evil, but does not gratuitously depict violence or death.

Left Behind Games, Inc. shares concern over the types of entertainment offered to families. As such it is putting forth every effort to create a quality and engaging game with a high standard of decency and content. As stated by Left Behind Games CEO Troy Lyndon, "Left Behind: Eternal Forces is a little more violent that an animated chess game."

http://leftbehind.com/channelnews.asp?pageid=1285&channelID=17

On the LeftBehindGames.com site, part of the interview with the magazine GameDAILYBiz says:

BIZ: At a time when video games are often cast in a bad light in the mainstream press because of violent or sexual content in some titles, do you feel that Christian games are sorely needed to emphasize more wholesome values among today's youth?

TL: Left Behind Games was established on the belief that given the choice, people will voluntarily choose games with positive moral elements. We just need to make sure the Christian games are as fun to play as other games. Only one of the top twenty grossing movies of all time was rated R, and that movie was The Passion of the Christ.

It is my opinion that Christian games can only make a positive difference in our culture if they portray the Jesus of the Bible; a caring loving person who didn't come to condemn, but to save. This message will reach our youth...and the best way we can show the youth we care, is by spelling love as TIME. As parents, we need to be connected with our kids and video games provide a great opportunity for us to do this on a regular basis.

http://www.leftbehindgames.com/archive/GameDailyNEW.htm

Please, please PLEASE tell me those of you who read this blog are as outraged, shocked, horrified, and angry as I am??? Please tell me that you see the craziness of these statements and understand that THIS is why our country is in the mess it's in in Iraq and in our own country? Please tell me there's a way out of this, and that those of us with the ability to think rationally and logically will be able to make our voices heard, and ACTUALLY make our voices heard???

Had I not read these things for myself I would not have believed them, but something is VERY VERY WRONG in our country and in so-called mainstream Christianity when it is acceptable, and desirable, to have a video game, supposedly portraying what JESUS would WANT us to do, which includes KILLING PEOPLE, ever!

Oh please please please let their be a light at the end of this particular tunnel.

I don't know what else to say here.

With that, I close and say PEACE, to ALL.

WIP

Virtual friends and connections

People are frequently surprised to learn how many people I consider close friends whom I've only 'met' online. I guess I'd be surprised, too, if I'd not spent the last 10 years of my life working online in some capacity. Though I don't have a paid online job at the moment, I continue a volunteer position I've held for many years, sending out subscription notices to parents of children who subscribe to a particular newsletter. This is to comply with the COPPA (Children's Online Protection and Privacy Act) laws, keeping parents informed when their kids ask for mail to be sent to them from a particular site aimed at kids.

I began my online life in 1996 on AOL, like a lot of people start out with. I learned, through avid exploration, that there were these things called 'chats' and that the chats that occurred in sponsored areas had 'chat hosts'. I very much wanted to be a chat host, though I learned that most were unpaid volunteers. I still thought this was pretty nifty, and figured that, if the Internet was the wave of the future, then learning the ins and outs of chat hosting might be a surfboard upon which I could ride that wave. I was right.

After a few months of volunteering as a host, I was hired to be a Chat Coordinator, which meant I got paid a miniscule amount of money to coordinate with up to 40 volunteer hosts to staff chat rooms. While this was no easy gig, I did learn alot, and made a lot of friends in the process. At that time, kids over the age of 13 were allowed to be hosts, so I made a lot of teenage, as well as adult friends. Ten years later, those kids are adults, graduating from college, going on to grad school, most of them, and I still know and am in contact with a half dozen of them or so. I hear from others out of the blue from time to time, but the six or so that I talk with frequently feel like my own kids.

There are adults, too, that I keep in touch with, and they are among those I count among my closest friends. We've been through a lot together -- births and deaths, divorces and marriages, health and illness, despair and happiness. And I am definitely the better for it.

Today I have this blog, which allows me to blabber unfettered to whomever might come across this tiny little corner of the Internet. I still have many virtual friends, but be assured that I also have a lot of "real life" friends, too. Some of my virtual friends have become real life friends, and some I hope will become that in the future.

Whether a friend is someone I see in person or just check in with online, each friend is equally real to me, and their presence or lack thereof matters greatly to me. I am so grateful to have been given that opportunity 10 years ago to learn to make connections without boundaries. I can't imagine my life without my "virtual" friends.

Cheers,
WIP

Perceptions of Reality

It surprises me each time I'm confronted with the fact that people's perceptions of reality can differ greatly. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I ever have a firm grip on it myself. If reality can vary from person to person, based on their own perceptions and filters, is there ever any one reality at all?

For my youngest sister and my husband's daughter, their realities are vastly different from those of the rest of their families. For them, those of us who report our observations that don't jibe with how they see their lives are their enemies, to be repelled and forced away. This shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it makes me less likely or able to reach out to other, "safe" people, for fear that my perception of others may be off after all.

I just watched a documentary called "The Grey Gardens", about Jacqueline Kennedy's aunt and cousin, who were apparently quite eccentric and lived in a very different manner than you'd expect Bouvier's to live. Their reality was quite different from most of the rest of the world. But was it wrong, or was it just different? That's hard to know. It's easy to call them crazy, but they did have choices, and they had the monetary resources to do things differently, yet they chose not to. Is this crazy, or just a choice?

