Wednesday, May 03, 2006

It's been a day.

I know I've posted twice today, but I feel the need for one more. That last one, by the way, was published in my church's newsletter this week, in place of the minister's normal 'musings'. She asked if I'd let her do that, as she had to be away at a conference during the time she normally writes her message. I was so flattered and pleased that she'd be willing to let me speak in her place -- naturally I said yes. I've gotten several very kind responses to that article, and hope that I can edit it enough to send to local newspapers, etc. as an op-ed piece. I'm proud of what I wrote and what I stand for. I hope I can be an instrument of peace in causing people to think more clearly about the issue of social justice.

But the reason I wanted to write again is a feeling of loneliness. I know I isolate myself, especially lately, with all of this medical stuff I've had to have done. I don't like to complain about my own problems or my own needs, which makes it hard for people to respond to them. I tend to ask more questions than I answer. I don't let people know how much I need them, though I always try to let people know what their friendships mean to me. And I definitely know that people's lives get busy, and they don't have time for friends, maybe especially those who are mostly online friends.

Don't get me wrong -- I have plenty of real life friends -- have talked to at least 4 today by phone. I've been invited to lunch, to hear music, to play bingo, etc. But none of those things actually touched the place in my heart and soul that's aching to be soothed. I can't even name what it is, but it's there.

Being in physical and psychological pain really bites. I am managing the pain better with Neurontin, and I started taking Metformin, too. I don't know if the combination of those things makes it more likely that I'll feel "tender". I wonder if I'm just defective sometimes, and then I'm sure that I must be.

This weekend I will have company -- 2 friends that I love very much and look forward to seeing. I know they are both very concerned about me, and I hate that, honestly. I know they'll want to please me and to be sure that things go the way I want them to, but I hate that I can cause that much concern for my feelings. It makes me feel manipulative, which is something I really hate.

Some friends are having a hard time this week, and apparently I can't help them, which is also frustrating and leaves me feeling lonesome. I have a hard time reaching out to people at times, especially to those who mean the most to me, and that just makes it worse. I can't tell them how much their absence means to me, because I don't want to sound so dependent. I don't think I am, but I am afraid I'll sound that way, and run them off.

I'm really a case sometimes, aren't I? Oh, and then there's that fight with my husband's daughter. Here's the basic story: he called her last week at a time when she said she couldn't talk, and then she got mad at him "because he kept on talking". She wrote him an email, saying she couldn't call him because her voice would be so loud she'd wake the kids up, due to her anger. She called him selfish and rude and said a few other things, and that just did it for me. I wrote her myself, telling her it was the pot calling the kettle black, and that she needed to grow up. I told her not to answer the phone if she couldn't talk, for heaven's sake, and that she owed her dad an apology, among other things. She wrote back to me about not having the luxury of being able to be depressed (!!!!!), which, for me, totally tears it.

So, now I'm waiting on Hubby to get home, in his depressed mood, wanting me to help perk him up. I hope I can do that, but who's going to perk me up? At least tomorrow I have another full day to myself, and I may just not answer the phone even. I find it hard to make small talk when my heart feels so pained. It's so much easier to talk in IMs than on the phone, most of the time.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind at the moment. Wish me luck, if you believe in such things. I really hate feeling this way.


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