Work in Progress

Update, as requested.

2007-01-16T10:57:00.000-06:00

I got a sweet email today from my friend PrairieBluestem, asking that I post an update. So, as requested by my buddy, here's an update for you:

First, I still have the walking cast. Getting around is easier, thanks to practice and a lovely cane. I've been able to get out with hubby a couple of times, just to the grocery and riding in the country, but it was wonderful to escape the same old four walls. Next doctor's appointment is on the 25th, and we'll see what happens then. Wish me luck!

Second, I've recently been put in touch with some long lost cousins and other family members, along with a great deal of genealogy information. My father's family is now traced back to 1768, which is pretty good, considering I knew nothing about my Dad's family beyond my own grandfather until just last week. As a result, hubby and I spent the day yesterday categorizing and scanning photographs and documents to share with the rest of the family. Luckily, I had photos of two of the cousins who said they didn't have any pictures of themselves from when they were children. I felt so glad to be able to provide them with at least some remembrances of their childhood.

Third, most other family members are doing pretty well, with the notable exception of one family branch. My father's oldest sister's oldest son died about a week and a half ago in Costa Rica or Guatemala, apparently having had a fall and head injury. He will be memorialized in our hometown this weekend. I remember this cousin as my "coolest", since he was in a band, The Rogues, that toured the world back in the 70s. This cousin also had one of the first degrees in computer science, also back in the 70s, or maybe even the late 60s. This cousin had the most beautiful long brown hair and was incredibly handsome. He gave my brother his start in what is now his career as a Project Manager for an electrical contractor. I remember this cousin bringing something to my Dad when he was sick with cancer, and how much it meant to my Dad that he was the one who brought it. This cousin was also a very talented photographer, among many other talents. He will be missed.

Last, I am going to close this blog in the next few days. No, I'm not dropping off the face of the earth. Rather, I'd like to "come out" and be able to identify myself on my blog. But, considering some of the topics I've written about in this blog, I'd rather start clean with a brand new blog. If you'd like to be notified when I set up the new one, please email me at wrkinprogress at gmail dot com and I'll be glad to let you know the new address.

I hope all of you are safe & warm & have electricity/heat! Some of my friends in NY and OK are not faring quite as well.

Peace!
WIP

For the * v o y e u r * in all of us...

2007-01-04T13:04:00.000-06:00

I found this site, DirtyFound, and HAD to share it. Y'all, check this out!!! It's a site where people submit things they find, in this case, *dirty* things. Ooh! Why do I feel like an 8th grader mentioning this? lol They also have the site, FOUND, which is for "normal" found stuff, too.

Let me know what y'all think!

Peace,
WIP

PS I'm so TIRED of this damn broken leg, and it's only been a little over a week!!! How am I going to survive??? Oh the paaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!

"Walking" boot

2006-12-29T14:42:00.000-06:00

The quotes were intentional, though I guess that sort of indicates that I'm less than happy with the boot, which is *not* the case! I'm relieved to not have a cast, or, worse yet, surgery!

Saw the Orthopaedist, who, with an additional x-ray involving him actually FLEXING MY ANKLE (mercifully brief, thank God), confirmed that I have indeed fractured the right tibia near the ankle, and may have also had a little bone fragment tear off with the ligament or tendon that was connected to it. I don't know if that means I'll have additional treatment later, or if it's insignifcant. What I do know is that I have to wear this thingie for at least a month, until I go back to the Orthopaedist.

Hubby went to work this morning at my insistence, but was able to leave at noon to come home. He's running a few errands, including picking up my Lortab prescription (another reason to be thankful), but should be home any time now. Needless to say, our New Year's weekend will not be a very active one, at least physically. But hey, I'm cool with that. This could be a LOT worse. I truly believe I am fortunate not to have injured myself worse, considering the possibilities.

I truly hope the rest of you stay safe this weekend (and always, actually). Feel free to regale me with any amusing tales you may have, whatever the subject, as distractions will be much appreciated!

Take care, lovely people. 2007 is going to be a good year -- I can feel it in my bones. (typed with only a trace of irony there)

WIP

Just call me Grace

2006-12-27T17:22:00.000-06:00

So, after a lovely Christmas and safe traveling, we made it home last night around 6pm. Apparently, there had been rain while we were away. (Cue ominous music) I got out of the car and retrieved a couple of bags to carry inside. I began to walk down the slope beside the driveway when my left leg took off and my right leg didn't. I ended up prone on my big ass, bags still intact, but right leg bent underneath me. When the bending was occurring, there was probably also a little breaking going on.

We got me inside somehow and immediately began RICE -- rest, ice, compression and elevation. Then my darling sweet hubby ran to the pharmacy and brought home all kinds of devices to wrap or otherwise encase my ankle. We continued RICE and ibuprofen all night, and went to my doctor's office this morning. I figured that since I wasn't dying or in excruciating pain, it wasn't an emergency and could wait till the morning. The PA I saw sent me for an x-ray, thinking it may only be a sprain. However, he phoned us within about 30 minutes of leaving the facility saying that the Radiologist thinks there may be a tibia fracture going on here.