You may be able to deduce that my mood today is not one of the more festive ones I've had lately. There are several reasons for this, I think. One, the incident with my husband's daughter has been very hurtful, both to me and to him. Two, my sister's crap is still going on, and I worry that her ex will discover or come to realize that she plans to leave him AGAIN at the end of the month, when school is out. If he discovers that, I'm concerned that there is a good possibility he will do something to interfere, and maybe hurt her and/or my mom. Three, we are facing several financial challenges in the next little while, which are impacted by my current unemployment. I feel very guilty about not working -- I've had a job since I was 15 years old, and I'm not used to not being the main breadwinner, frankly. I am beginning to question whether my "inability" to work right now is real or valid, or if it's just me being lazy. I worry that I'm just whining, that nothing's really wrong with me, that it's all in my head, that I'm draining my husband financially and emotionally, that I'm crazy...you name it. Today is not a good day, people.

I feel tender inside, bruised. This is more emotional than physical, though it's a little bit physical.
I don't do rejection well. I take it personally, even when it's not. I know there are plenty of folks who care for me and think I'm pretty happenin', but when someone who is supposed to be important in my life doesn't care for me, I have trouble with that. And when I feel like I'm letting down people I love, I have trouble with that. Basically, I guess I just have trouble, huh?

So with that, I'll close, and see what's happening on "Judging Amy". Maybe I'll gain some kind of wisdom from Maxine. If not, maybe I'll knit, and at least do something productive.

WIP

It's been a day.

I know I've posted twice today, but I feel the need for one more. That last one, by the way, was published in my church's newsletter this week, in place of the minister's normal 'musings'. She asked if I'd let her do that, as she had to be away at a conference during the time she normally writes her message. I was so flattered and pleased that she'd be willing to let me speak in her place -- naturally I said yes. I've gotten several very kind responses to that article, and hope that I can edit it enough to send to local newspapers, etc. as an op-ed piece. I'm proud of what I wrote and what I stand for. I hope I can be an instrument of peace in causing people to think more clearly about the issue of social justice.

But the reason I wanted to write again is a feeling of loneliness. I know I isolate myself, especially lately, with all of this medical stuff I've had to have done. I don't like to complain about my own problems or my own needs, which makes it hard for people to respond to them. I tend to ask more questions than I answer. I don't let people know how much I need them, though I always try to let people know what their friendships mean to me. And I definitely know that people's lives get busy, and they don't have time for friends, maybe especially those who are mostly online friends.

Don't get me wrong -- I have plenty of real life friends -- have talked to at least 4 today by phone. I've been invited to lunch, to hear music, to play bingo, etc. But none of those things actually touched the place in my heart and soul that's aching to be soothed. I can't even name what it is, but it's there.

Being in physical and psychological pain really bites. I am managing the pain better with Neurontin, and I started taking Metformin, too. I don't know if the combination of those things makes it more likely that I'll feel "tender". I wonder if I'm just defective sometimes, and then I'm sure that I must be.

This weekend I will have company -- 2 friends that I love very much and look forward to seeing. I know they are both very concerned about me, and I hate that, honestly. I know they'll want to please me and to be sure that things go the way I want them to, but I hate that I can cause that much concern for my feelings. It makes me feel manipulative, which is something I really hate.

Some friends are having a hard time this week, and apparently I can't help them, which is also frustrating and leaves me feeling lonesome. I have a hard time reaching out to people at times, especially to those who mean the most to me, and that just makes it worse. I can't tell them how much their absence means to me, because I don't want to sound so dependent. I don't think I am, but I am afraid I'll sound that way, and run them off.

I'm really a case sometimes, aren't I? Oh, and then there's that fight with my husband's daughter. Here's the basic story: he called her last week at a time when she said she couldn't talk, and then she got mad at him "because he kept on talking". She wrote him an email, saying she couldn't call him because her voice would be so loud she'd wake the kids up, due to her anger. She called him selfish and rude and said a few other things, and that just did it for me. I wrote her myself, telling her it was the pot calling the kettle black, and that she needed to grow up. I told her not to answer the phone if she couldn't talk, for heaven's sake, and that she owed her dad an apology, among other things. She wrote back to me about not having the luxury of being able to be depressed (!!!!!), which, for me, totally tears it.

So, now I'm waiting on Hubby to get home, in his depressed mood, wanting me to help perk him up. I hope I can do that, but who's going to perk me up? At least tomorrow I have another full day to myself, and I may just not answer the phone even. I find it hard to make small talk when my heart feels so pained. It's so much easier to talk in IMs than on the phone, most of the time.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind at the moment. Wish me luck, if you believe in such things. I really hate feeling this way.

WIP

Come Out of the Closet, Straight People

I don’t remember the day I chose to be straight. But I do remember my first gay friend, though he was closeted at the time. He was a boy I with whom I attended high school, and he sang in the special choir, because he had such a beautiful voice. We dated, but there was never any kind of physical attraction, though I do believe we attempted a kiss or two. However, it just didn’t work the way it was “supposed to”.

My parents LOVED this young man. They thought he was a wonderful person for me to date. I realize now that, even though I didn’t realize his “lifestyle choice” at the time, they sure did, which was why he was suitable to date their daughter. Funny how some things, or people, are acceptable when they serve someone’s particular purpose.

When I was 16 years old, my father died after a long illness. This young man sent flowers to ME, to my house – not to my family and not to the funeral, but to me, in support. He also escorted me to the funeral, which I desperately needed. Because he’d already graduated, we didn’t see much of each other after that, until one night a few years later, friends took me to a gay bar for the first time. We went in a group, and stayed closely together, so no one would mistake us as “regular” customers.

But there on the dance floor, I saw my friend, dancing with another man. When he saw me, his face lit up! He seemed so thrilled to see me – I was quite shocked to see him . Naïve thing that I was, I didn’t realize he was gay. But even then, knowing that he must be, based on what I witnessed, it didn’t change the fact that he was my dear friend who stood by me during some of the worst times of my then-young life.

