Thursday, May 04, 2006

Perceptions of Reality

It surprises me each time I'm confronted with the fact that people's perceptions of reality can differ greatly. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I ever have a firm grip on it myself. If reality can vary from person to person, based on their own perceptions and filters, is there ever any one reality at all?

For my youngest sister and my husband's daughter, their realities are vastly different from those of the rest of their families. For them, those of us who report our observations that don't jibe with how they see their lives are their enemies, to be repelled and forced away. This shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it makes me less likely or able to reach out to other, "safe" people, for fear that my perception of others may be off after all.

I just watched a documentary called "The Grey Gardens", about Jacqueline Kennedy's aunt and cousin, who were apparently quite eccentric and lived in a very different manner than you'd expect Bouvier's to live. Their reality was quite different from most of the rest of the world. But was it wrong, or was it just different? That's hard to know. It's easy to call them crazy, but they did have choices, and they had the monetary resources to do things differently, yet they chose not to. Is this crazy, or just a choice?

You may be able to deduce that my mood today is not one of the more festive ones I've had lately. There are several reasons for this, I think. One, the incident with my husband's daughter has been very hurtful, both to me and to him. Two, my sister's crap is still going on, and I worry that her ex will discover or come to realize that she plans to leave him AGAIN at the end of the month, when school is out. If he discovers that, I'm concerned that there is a good possibility he will do something to interfere, and maybe hurt her and/or my mom. Three, we are facing several financial challenges in the next little while, which are impacted by my current unemployment. I feel very guilty about not working -- I've had a job since I was 15 years old, and I'm not used to not being the main breadwinner, frankly. I am beginning to question whether my "inability" to work right now is real or valid, or if it's just me being lazy. I worry that I'm just whining, that nothing's really wrong with me, that it's all in my head, that I'm draining my husband financially and emotionally, that I'm name it. Today is not a good day, people.

I feel tender inside, bruised. This is more emotional than physical, though it's a little bit physical.
I don't do rejection well. I take it personally, even when it's not. I know there are plenty of folks who care for me and think I'm pretty happenin', but when someone who is supposed to be important in my life doesn't care for me, I have trouble with that. And when I feel like I'm letting down people I love, I have trouble with that. Basically, I guess I just have trouble, huh?

So with that, I'll close, and see what's happening on "Judging Amy". Maybe I'll gain some kind of wisdom from Maxine. If not, maybe I'll knit, and at least do something productive.


1 comment:

neuroticillinifan said...

Just caught up on your entries here from the last couple of days.

I feel for you. I am so much in the same place as you in some ways. You touch a chord in me when you talk of feeling lonely, of isolating yourself. I know about this because I do it too, a lot.

I think about you a lot because you have reached out to me in a way nobody else has through my blog. You have truly been sent to me by God I believe to help me through what is so far the roughest patch in my life. I can't begin to tell you what your friendship means to me, even if it is "only" via the internet.

Keep your chin up and keep fighting the good fight. It is all any of us can do.