So, I'm laid up, for the first time in my life, and really, *really* don't like it. Tomorrow I see an orthopaedist, who, fortunately, is the same Doc who beautifully corrected hubby's DeQuervain's Tenosynovitis a couple of years ago. My PA said that he wanted me to just go ahead to the Ortho because the Radiologist said they could do a CT to determine if the bone is actually broken, but that considering the extent of the injury, the Ortho would probably cast it anyway. Oy vey!!!

New Year's Eve won't find me tripping the light fantastic this year, but still, things could be worse! I hope that having a cast will make maneuvering around a little easier. Using crutches is quite difficult when you've never had to use them before. I'm trying to learn not to feel guilty about asking for things from hubby, but it's difficult not to when you're so dependent on someone else! Lucky for me he's an angel, and the most good-natured guy on the planet. Y'all keep him in your prayers as he nurses me through this period of, let's say, adjustments. lol

And for heaven's sake, BE CAREFUL! I know this accident was relatively unavoidable -- I didn't trip or even lose my footing -- it was just a simple matter of wet leaves, wet grass, and wet mud combined with an unsuspecting person stepping on such.

Oh! I just realized! Now I'm just like my local blog celebrity SuburbanTurmoil! Except for the gorgeous, young & pregnant parts, of course. Be sure to check out her blog if you haven't already. She has a much better story about breaking her foot than I do anyway.

Peace,
WIP

Greetings

2006-12-25T13:51:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've felt like writing, but not necessarily because anything is "wrong". At the moment, actually, things on all fronts, or at least all the ones that really matter, are good. We are currently at my middle sister's home, waiting for dinner to be ready. Her son, my oldest nephew, has been enjoying all of his presents, and everyone's scattered throughout the house, doing their own things. My brother and his family are on their way over, as well as my sister's oldest stepdaughter and her fiancee'. Her mother-in-law is on her way, too, so it will be a full house.

After dinner, hubby and I are driving over to spend the night with my aunt, who was recently widowed. She wouldn't agree to coming over for the holidays, not wanting to "burden" us with her grief, so hubby and I just decided we'd take ourselves to her instead. Luckily, she was happy about that, so we're looking forward to a nice, if tearful, visit.

We've been to visit several friends and got to take a nice drive out to the beach Saturday just before sunset. Hubby got some beautiful shots of the water and sunset, and a cute little couple took our picture together, and we reciprocated. :) What a pleasant, peaceful afternoon! A little time to ourselves, alone with no agenda! Novel concept, that!

Hubby will be working hard this week, but we look forward to a quiet New Year's celebration, eventually. He may actually have to work over the weekend, which is very uncommon, but there's a big project reaching the finish line and he's been the architect of the report that's being produced and which may be used as part of a political platform in the next year. Hence the time crunch for him. Tough as that part is, it's important, good work that will benefit the citizens of our state, and then by proxy our country and our world. I'm so happy for him to have such a meaningful thing to do!

Here are my wishes for you all:

Love in great abundance -- both coming your way and going out from you
Peace -- peace -- peace -- in all things and with all people.
Success -- whatever that means to you.
Understanding -- of yourself, most of all, but also of the others you come into contact with. Try walking a mile in their shoes...
Interest -- monetary, if you're lucky in that way, but mostly interest in LIFE. We're not getting any younger, people....this is the BIG one...GO FOR IT while you have the chance.
Hope -- this too shall pass, really!
_____________ -- whatever it is that will satisfy your soul.

Thanks for stopping by this year -- it's been an experience, for sure! Maybe next year I'll actually write about something outside of my own self. lol I'm sure anyone who reads here would appreciate that!

Family Matters -- Part Deux

2006-12-07T05:15:00.000-06:00

In my previous post, I mentioned the weird side of the family. Weird is not always a bad thing, I know, but in this case, the weird part is the hurtful part.

Two illustrations follow. I'm not sure which qualifies as the more screwed up, but I'm leaning pretty much 50/50 at this point.

Illustration number 1:

Tuesday afternoon, people were gathered at my Aunt's home, doing all sorts of things. My other Aunt, who lives about 80 miles away, and her older son came, one would think to pay their respects. Present were my Aunt, my Mother, and my brother, and some other friends of my Aunt's. Apparently, my cousin came to my Mom and out of the clear blue sky said: "I heard that so-and-so (who used to work with my Dad) said Uncle Robert (Dad) was lazy at work." Yes, you read that correctly. My father, his Uncle Robert, DIED in 1979. The person who said whatever it was that turned into this craziness also died many years ago. So, in other words, there was absolutely NOTHING TO BE GAINED by saying this to my Mother, MUCH LESS in the very home of our Aunt whose husband had JUST DIED RIGHT THERE and who considered my father her best friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Illustration number 2:

My oldest cousin (now 60) was someone I used to adore and worship as a child. I thought she was the most beautiful, talented, creative, funny person I'd ever known, and I wanted to be like her so much! I babysat for her 3 children for quite some time when I was 12-13. At some point my Dad arranged for her to give me piano lessons, which I really, really wanted. But, like every beginning traditional piano lesson, the things they wanted to teach you to play were boring, and I saw absolutely no connection between what she tried to teach me and they kind of music I wanted to play, so that eventually fell by the wayside.