Fast forward about 20 years. My then-husband died of a massive heart attack on March 27, 1999 in my living room, in my arms. The first people I called after the paramedics arrived were his brother, and his friend from work, a gay man and his partner. The gay couple drove straight to my house and followed us in the ambulance to the hospital. They, along with my husband’s brother and sister-in-law, waited with us in the family room, crying silently, sending me good vibes across the space of that tiny room. We all knew my husband was dead – we were just waiting for the official news. When it came, my husband’s gay coworker wept openly, as did we all.

Two days later, at the visitation, I was paid visits by several other gay people, including some of his coworkers. I was also visited by a lesbian couple – one of which was my best friend for the last 10 years who was taking her exams in her 3^rd year of medical school. Her partner was undergoing chemotherapy for ovarian cancer. And the lived in Little Rock, AR. We lived in Memphis, TN. Weeks later, one of the gay friends called to ask if he “could just do SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Put gas in the car!”

And now, after having joined this Unitarian Universalist congregation, and being allowed to serve as the Vice Chair of the GLBT+Friends committee, I have the opportunity to give something back. That something is my unequivocal support. The common thread among these friends, other than what may be seen as the obvious one of sexual orientation, is actually the lengths to which these people were willing to go for me. Even though it was inconvenient, even though it was not fun, they were there for me in the most difficult times of my life.

In November, we in Tennessee have the opportunity to vote on whether or not we want our state constitution amended to declare that marriage can only be between one man and one woman. I intend to vote against this amendment. I am a straight supporter of the GLBT community and believe that they are entitled to the same civil rights as I have. I realize that I will catch some flak from those with closed minds and cold hearts, but how can I say it’s not worth it in light of all the love and support I’ve received?

I’m asking you to examine your hearts and ask yourselves which side of this fight you wish to support. One hundred years ago, I, as a woman, would not have been allowed to vote. It took men standing along with women to obtain that right for us. White people of conscience eventually helped turn the tide in the battle for full civil rights for African Americans. And so in this fight, it’s time for heterosexuals to come out of the closet and openly support their GLBT brothers and sisters. Imagine the beloved community we can create if we all stand together on the side of love.

WIP

Unexpected side-effects from Blogging

I started blogging a few months ago, after reading FatDoctor's blog. I found her through a plus-size person newsletter I receive, FatTuesday. I had no idea that a doctor, who happened to be overweight, would or could be so candid about her life, both professional and private. Because much of my life has been spent working with/for physicians and other healthcare practitioners, I suppose I was more moved by her than I would have been by anyone else. Thanks to her, I have found quite a few unexpected benefits, including, I think, health benefits, from this activity.

First, I have been able to get some things out of my head that need to be out of my head. I've been able to tell the blogosphere about the nightmares that frequently torment me.
Second, I've connected with other people, from all over the world,
who reassure me that I am not alone.This is an amazingly comforting notion.

Third, that reassurance confirms for me that we all do live in an
interdependent web of existance,which is one of the principles that we Unitarian Universalists live by. Though I've always believed this on some level, I've found that connecting with virtual strangers is a very gratifying confirmation that people are pretty much the same, no matter where they are or what they're raised or come to believe.

And finally, I have found that people really care. If you don't believe me, read the comments on FatDoctor's last two posts. You'll quickly realize that, even without face-to-face contact, people do come to care for each other in the blogosphere (I hate that word, but it fits here) and there is nothing virutal about it.

Peace,
WIP

Rainy Tuesday

It's a yucky day outside. Lots of thunder, rain, cold -- just yucky.

This morning I had physical therapy, which I usually kind of look forward to, but today I just felt too bad to "enjoy" it. Headache, muscle pains in my arms, etc. -- the PT helped some, but not completely. I still wonder what's going to happen in terms of dealing with my arm pain. That has not been relieved at all, and it seems that my lower back pain is more frequent than I even realized. I've lived with things like this for so long that I guess I don't even notice them. The Physical Therapist even gasped when he touched the part of my back that I believe is where the sciatic nerve is, because it was so tight and out of line. When he pressed on it, I thought I would levitate off that table. However, I do know I have to let him do what needs to be done or I won't have any chance of getting better.

Yesterday I had an MRI of my lumbar spine and an Echocardiogram. The MRI was for the lower back pain; the Echo was for a condition I have called Left Ventricular Hypertrophy, which is enlargement of the left ventricle of the heart, and Mitral Valve Prolapse. I have to have those every now and then, and, so far, I haven't had a call from the doctor yet, so I'm assuming no news is good news.

I'm tired, too. Rainy weather doesn't help, of course. I want to take a nap, but then I don't want to mess up my sleep tonight. However, I don't have to get up at any particular time in the morning, so maybe I will after all.

About my sister...apparently, she's going to her day treatment program as she's supposed to, and attending AA meetings daily, which is great. However, her ex is still up to his same tricks. Trying to say she should be able to drink a beer or two like he does, hovering over her and my mom all the time. Sister is kicking herself for not staying gone last time and plans to leave again when school is out. I'm concerned that he will catch on to this plan, and do something bad to her and/or to my mom. He's crazy enough, and certainly mean enough. How do I ever divorce myself from this situation, I wonder? There's no way to not hear about my sister as long as I have a relationship with the rest of my family, and I want/need to have a relationship with the rest of my family.

Also, hubby's daughter is being a big, huge bitch herself, and has a similar situation with her idiot husband. What's up with drunks, anyway? And why do they just have to fuck up the lives of everyone around them? I hate people.

WIP

Honesty....is hardly ever heard...

OK -- here goes some downright honesty -- I'm scared.

Lately, meaning the last six months, I've been having some health problems -- muscle pains that have no real explanation and that don't seem to go away. I had a spinal x-ray taken, showing a bone spur at the 6th cervical vertebra, which is the one that is where the shoulders and neck connect, and also showing arthritis there. I was given a muscle relaxer and anti-inflammatory/pain med, but they didn't help. Physical therapy was ordered, and though it does some good, it doesn't cover it all. The pain is not just in my neck/shoulders -- it's in my arms, legs, hips, etc. Not joint pain, but muscle pain.

Friday I saw a new doctor -- an osteopath who is also in Internal Medicine. She agreed with me that there seemed to be more going on here than would be explained by a bone spur/arthritis in my neck. She's ordered an MRI of my lower back for Monday, as well as an echocardiogram for my Left Ventricular Hypertrophy. She also ordered a bunch of lab tests, enough that at least 6 vials of blood were drawn -- no clue what all for. She did mention the possibility of a condition called Polymyalgia Rheumatica, which rarely affects people under 50, but seems to encompass many of the problems I'm having. I also asked her if Muscular Dystrophy or Multiple Sclerosis were possible, and she said yes, they were possible, as well as some other things.

It's very difficult to deal with the uncertainty I'm dealing with at present. I've had the feeling for a while that something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. I've attributed my pain(s) to being overweight, out of shape, sleeping on my arms wrong, etc. I've tried to let it just pass, to take OTC meds for it, and to see my doctor. My old doctor's office has cut their hours recently, and had a hard time following up with me, not to mention not being willing to discuss my getting off some of the many meds. The answer was, last time I asked, "not unless you lose weight".

Well, here's the deal -- with the PCOS, it's difficult, if not damned impossible, to lose weight. The new doc did put me on Metformin (Glucophage) Friday, which should definitely help with weight loss. What's sad, though, is that NOW they can treat PCOS so that girls who have it can have the hope of pregnancy and weight loss, not to mention reduction of the effects of the increased testosterone that is common with this condition. Now I'm 43, too old to safely have children anyway, and married to someone who is surgically sterilized. It sucks to be able to be treated now, but all for basically nothing. Weight loss would be cool, but I'm also married to a man who is comfortable and actually interested in women with some meat on their bones, so again, this is basically for nothing -- well, nothing other than my health. I know that won't make sense to some of you, but you'll just have to take my word for it.

So, now the wait is on, the wait for answers. My very wise friend R told me not to waste my energy on worrying and negative thoughts -- that negative thoughts tend to attract negative things, and I know she's right. She said to remember my own spirituality, which I'm trying to do. I'm glad I listen to guided meditations at night when I go to sleep -- I really need them right now.

My biggest fear is becoming or being disabled, having my body betray me and make my mind a prisoner inside a worthless body. It's bad enough that I haven't been able to work for 6 months, which has had an impact on our income, obviously, and on Hubby's sense of financial well-being. Thinking of potentially not being able to go back to work at all makes me feel bad, and makes me feel scared and worried. I don't want to burden him with another sick wife. He's been through enough.

I guess the bottom line is I must wait for the answers that will eventually come. I realize that whatever is going on with me is probably precipitated or exacerbated by the stress I've been under for much too long. This is stress, too, but I just have to wait it out. Folks, if you're the praying kind, pray for my peace. I really need all the help I can get with this for now.

Thanks,
WIP

Randomosity <---new word I just made up

Well, I have no clue what this post is going to be about -- hence, the name. Hang on, peeps. It might be a bumpy ride.

Today I took Hubby for his 3 year colonoscopy, which is thought to be normal, though a polyp or two was found. He was told he didn't need another one for 5 years, which is excellent news. He was sooooooooooo cute lying there in the bed all doped up after the procedure. lol Couldn't focus his beautiful blue-green eyes, mumbled his words, couldn't remember things he said or heard just seconds before, bless his heart. I kept kissing his forehead and petting on him because I was so relieved this was over for him. He was nervous yesterday, and the day before, hating the prep he had to endure. He doesn't get nervous often, so I really hate it for him when he has to go through stuff like that. Even so, all's well that ends well. We went out for a little breakfast after the procedure, then came home for a little nap for us both. When we awoke, we went out on the porch and enjoyed the beauty of nature for a while. After that, well, that's private, but now he's snoozing in and out on the sofa as I write this.

Tomorrow I go to physical therapy, then to the new doc. I have a ton of paperwork to fill out here for that visit, but I'm glad to take care of it in advance. I have great hopes for this woman, and I hope I won't be disappointed. I also need to look up the drug called Byatta (sp?), which my psychiatrist is recommending to help me with PCOS & losing weight. I've never heard of it, but then again, I'm not in the medical profession. She said I could lose a pound a day if I used that -- can you imagine? 30 lbs in 30 days? I find that hard to conceive, but I'm willing to check it out if someone monitors me.

Finished with the film festival yesterday -- really enjoyed that. Met a lot of nice people, and had a kind of job offer from the ticketing software company. Not bad, huh? Also, the volunteer coorindator was interested in getting me back in a staff position, which also wouldn't be too bad, I don't think. This is a non-profit org, and I've had plenty of experience with those, so I think I would fit in pretty well. But the ticketing software sounds really interesting, too. Travel could be involved with that, not to mention getting to attend cool events. I guess I'll just send my resume and see what happens.

I'm going to Memphis in a couple of weeks, I believe. I think I'll get there maybe on a Tuesday, and Hubby will join me on Friday night. We have several friends to see, so I'm looking forward to catching up with folks.

Umm...let's see -- tomorrow night we're going out to hear one of our favorite singers and friends -- Melissa Sigler. FABULOUS blues lady -- terrific persona, and wonderful, dear friend. Check her out and buy her CDs -- you won't be sorry! Saturday night we're going out with a very dear couple friend of ours to hear another group of friends from our church play a benefit for a local organization. Looking forward to this double date, as it may be our last together for a while. R and D got married on New Year's Eve, and are going to live in upstate New York, where they're both from. She's going to use our address as a local one, and will stay here when she comes to town. She's a songwriter and hellaciously good bass player and singer -- she just pitched songs to Wynonna and Gretchen Wilson. Her hubby D is a wonderful man, and someone she's known her whole life. Somehow they never got together until this time last year, and the rest, as they say, is history. I'm so happy for them both, but I'm really going to miss her. Sunday, of course, is church.