I learned yesterday that this cousin has written a book, and in this book she discusses family matters. In this book, she mentions a lot of people I'm familiar with, of course. My Dad was mentioned twice, both times either positively or neutrally -- no big deal. But there were other people she talked about that didn't receive such benign treatment. Like OUR Grandmother -- her mother's mother and Aunt Betty's mother. She talks about Grandmother not doing any thing for her, like having no memory of her reading to her or anything. That could have been because Grandmother was probably barely literate at best, and also because cousin's father, a raging alcoholic, wouldn't allow my Grandmother to visit them much, if at all. And he certainly didn't want his wife and kids going up to her house. So I'm thinking that didn't provide much opportunity for being read to.

She also talks about her sister and our half-aunt, who apparently lived with her family for a while. What she talks about is her own jealousy, though I'm pretty sure she didn't mean it to be so transparent. She complains that her sister, the youngest in the family, always got pretty clothes and everything she wanted. As to our half-aunt, she whines that when that half-aunt was staying with them, she could and did eat whatever she wanted, got whatever she wanted, etc., while Cousin was stuck with the dregs of her own upbringing. Yes, what hideous character flaws these girls exhibited by allowing their parents to treat them differently than Cousin was treated!

The crux of this book is supposed to that my Cousin is apparently the world's greatest Christian, and if she can be one, so can everyone else. She discusses her children's drug addictions and bad choices; she talks about other people's bad times; she talks about her father being a very mean drunk. She parades this information through this tiny little book as though it were some kind of badge of honor. It seems to me as if she's trying to make herself sound noble, and put upon, and somehow better than everyone else. This is a common theme in her family, I believe. The one sister she has is over this way, near Aunt Betty, while all the rest of her family live, I kid you not, in a kind of compound. Cousin and husband have a nice, normal house. Cousin's mom lives on the property in a mobile home, and raises chickens, in the back yard. This is a suburban area, I might add. Daughter and husband at least recently lived in a built-on apartment to Cousin's house. Oldest son has his own home, because he's married with a billion kids. Youngest son is married with no kids from this relationship. Apparently, he got a girl pregnant when they were about 20 and cut of all ties with their baby girl when the Mom married a man who wanted to adopt the baby.

Cousin puts these things, and many more, out there for all the world to see. I wonder what her kids think of that, and I wonder if she asked anyone's permission. Being a blogger who sometimes talks about real-life people and who values my own privacy, I am very, very sensitive to telling things I have no right to tell, so this really blows my mind. I don't get how someone has the nerve....

I think it may be hard to see some of these folks at the funeral Friday. I told my mother that, if I hear anything remotely like what male cousin said about my Dad, I will be having a retort. Count on it. Grown, supposedly Christian people should know better than to disparage a woman's late husband in the first place, especially if he's your UNCLE. But to compound this egregious behavior, saying such a thing right there in the home where a death had just occurred is absolutely and completely unacceptable. And you know, I just don't handle things like that quietly, for better or worse.

There is more to say about other things, but they will have to wait for another time. My emotions are full, and everything seems very tender. I wish I didn't cry so much. I wish I could sleep. I wish I didn't have a constant headache. I wish my baby was here. I wish I could explain to people how important it is to love each other, and to be kind to one another, or, at best, not to intentionally hurt other people, especially in families.

Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.......

Family Matters

2006-12-07T04:32:00.000-06:00

I'm writing this post at 4:30 AM at my Mother's house in Florida. I'm here because my uncle died Tuesday. There was no question but that I needed to be here with my family, though my husband was unable to join me. His presence always calms me, because he is always looking out for me, and I know that he's always on my siding, understanding me in ways my family can't begin to, mostly because I don't spend every day with my family. Also because I'm just different.

Funerals are very strange occasions, at least in my family. You see cousins and aunts and uncles you only see at such things, but when you do get together, it's fun and happy and poignant and depressing and crazy and loving and ridiculous. Does everyone have the weird side of the family -- the one group that's different from all of the rest of you, whom you can't figure out and continue to be shocked by and amazed at? Well, my family has that. I hadn't known how profound the differences were until today.

First of all, the uncle who died was an uncle by marriage, but I am pretty sure that we all took him as our blood when we first met him. I remember that day. My Aunt Betty had been widowed the year before, and I had spent a lot of that summer with her. This Aunt is everyone's favorite -- she was my Dad's favorite sister, and they were best friends. I couldn't appreciate what that meant until recently when I began to experience an increased closeness to my own precious brother. I can't imagine how she's missed my Dad all of these years, but I would imagine that her husband, Uncle Fred, had a lot to do with helping her heal.

She brought Fred to meet my Dad just 2 1/2 months before he died. She wanted his approval, and she more than got it. No one could not love Fred. My Dad whole-heartedly agreed that this was a quality man and that he would be very happy if they married as soon as possible, and in our home, if they would. They did. :) We were all thrilled.