Did I tell y'all I volunteered to teach what we call RE (religious education) on every other Sunday in the fall, with the preschool to 2nd grade kids? Well I did, and I'm looking forward to it. I've enjoyed subbing in that class, and really enjoy the other teacher I'll be co-teaching with. In our church we never have just 1 adult work with kids -- we have a 'safe sanctuary' policy, and I'm really glad for that. These days you can't be too careful.

We are putting together an event in August to train others how to get out the vote in November to defeat the marriage amendment on the ballot which will state that marriage = one man + one woman, only. This is discriminatory, and should not even be entertained. It's a matter of CIVIL RIGHTS not RELIGIOUS RITES. If GLBT folks were allowed to marry, churches would not be required to perform ceremonies if it went against their beliefs, just like now. They stand to lose nothing at all. Let's face it, marriage does make a couple more stable, so allowing people to marry will shore up the underpinnings of our society. Not only that, but 1138 civil rights flow from the state of marriage, and it's not fair that any consenting adults is deprived of those rights. We're having a senior staff attorney from Lambda Legal speaking, along with perhaps a lobbyist, and others who have good experience in these kinds of fights. We also *hope* to have Nashville In Harmony perform for us. We had them at our stewardship dinner Saturday night and they were amazing! I wrote to the director today, and even asked about joining them. I love to sing and I love that cause, so that may be a good direction for me to go in.

Not sure what's going on with my sister. I hear the ex-husband is still insisting she should be able to drink a beer or two and stop, but sister is going to day treament and AA anyway. Not sure at all how this is going to play out. Brother called sister the other day to tell her that if ex-hubby tries to give her beer or whatever, that's a direct attack on her, he dosn't love her, and is trying to harm her. He told her he took that as a direct attack on our entire family, as we all pay for this crap. I'm really proud of him. :)

That's about it for me tonight. This Neurontin makes me really sleepy, which is good, but trying to type with crossing eyes is not so easy. Forgive any typos -- they're chemically induced!

Shalom,
WIP

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

This last week or two has been very hectic, and some of you lovely people have written to check on me, and I can't begin to say how much that has meant to me. :)

So, in an effort to allay any unneccessary concerns, let me update you a little on what's going on.

First, I'm in physical therapy 3 times a week for pain. I was diagnosed recently with Fibromyalgia and a bone spur at C-6, and I have arthritis in the neck joint. PT is both joy and horror -- it hurts like hell while it's going on, I feel like I've been beaten from the inside out when I'm done, but at times it really does relieve some pain I've had for years. Additionally, I'm seeing a new doc on Friday, since my old one was having some, let's say, "difficulty" in being able to see me in a timely manner, follow up on tests, etc. So, he's been fired, and yes, there has been a letter written giving the cause. He chose to be defensive rather than to redress the issues, so to another doc I go. Also, my psychiatrist has taken a more aggressive role in helping me deal with this pain situation. She changed one of my meds from Trazodone (for sleep) to Neurontin, which helps with sleep and pain both. I have had shingles in the past, and this drug does treat the pain associated with it, so maybe that's related to the other pains I've been having. She's also hand-written a note for me to carry to my new doc, outling what we've done, and what she hopes new doc will do for me. That really impressed and touched me -- how many docs take the time to do that for their patients?

My other big time sucker-upper has been volunteering at the Nashville Film Festival, which ends today. I will go this afternoon and finish my little duties. There was talk of them actually hiring me in the future to work with the volunteer coordinator! That might be cool, but we'll see. I'm not ready for full time, or maybe even part time, work, physically or emotionally, just yet, but I'm hopeful for the future.

Tomorrow Hubby has a routine medical procedure in the morning, so I should have some time to blog in the afternoon. From there I'll update whatever all is going on.

Thank you, sweet people, for participating in my life. You *really* do make a positive difference.

Shalom,
WIP

Shoah/Darfur

Yesterday our church was rembering the Shoah -- that's the Jewish word for the Holocaust. Needless to say, not a comforting or uplifting sermon. One of the points made was that there is currently a genocide occuring in Darfur, Sudan. Women and children are being raped, brutalized, killed...men are not faring much better.

We claim to be a "Christian nation". We claim to have Judeo-Christian roots. If that's so, then why are we not stepping in to this particular horror to stop it? We KNOW that the Holocaust happened, much as, in its very grand scope, we don't want to comprehend it. How can we stand idly by while 400,000 innocent people have been killed?

I for one will not stand by silently. I went to http://savedarfur.org/ and filled out the "postcard" to President Bush, asking him to support the liberation of the people of Sudan. This genocide is very similar to what has been going on in Rwanda, where we also stood by without doing much to help.

If you read my blog, I ask you, as sincerely and passionately as I know how, to support the savedarfur.org website. It will only take a minute or less to fill out the form. You will be asked to spread the word -- I did, and I hope you will.

I'm not much for "causes", but this is the destruction of a people, an ethnic cleansing. On my personal email signature, I have the following quote:

*First they came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up, because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.

by Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945

Please take this to heart, and do what you can for the people who so desperately need our support.

Thank you, and peace to you,
WIP

Props to FatDoctor -- my word cloud

You can get yours here: http://www.snapshirts.com/custom.php. I'm thinking about actually getting one of these shirts -- they do look pretty cool.