These 27 years have seen lots of events in our family -- births, deaths, and assorted other joys and tragedies. Aunt Betty and Uncle Fred were there for them all. And it wasn't just for our family -- they were there for everyone. Very active in their Baptist church, they ministered to any and everyone who crossed their path, and not in a preachy way, either. They were real, and they knew how to do real things, and most especially they knew how to make each of us kids feel special by making a point to come see us when we came from all over to visit Mom here at her home. Mind you, they live 40 miles away, so this wasn't just going around the block for them, but they never missed us. They were with us every Thanksgiving and Christmas and anytime in between that any of us could get together. A visit to Aunt Betty's always garners something to take home, usually vegetables she'd put up in the freezer for later. Just this Thanksgiving I made collard greens that were sent home with me blessed with Aunt Betty's love.

You never saw Betty without Fred. They did everything together, happily. He loved her to distraction, and she loved him right back. Fred had several medical problems through the years -- heart problems, back injury, circulatory issues, etc. But somehow he always came through. My brother called him "The Bionic Man", and I can't say that it's an inaccurate description.

At the end of October, out of the blue, we all learned that Uncle Fred was diagnosed with lung cancer. I think he used to smoke a long time ago, but if he did, he'd given it up at least 20 years ago or more, so that wasn't an immediate factor. However, my guess now is that Fred knew something was up a while back, but didn't choose to address it. Several choices he made now seem as though he knew he had little time left on this earth. How does that seem to happen so often when people have terminal illnesses?

With the diagnosis and description of what was done to him in the ER and hospital stay, it was pretty obvious that his cancer was pretty far gone. My husband and I made the decision to come down here, right away that weekend, to visit him, and I'm so very very glad we did. We picked up my sister on the way and all went to see Uncle Fred. There was already a hospital bed my Aunt had arranged in the living room to look out the glass doors onto the lake, which was such a perfect thing to do. The weekend we visited he was able to be up and to eat meals at the table if he chose to. He chose to. This is the first and only time I can remember when Fred wasn't dressed very nicely and when he didn't smile at all. It was heartbreaking.

When he returned back to his bed after the meal, I joined him, followed by my husband and sister. I wanted to spend time with just Uncle Fred, without Aunt Betty within earshot, because I knew I wanted to say some things that I was pretty sure I couldn't get through without crying. I was right. He started out by telling us that when he was in the hospital and they learned his diagnosis/prognosis, he made the decision to have his implanted defibrillator disabled. I was stunned, but glad to hear that they were being realistic, and I told him that I thought that was a very courageous and wise decision, and that I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been. There were tears in his eyes now, but he was under control. He proceeded to talk about dying, and told us that he wasn't afraid of death, but he was worried about what would happen to Aunt Betty when he was gone. This was something I could address with absolute certainty! I told him that, first of all, we loved him so very much, all of us, and that he had been the best Uncle and role model anyone could ask for. I then told him that he didn't need to worry about Betty -- that rather than people fighting over who *had* to take care of Aunt Betty, we'd be fighting over who *GETS* to take care of Aunt Betty, and that's the honest-to-God truth. He said he was very grateful to hear that. Both my husband and my sister chimed in to support my statements, and I know we all felt better knowing we'd said all that we needed to say to him while he could still converse with us and (hopefully) derive some peace.

That was during the second weekend in November. We're coming up on the second weekend in December, so you can appreciate the speed with which we lost our beloved Patriarch. Since that weekend, family members and friends have been constant companions to my Aunt. My mother, step-father and brother were taking turns spending the night there when my cousin wasn't there himself. In fact, it was my brother who was awoken at 4:30AM on Tuesday morning because Aunt Betty could tell the end was near. They called our parents, who came immediately. They were all at his bedside when he passed away at almost 8:00AM. My sweet brother called me almost immediately afterwards, moved beyond words, but filled with love and appreciation of the great privilege he'd just been given. He'd had that heart to heart talk with Fred, too, which is a new thing for my bro. Folks, I'm here to tell you, that boy has turned into a fine, fine man.

So tomorrow I will go to my Aunt's house and sit there while the rest of the family is at the visitation. On Friday, the day he'll be interred in our former hometown, about 80 miles away, and I will attend those events with my siblings, other family members, and the bajillions of friends they had. I have not done a good job not crying so far, but I hope I can keep it together Friday. I want to do Uncle Fred proud.

Sitting here writing, I have a few tears in my eyes, thinking of how much I love this wonderful, sweet man, who joined our family wholeheartedly, never thinking of us as separate from them. He told us directly at our last visit that we had meant as much to him as his own grandkids, and that he loved us all so very much. He also told us that he'd recently been asked about his advice for someone about to be married. He said he told them that marriage is not a 50/50 proposition -- it's a 100/100 thing. Each person has to give 100%, regardless of what the other person was doing. I thought that was a very wise statement, and one I have believed in my own life for a very long time. I think his description of a good marriage is the same as that for a good family, or a good friendship -- if each person gives 100%, everybody wins. And really, isn't it your family and friends that you WANT to treat better than anyone else?

Oh, my sweet Uncle Fred. There is a big hole where you were, but the recollection of the love you always showed us -- constant, abiding, and true -- will remain in our hearts and color our lives for ever. May you rest with the angels -- they must be rejoicing to have one of their own back home.

Chchchchchanges....

2006-11-08T17:27:00.000-06:00

Election 2006 is over, and there were quite a few changes made, thankfully. The Republicans no longer control the Congress, which is a marvelous turn of events. I'm disappointed, however, that here in Tennessee people apparently were swayed enough by racist advertising to make what I feel will soon be apparent to be the wrong decision. Not only that, but we also wrote discriminatory language into our constitution, like a lot of other states did, unfortunately. Not those lovely people out there in Arizona, though! They chose to see this matter for what it is -- one of civil rights. Naturally, those opposed will see it a bit differently, but it is what it is.

Today I am generally just a bit down in the dumps. There have been so many family issues to deal with lately involving illnesses and deaths. Hubby and I are planning to visit my uncle who's been diagnosed with lung cancer this weekend. I want to see him while he's still as much of himself as he can be. I also want to be there with my aunt. My heart aches for her -- this is the second husband she's lost. Both were long-time marriages, though, and both were happy. I know she has a good attitude and a strong faith, but imagining one of them without the other is just impossible.

There is a new/old issue with a family member wanting us to help pretend that the Emporer's new clothes are stunning, when we can see for ourselves that he's just as nekkid as a jaybird! It's hard sometimes to stand one's ground when faced with such passionate please to do otherwise. My request to hubby today: Can't we just run off????

My youngest sister, though, is doing very well, all things considered. She's working, has arranged for childcare for the little ones, and now is collecting the child support due her, though none of the back payments have been made yet. Still, with the child support, what she can make on her job, and some additional assistance in the form of food stamps or something, perhaps, she should be able to make it on her own. My Mom will finally get to go home, and things will return to at least a semblance of normal. If sister can keep things together, this will be the greatest gift our family could ever receive.

I hope the days to come will be more hopeful and more light-filled. That may sound all hippie-ish, but I really mean it. Life is pretty heavy a lot of the time, and I think we all could use a little more light.

The Nearest Book

2006-11-04T12:11:00.000-06:00

This is from Prairie Bluestem's blog:

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the next four sentences on your blog, along with these instructions.

5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest!
------------------------------------------------------
From "The Trigger Point Therapy Workbook":

"...of the shaft of the ulna. For massage, use a supported thumb or a ball against the wall. There may be more than one trigger point, the worst one being roughly half-way between elbow and wrist."

Now go out there and MASSAGE, people! :D

Adjustments

2006-10-30T12:24:00.000-06:00

If you've been reading this blog recently you know that a lot has been going on in my family. The good news is that my youngest sister is doing well, beginning a new job, and making nice friends in her community. The children seem to be doing well, and my oldest niece is attending art therapy, which I think will be very useful for her for a number of reasons. On that front, all is going pretty well. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers for us all during what has been a very rough time for so many.

There have been losses this year -- my mother's brother, my friend's grandfather, and my hubby's former father-in-law. And there have been gains -- my late husband's niece had her first child last week, something for which we are all celebrating. :) Now I need to finish that blanket I've been knitting for her!

Now we face the mortality of a much-beloved family member, an uncle who entered our lives when our Dad died in 1979, when we were all kids. He was kind of a guardian and protector of us all during that time, so each of us feels our own closeness to him, and to our aunt, our father's favorite sister. Though this particular uncle has had health issues throughout the time we've known him, I guess I just never considered his not being with us any more. This man is so steadfast, so quiet, so loving and so strong -- it's very difficult to believe that he won't pull out of this one. But, no one escapes the ultimate culmination of one's life, so we must adjust.

Sad as I feel about my uncle, I know this is just part of life -- a necessary part. I am reminded that even a seed must die in order for a flower to grow. I hope the flower that grows from this beautiful seed is the flower of compassion and purposefulness -- compassion for other people's suffering, and purposefulness in expressing our feelings for one another. It's important to tell people you love them, even when you don't get along. Y'all know how that is, right? You can love someone without necessarily liking them, or at least I think you can do that. :) Anyway, I hope to practice being more expressive as time goes on. And I hope you do too.

York apples, wherefore art thou???

2006-10-30T12:19:00.000-06:00

Why can't I find York apples anywhere near me??? Oh, the pain!!! I love apples, regardless, but I most especially love York apples.

I first had them at Halloween of 1992, and I've craved them ever since. Yorks are tart, but have a sweet finish, and are absolutely perfect for Caramel Apples. Hence, the reason I *need* them.

If anyone knows of a place where I could order them and have them shipped here, hollah! I need me some Yorkies!

And the hits just keep on comin'....

2006-10-29T11:01:00.000-06:00

Well, after a very emotional week at hubby's late wife's father's funeral, I was unprepared to learn Saturday night that my favorite uncle was diagnosed Friday, unexpectedly, with inoperable lung cancer. Apparently, my aunt thought he was having a heart attack (I don't know the full details -- this is what my mother told me), and took him to a hospital in Pensacola, FL, where their doctor said that he was virtually certain that this was lung cancer. I'm sure a chest x-ray was involved, but I don't know what else could have been done. I'm also sure they're waiting for the work week to begin to figure out what, if anything, should be done.