Peace, y'all,
WIP

Haunted, terrifying dream -- An American Haunting in my dreams

Gotta get this out of my system, ASAP.

Let me preface by saying I was able to see "An American Haunting" at the Nashville Film Festival opening night, which was April 20. This is a film about the Bell Witch, which is the only seriously documented haunting in American history. There are plenty of websites about this event and this film if you're interested in more info, as well as quite a few books.

About the movie: it scared the shit out of me. It was not bloody or gory -- just plain Hitchcock-type petrifying. I have to say it was an excellent movie, but I also have to say that, even hours after the film was over, my heart was still pounding. My hubby and I once tried to visit the house and cave which are part of the story, but got kind of pissed off at the guy selling thickest to it. We tried to ask a couple of questions - his response was always "buy the tickets if you want to know". We'd planned to buy the tickets anyway -- just wanted more clarification as to what we were actually buying.

Members of the Bell family were present at this screening, and said they thought it was very well done, despite the very difficult subject matter. They felt it was handled very well, and appreciated what the filmmaker (Courtney Solomon) did to research the facts. This said volumes to me..>

This dream begins with some sort of party I'm having somewhere, not in my own house, but in something like a traditional church building. I have lied to my parents about someone's death (feels like it was my husband Lance's death, but he had nothing to do with this dream -- I'm just saying that's what it felt like), and am in the midst of a party. My parents and brother show up, though, very concerned and sad and wanting to help me out. My parents give me checks to help me with expenses, and I make some excuse to get them to go to their hotel room, so I can have time to figure out what to do about this giant, horrible lie I've told.

I talk with my friends and decide to tell them I gave "whoever" their checks, and they all tore them up, doing THEM a favor. My parents were so relieved when I told them, as they really didn't have this money to give. I assure them somehow, after being "appropriately" sad and in mourning that they can go home, that I'm going to be fine with my friends.

One of the friends is either a gay man or someone whom I've only thought of as a friend. I go with him to his house to do something, and as we spend time together, it's obvious that he's realizing that he loves me, and I also realize that I love him. We begin to have an intimate, beautiful physical experience, but in the midst or afterwards, we learn that someone we both loved has died. The other friends of this friend of ours are having a wake/memorial service for her, but she is either a pagan or a witch. We dress in costume or dress appropriately to fit in with this crowd, and walk down the street to the site of the gathering.

All kinds of people pass us on the way -- some driving souped up cars, some on motorcycles, some flying through the air as you've been shown on TV shows or in films that witches are able to do. We get to the home where the gathering is, and my new love is just so very sad. I ache for him. People are all milling about, in various stages of grief, and there is a room containing her things that she's left to people, or that she wants people to pick out for themselves. I look for a particular pair of shoes of hers that I liked very much, but could not find them. Others were making selections or finding things particularly set aside for them. I was disappointed nothing was particularly set aside for me. Another item in this room is a box with her ashes, which we're all supposed to take a little bit of to spread wherever we wish -- she wanted us all to do this in order to spread her spirit as far and wide as possible. I couldn't do this, however, because I can't face a box of ashes that used to be a person's body. (Side note: I do have to spread Lance's ashes at a particular place that is far from me, eventually. It's hard to get to where this place is, and I've always wondered how I will react when I actually see what's inside the container of his remains.)

There is some kind of black animal there -- something like a cross between a cat, a porcupine, and a badger. When it got near me, it began to growl, which it has not done to the other guests. This is not a good sign usually, the people say, but they can't understand why it would react that way to me. In a flash it's attacking my face, clawing at my eye or maybe biting. They pull it off and I am very very afraid.

My lover and I leave this party, and the next thing I realize is that something dark and cloud-like is flying down the road toward us and consumes both my lover and me in fire and pain. We die. But I "wake up" as me in different place and time -- one time it was downtown San Francisco in the early 1900s, one time it was on an old wooden ship, one time it was in a current-day empty warehouse, one time with was with my real life friend Karen in a mall. Each time I would somehow encounter my lover, in a different body, but always the same spirit/soul, just like me. We knew each other by our souls, and our love would grow. But each time, someone would take on the role of the demon thing, and betray, then consume us.

Eventually, there was a knight in black armor, on a black horse, with black hair and beard, with a black crossbow that would show up and shoot the demon at the last minute, sparing my lover and me. We were so relieved and grateful for this, and each time we tried to move on to a different place, to escape the remnants of the demon. But each time we moved, we discovered that the demon would deceive us and part of it, even a miniscule part of it, would hide in something we had with us -- a box, a person, a door -- and we'd be imperiled again. The black knight saved us several times. The last time was driving up the curvy, rocky hills near my real-life home.

The last vignette of this dream is what caused me to shout No! No! No! over and over, and out loud so that my husband awakened me. For a while I couldn't even tell him what was wrong, I was so shaken. My mouth was so dry, and yet I was crying. Eventually I was convinced that I needed to write (type) this down in order to get it out of my head. Here's the last scene:

It's the mid to late 1800s, and my lover and I, thinking we're finally free of the demon. We are on our way to our new home, which is an empty log cabin on a prairie, near some woods. We enter our new home, which has a built in butler's pantry in the kitchen area, a black iron kettle hanging in the fireplace, and that's about it. We are so happy, so relieved -- we are finally free. As we embrace, someone opens the door. It's a man of about 25 or so, clearly up to no good. We see out the windows he has a couple of compatriots. They say this is their house, though it truly isn't. We try to reason with them -- they are not cooperative. They come in the house and grab me, as well as subduing my lover. They drag me outside, where they intend to rape me in front of him, then burn him alive, then me, too. Two men are holding me down, one is holding my lover, who is fighting to get away, as am I. I keep hoping the black knight will come, but so far he hasn't shown up. The one on the right is pulling my legs apart, raising my dress. The one on the left is holding me down, slavering, laughing, enjoying my terror. Someone kills the one on the right, though I can't tell who. I do realize it's not the black knight, though, and then understand that it's yet another "bad guy" who wants his turn. My lover is screaming at them to let me go, not to hurt me, etc, but they laugh and hold him back more painfully. I begin to scream and thrash about, "No! No! No! No! No!", whimpering as well.