This uncle married my aunt in 1979, just before my father died. This aunt is my father's favorite sister. Her first husband died about a year or so before, of lung cancer (he was a smoker), and my Dad really worried about her being alone. She met future uncle in late May, and they were married on his birthday in late June. Apparently, my Dad was the only potential obstacle, with my aunt wanting his blessing on the relationship. Dad invited them over to see what this guy was like, and he passed with flying colors. We all fell in love with him, and we love him more now that we've had these years to get to know him.

This uncle is the sweetest man I've ever met. He's always kind, smiling, soft-spoken, and thoroughly in love with my aunt. It's hard to imagine a time when they weren't together. My Mom told me last night that he said he always thought of us as his own kids, as we were closer to him than his actual daughter was/is. All I know is it's impossible not to adore him.

I hope this is it for the year, bad news-wise. I'm not ready for this, and I don't think I can handle a whole lot more of these soul-thumping events. Be kind to each other, y'all, and be sure to say what you NEED to say to each other, like "I love you", "I'm sorry", "You mean the world to me", "I wish I could see you more often", and "You always have my complete support, no matter what."

On the road again...

2006-10-23T22:44:00.000-06:00

Hubby and I flew back to Nashville last night around 7:30pm. We were gone for 10 days, traveling about 1400 miles by rental car around Minnesota and Wisconsin, combining several missions -- spreading ashes, attending a class, and a mini-vacation.

Tomorrow we leave for central Indiana, this time to attend a funeral. His late wife's father, age 90, passed away Friday night, due to complications (pneumonia) after a fall that fractured a vertebra in his back and produced a brain injury due to a whiplash-type effect. (I think that's called a "coup/contra coup" injury, but I doubt I'm spelling that right.)

Hubby has been asked to be a pallbearer, and to play the piano at the service -- not the stuff from the hymnals, but something original. He will gladly perform both functions. In his former father-in-law's obituary, my hubby is listed as one of those surviving him, which, of course, is a designation reserved for family. Needless to say, he was touched and honored by this inclusion.

Background: when we first became engaged, and then married, his late wife's sister and niece most definitely did not approve -- they thought it was "too soon". They said some pretty ugly things about me, and about us, and I never thought they'd come around. I'm very happy to report, though, that I was wrong. :) I offered by phone the other day to keep the niece's 4 year old daughter for her while the funeral activities were going on, because I figured someone had to do it and it might be a way to "make points". Today the niece called me herself to ask if I didn't want to join the family for all the stuff?? She thought I should be with them, and if I wanted to keep her daughter busy for a while at the visitation, that was cool, but she didn't want me to miss out. Talk about a lovely surprise!!! I'm so happy to have, I guess, earned my place with them. They realize now that hubby is not abandoning them, not by a long shot. He will continue to be the same loving son-in-law he's always been -- phoning weekly, visiting as often as possible, etc. This is a lovely, precious turn of events.

We plan to return home on Thursday, and I hope we'll have at least a few days' peace. I also hope neither of us have need to turn around and do another road trip right away, as much as we both love those. You know you're getting older when you value your sleep more than you value the next adventure. ;)

Peace to all y'all. Be good to each other, and please remember -- life is short. There are no do-overs at the end. Say what you need to say now, and be kind. You'll never regret that.

WIP

Completion

2006-10-17T20:09:00.000-06:00

At about 4pm on Friday, October 13, 2006, I completed a promise I made years ago. My late husband, Lance, asked me to promise that I would eventually spread his ashes at the Headwaters of the Mississippi. He asked me to do this upon numerous occasions, and, of course, I agreed. I never imagined that it would take seven and a half years after his death, or that I would perform this task with the help of a new husband.

It was incredibly windy in Minnesota the day we made this journey. It had snowed the days prior to our arrival, and a little of the icy stuff was still on the ground this day. Did I mention that it was windy??? It was WINDY! The wind cut through clothing as though it were not even there. I don't recall ever being so cold.

There was a young family with two little boys at the site shown above when we first reached the headwaters, so we waited until they were out of sight before getting down to business. I had wrestled these last weeks with what to say or do that would feel meaningful when I sent him on his final earthly journey. I met with my minister several times, discussed it with my therapist and close friends, and thought I knew what I was going to do. In the end, I just knelt down at the water's edge, and gently opened the bag. I took a deep breath, cleared my head of distracting thoughts, and began to slowly allow the powdery ash to enter the clear waters. All I said in the end is "Godspeed". It seemed to fit. According to information at the visitor's center, it takes a drop of water approximately 90 days to travel from this location to the Gulf of Mexico, so I figure that by around mid-January, Lance Winger Peterson, 1954-1999, will be on his way into the warmer waters of the Gulf and then on out into the wider world.

The site is beautiful, peaceful, and feels as though it is a very spiritual place, which is only appropriate. I don't think Lance had ever visited here personally, and I don't recall why he wanted to be laid to rest here. However, having now experienced this place for myself, I know I will be back -- not to visit 'him', but to commune with the universe, as hippie-like as that sounds.

Prior to arriving at Lake Itasca State Park, I saw a multitude of deer along the way, and, much to my surprise, ELK! After spreading the ashes, though, I caught sight of a Bald Eagle, resting atop a tree, and, just as we drove by, lifting off in flight. Color me superstitious, but I found that significant. In Native American lore, the Eagle symbolizes strength, power and is considered to be the closest being to the Creator. According to the information I found here:

The Eagle feather, which represents duality, tells the story of life. It tells of the many dualities that exist in life, such as light and dark, male and female, substance and shadow, summer and winter, peace and war, life and death. It reminds us of the teachings that Opposites are extensions of themselves like two opposing hands of the same body.

That makes sense to me, and is very fitting.

Having executed my final act of love for my late husband, I feel a sense of peace and personal satisfaction. There were times when I wondered if I would ever be able to travel to a place so far from where I live and do the thing that he would never know whether I ever did or not. I'm glad I had the strength not to just let this slide.

In closing, I do want to say how important it was to have my precious husband, RunawayImagination, with me throughout this event. He has never been anything other than supportive of me and has been able to somehow maintain his own objectivity throughout. He has never indicated, even when asked point blank, that he had any feelings of jealousy or irritation when Lance was spoken of. Though he knows how very much I loved my Lance, he also knows how much more I love him, because of my previous wonderful relationship. I am very grateful to him for all that he is, and, when the time comes for him to perform this task for his late wife, he will know that it can be survived and that I will support him in the same ways he's supported me. He's a good man, y'all. They don't come any better. That means I've been amazingly lucky twice in one lifetime.

Sinful blogging!

2006-10-09T15:26:00.000-06:00

http://www.thercg.org/youth/index.html

Today I was made aware that, according to the Restored Church of God, blogging is sinful!!! Oy vey!!! I can't believe there is actually a sin I didn't already know about!!! Oh, the pain!!!!!!!!! If you think you can handle it, check out the article here.

I'm surprised at how surprised I was to read this. I should know better. After all, aren't I the one who says "People are stupid. And I hate them."? Yes, I think that's me, and yet, I find this position too difficult to let sink all the way into my brain.

I plan to respond to the article here, at least, if not in a letter to the author. I doubt they realize they irony in their method of communication, and how everyone who searches for the word "blogging" will be referred to their page as well as to actual blogging sites. lol

Peace, y'all. Seriously.

The music meme, from the lovely GirlMD

2006-10-05T21:27:00.000-06:00

Seven songs I'm into right now:

1. "When You Say Nothing At All" -- Allison Krause -- because I saw her perform on PBS tonight.

2. "Coyote" -- Joni Mitchell

3. "Life short. Call now." -- Bruce Cockburn

4. Beatles medley -- Richard Smith & Julie Adams (classical musicians here in Nashville who happen to also attend my church)

5. "Statesboro Blues" -- The Allman Brothers

6. "Light on in the Kitchen" -- Melissa Sigler (my dear, sweet friend and amazing blueswoman)

7. Happy birthday!!! Cuz mine is tomorrow! Wo0t!!!

Better Gay than a Pedophile, huh?

2006-10-05T20:56:00.000-06:00

I admit to being anti-Republican party as a rule. I also admit to being unabashedly supportive of fully equal rights for homosexuals, and destigmatization of this group of human beings. That all being said, I suppose it only follows that I am 100% outraged by and offended at the absolutely transparent, childish and dangerous behavior of said Republican party around the Mark Foley catastrophe.

Let me get this straight -- Mark Foley was abused by a clergyman when he was a teenager, which is somehow related to his attempt at coercion of teenagers for self-serving sexual purposes. And then the admission that he's gay somehow explains why he was hitting on male teenage pages. This 43 year old Republican, who's been a member for the house for nearly 12 years, now comes forth with the information that he had been molested by a clergyman. On the ABC News blog of Brian Ross, we find the following:

Mark Foley was sexually molested by a clergyman when Foley was between the ages of 13 and 15 and "wants you to know he is a gay man," his lawyer, David Roth, said late Tuesday. Mr. Roth said the disclosure was part of his client's "recovery."

Asked why the former congressman did not reveal this information sooner, Roth said, "Shame, shame."

"As is so often the case with victims of abuse, Mark advises that he kept his shame to himself for almost 40 years," Roth said.

I do understand the idea of shame, but I also understand the idea of pedophilia, which is attraction to and/or sexual gratification related to being with a child, a minor. It *really pisses me off* that this man who is supposed to be an example to all of us, but especially to the minors who work in the House and Senate, would like to somehow avoid negative public sentiment regarding his perversions by "revealing" an alledged incident of child abuse in the form of pedophilia at the hands of a clergyman, and admitting his sexual preference. It seems to me as though he and his attorneys are trying to divert attention from his reprehensible and ILLEGAL actions.

Homosexuality is demonized by many in our society already. Trying to somehow associate Mark Foley's homosexuality with his seductions of teenagers is a sick, perverted attempt to deny his own personal responsibility in this matter. Homosexuals who are adults are attracted to other adults. Heterosexuals who are adults are attracted to other adults. Extrapolate those out for kids. Now, when thinking of Mark Foley and his recent behavior that goes back to 1998, reportedly, please keep in mind that normal adults, homo- or heterosexual, want to be with other adults.