This is when hubby woke me up. I couldn't tell him what was wrong for about 5 minutes. I was very hot & sweaty, and extremely thirsty. I went to the bathroom and cried. I came back to bed, and drank some of the water hubby had brought me, and then told him everything. He suggested I blog it, which I just did.

Now I pray this is out of my mind for good, and yes, I'm taking it to my therapist Monday. Hopefully, I'll be able to make other posts this weekend that won't be quite so awful. PLEASE wish me peace -- I surely need it.

WIP

New dreamscape -- positive change

If you've been reading my blog, you probably already know that I dream a lot, in great detail, and usually have disturbing dreams. Well, I hope you're sitting down when you read this, because, at least for one night, things have changed. Here goes...

I find myself "at home", with my friend Karen, who is asleep on the couch. I am watching a very scary, gory movie on TV, and am really scared, though I don't turn the TV off. I am interrupted by the sound of my baby sister coming home from a night out with some friends of whom I don't approve. These girls are "fast", glitzy, wearing provocative clothing and being very loud. I tell her she shouldn't hang around with those girls, they're not good people.

My mom and stepdad come home, and it's the next night. They are in another part of the house, when these friends of my sister's come in the front door without knocking, dressed in glittery clothes, technically beautiful on the outside. They are hollering for my sister to come join them and are being incredibly loud, rude, and vulgar, saying suggestive sexual things. My sister is on her way out to meet them, but I tell these girls that they need to clean up their mouths and show some respect in our home, that my mother is here and it's disrespectful to talk like that in someone else's home. These girls sneer and laugh, but I continue to advance toward them, letting them know that I mean to get them out of my house. I order them to leave and never come back, and kind of trap them in an alcove/entryway so that they have no choice but to back up out the door. I close the door behind them and tell my sister, who is behind me watching that she should never, ever associate with these people again -- they're nothing but trouble and they're using her.

Mom comes in the room, asking what all the ruckus was about, but I tell her don't worry, they're gone, just some people who were a little too full of themselves -- they won't bother us again. But just as I finish saying that, a car pulls up outside our door, honking, with bright lights, people hollering -- it's these girls with some very dangerous looking young men with them. Mom gets her key to lock the door, but her hand is shaking so she can't quite get the key in the lock. I brace myself against the door as she continues to try, and then try to guide her hand as I continue to brace the door. The girls and young men are trying to open the door -- having some success. I have to brace harder and harder. They sometimes get the door open and reach in for us, laughing, jeering, enjoying our distress. But we finally get the door locked. This really angers these people and they tell us they'll be back, we're not safe.

My stepfather is now with us, and we discuss what to do. Mom & SF talk in private, though I want to be in on the conversation. They then make some phone calls -- one of which is to a police officer of some kind that attends their church. The other is to my brother and also to members of my Mom's family. People start showing up. Knowing there are "reinforcements", I go to sleep. My brother sleeps in the car outside. My friend and I sleep on the couch somehow. My Mom & SF and other relatives/friends are out on the screened in porch on the front of the house. They seem to be taking things in stride, at least more than I am.

When I wake up in the morning, I hurriedly look out into the porch area, and I see that more relatives have joined us. They are laughing, playing cards, talking, etc. My brother is still asleep in the car, and we all laugh, but goodnaturedly, because we know he'll have a stiff neck when he wakes up. Someone else shows up with a guitar, and starts to play and sing. I join in in harmony with the singer, and we make quite beautiful music. Then, realizing it's snowed during the night, and that these "bad people" are not likely to do anything in broad daylight, several of us pile into the car to go for a ride in a field where we can drive fast, spin around, and not hurt anyone. I experienced this as both thrilling and fun, but a little scary.

When we return to the house, more people are there, showing their support. I come in the door, and see, coming through the back door, my cousins, and cousins' children, more aunts and uncles. I weep with joy, because I know that these people are there out of love, not just for my Mom or my sister, but for ME. They know how upset I've been and how hard I've tried to keep my sister and my household safe, and they're there to show me that I'm not alone.

When I woke up this morning, it was with much more peace than I had at bedtime last night. For the last little while, I've been listening to some relaxation/meditation CDs as I fall asleep. My favorite is by Louise Hay. One thing she says in this CD is that what you think about before you fall asleep is able to influence your dreams. Last night I thought about support from friends and family, about a wide net of people coming together out of love. I don't think this was literally my entire family, but I do think it was my immediate family, friends, and my church. I got so much good attention yesterday while at the church that I couldn't help but be grateful for that.

Though I was sad and depressed at bedtime, when I began listening to the CD, I tried to focus on what was being suggested, and for once that I can truly document, it worked. Now I need to see if Louise Hay has email, so I can thank her. :)

Peace,
WIP

The real truth...instead of that fake truth I usually tell.

That's kind of a joke between hubby & me, but it fits this post.

I realized today that, despite medication and 6 months of weekly therapy sessions, I still feel like a naive child. I still don't want to admit that anything's wrong with me, even when people notice that clearly, something is. I don't want to admit that I have all of these aches and pains in my body, and in my soul.

I wonder what I'm here for. I think of my husband, working so hard to do so much for us both -- I have trouble doing things involving lifting or bending my arms in certain (many) ways, and have join pain when walking or standing for any length of time. Some people might attribute this to my being fat, but that's not it, or at least not most of it. Something has happened to my body, quite possibly as the result of extraordinary stress throughout most of my life. I can't remember a time when I was not under stress, not even when I was "happy". Is it just me, or does that sound really screwed up? I think it does.

I have a great love for many people -- ones I know and ones I don't -- but it's hard to tell if that love is given naively. Actually, I guess I know it's given naively in some cases (maybe many), but I continue to want to err on the side of mercy, if you want to call it that. However, for that luxury, the cost is great.

I feel bad for my hubby, because he takes on so much responsibility, and I seem incapacitated in so many ways. I can't imagine that I could do enough for him to make it "even". Yes, I know, you're not supposed to keep score, but doesn't everyone in some ways? I hate to admit it, but I do. I eventually give up on people when they don't seem to be interested in my attention. Is that wrong, or smart? I don't know which at this point.

So, on the inside, I'm a frightened, blubbering child, looking for that safe haven where I know nothing bad can happen. And on the outside, I am the pragmatic adult who knows there is no such place.

WIP

Easter service, or What I Learned From 1st and 2nd Graders...

Today is Easter, and I went to church, like a good girl. I was a sub in the Religious Education class for the 1st & 2nd graders, who are utterly delightful in the first place. They were very distracting in their childishness -- I say childishness here to describe a lovely quality, not a negative one found in adults. Our activity was to make nesting baskets for birds, which meant to put nesting materials (cotton balls, yarn, ribbon, paper) in baskets to be hung in trees near the children's homes so that birds could take the materials from the baskets to BUILD their OWN nests. For whatever reason, the teacher and I simply could not make these kids understand that they were not building either nests for birds or birdhouses. They just had it in their minds that this is what they were doing and there was no dissuading them. They talked about how the cotton balls would be their soft beds and the ribbons or paper could be their warm blankets, so the eggs wouldn't get cold. They also made a class basket to hang on the tree on the church grounds, a ginko tree, that belongs to this class. While out hanging up the basket, we talked about what it felt like to be outside -- the feel of the sun, the sound of the wind in the trees and grass, the birdsongs, the smell of flowers. What a beautiful way to spend a morning.

Later, my hubby and I attended the late church service. I hate to miss services just because I'm subbing in "Sunday School", which we call RE, so we either go to the early or late service, depending on when I need to sub. Today, being Easter, the sermon was about resurrection. But not "THE" resurrection -- resurrection in general. The minister told of her favorite resurrection story, written 2000 years before the birth of Jesus, in Mesopotamia. This was about the goddess Inanna, who travelled to the underworld, and all of nature died with her. She was able to return to the world only when someone took her place, 3 days later (sound familiar?), and then nature was reborn. This cycle, though, was to be repeated each half year, similar to what we know of as seasons.

The minister also talked about the necessary killing of or dying of things in order for there to be rebirth and transformation. She talked about how sometimes you have to remove certain plants, like ivy, from your yard in order to make room for the other things you want to grow. Or how removing exotic species in a wooded area can help return it to what is native to that area, or the burning of crops/trees/grasslands in order to clear them so that they can grow back healthier and more viable. She talked about how it is necessary sometimes to kill off or let die the things that hold us back. Killing off pride might be one example, and letting a relationship die when it's no longer working is another, perhaps.

Throughout this service, I could not help but weep. I'm very emotional these days anyway -- something about turning 40, I think, made that happen. I cry with joy; I cry with pain. Today my focus on the death/dying of some things focused on how my hubby's late wife's passing is having its anniversary in a week or so. Tomorrow would have been her 54th birthday. Naturally, this causes him sadness, and me, too. My spouse's death anniversary was a few weeks ago, but it's been longer for me, so there were no tears that day. Earlier, yes -- that day, no.

Beyond this, my focus was on my entire family, as we try to surround my baby sister in her current abyss. Both my brother and healthy sister have admitted that they are tired, sad, feel bewildered, and realize that when this kind of situation has occurred before with our baby sis, I've always gone to her aid, but can't now. We feel helpless, and somewhat, or maybe tremendously, hopeless for her recovery. We don't want to feel that way. My brother and I stated in unison, when talking about baby sis's embarrassment about her recent trauma, "No -- you NEVER need to be embarrassed with US. We're your FAMILY and we LOVE YOU." It was comforting to hear those same words coming out of his mouth, 600 miles away, while they were coming out of my own.

Many of my friends at the service today commented on the fact that I didn't look like I felt well, or they noticed I cried a lot during the service. I'm sure they also noticed that hubby and I both lit candles in silence, rather than writing out a reason for our joy or concern, as we call it. Several asked if we'd go out to lunch with the group that does so each week, but I explained that we needed to get home soon because we planned to plant some flowers and wanted to do that before it rained. So, off we headed to the Farmer's Market, and I, like my 1st and 2nd grade friends, lost myself in the project assigned to me -- picking out the flowers. Hubby had to do all the real work -- I just had my assignment, and I completed it, with much joy. He built the garden; I "supplied" the materials. Still, though, I think of it as "my garden", just like those kids think of the supply baskets as bird nests.

Kids are pretty smart.

WIP

Is no news REALLY good news?

My mother called last night from baby sister's, but I wasn't home. The message she left on my machine was that she'd call me tomorrow. Of course, I read into this that there's news. And probably not the good kind, since she didn't leave it on the machine. Now, I wonder if I even want to pick up the phone when she calls back.

I can't imagine there will be good things happening right now. Maybe one day this incident, whatever it was, will serve to be the impetus for change and my sister's salvation. I fervently (and literally) pray it will be so, but I have to admit, I don't have a lot of faith in that.

If you're the praying kind, please keep my family in your prayers. God or whoever knows we need it.

Peace,
WIP