That's all I'm sayin'....

Here! Here! Here!

2006-09-25T20:34:00.000-06:00

Thank you, all of you who've written to check on me lately. :) I am very grateful for such kindnesses! I am fine; I had to go to my sister's unexpectedly last week, but everything's fine there, too, for the most part. She still needs a job that will be compatible with daycare, and needs to collect child support from her ex. I think her first official check will be in October, but he owes her directly as well. I believe she's having to sue him for that, which bites.

It was so good to see Mom and the kids. I took Mom to breakfast and out shopping one day, which was great for us all. We really got to talk, and she seemed to really enjoy herself. As soon as Sis gets a job and daycare, Mom is going home. She's quite ready, as she should be. She's been up there going on 2 months now.

I will post more soon, but I did want to make this entry so that I wouldn't worry anyone else unnecessarily. How lucky am I to have friends who check on me when I don't show myself after a while! :)

Peace,
WIP

Needing input

2006-09-15T14:13:00.000-06:00

I have a big job to do in October. I have to scatter the ashes of my late husband. I am a little freaked out about this, which surprises me a little. I thought I was a little tougher than I am, apparently.

Yesterday I met with my minister, who was very helpful. As a minister, and especially as a Unitarian minister, she's had many experiences involving the scattering of ashes, and is truly one of the most loving people on the planet. She spoke with me, and cried with me, all very gently, and offered good suggestions for some readings I might consider, as well as music and other things that might make this occasion more spiritual and memorable.

Though Lance was very specific in his request to scatter his ashes at the headwaters of the Mississippi River, which is in Bemidji, MN, that was his only request. He didn't care how or when I did it, he just wanted it to be done eventually. So, that puts the details squarely in my court.

Lance was an amazing man who loved poetry and music. He wrote volumes of poems, which I hope to publish in his memory one day. He loved, listened to, and created music -- he knew more about musicians, too, than anyone I've ever known. Some of his favorites were Joni Mitchell, Bob Dylan, George Clinton & Parliament Funkadelic, Leon Russell, Chick Corea, Jaco Pastorius, and a host of others. His favorite poet was Richard Brautifan, whose works I plan to browse through to see if I can find a particular poem that might be suited for this occasion.

So, with all that said, I'd like to ask -- do any of you have any input into what I can do to mark this event memorably? I'm up for anything you might offer, and I sincerely want this information. Naturally I'll be thinking of things myself, but I think that the more folks I have contributing to this effort, the better.

Remembering Joseph P. McDonald

2006-09-11T19:49:00.000-06:00

Now doesn't that look like someone you'd want to have as a friend, or maybe even a cousin, or brother? Based on what I've learned about Mr. McDonald in preparing this post, I think that he did more than just look the part of a buddy.

Here are the facts:

Name:Joseph P. McDonald

Age:43

Residence:Livingston, NJ

Occupation: broker, Cantor Fitzgerald

Location: World Trade Center

He was also a husband, a father, a son, and a friend. He was the age then that I am now. He left behind wife Denise, and daughters Kathleen & Bridid. I can't imagine how they've missed him, but I've tried. I was widowed myself more than 7 years ago now, but I haven't forgotten how that felt. Still, it's a little different in Mrs. McDonald's case.

Below I'm pasting two articles and their URLs, if you'd like to see where they might lead you. I hope you rest in peace, Joseph P. McDonald. No matter what, you deserve to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In high school, Joseph P. McDonald played baseball well enough to catch the attention of major league scouts. He was a standout on the basketball team, too. In college, he proved himself a bruising presence on the rugby field. And later, he learned to play golf well enough to humble any business associate who dared to join him on the links. But in recent years, the athletic endeavors that mattered most to him were the hikes he took on Sundays with his wife, Denise, and their daughters, Kathleen, 10, and Brigid, 7. And the games his daughters played for the Livingston Soccer Club and the Livingston National Little League. And the hours he spent in the swimming pool, letting the girls climb on his back and then tossing them giggling into the air. "His athleticism was God-given, and he had a good time with it, but it didn't define his life," said his father, Dr. Joseph P. McDonald of Sparta. "What defined his life was his marriage and fatherhood. He was an exemplary father. He never went anywhere without those girls." Mr. McDonald, 43, of Livingston, was a partner at Cantor Fitzgerald Securities. He was at work at the World Trade Center on the morning of the terrorist attack, and has not been heard from since. Born in Brooklyn, Mr. McDonald had lived in Livingston since 1989. He was a 1979 graduate of Carleton College in Northfield, Minn. Mr. McDonald worked for many years as a broker of financial services at two affiliated companies in New York -- Garvin, Guybutler Ltd. and Garban LLC. -- before joining Cantor Fitzgerald three years ago. "He had the kind of job on Wall Street where there was a lot of pressure to socialize," said Mr. McDonald's brother, Paul. "But it was always more important to him to be with his daughters, even if that meant giving up some opportunities." Mr. McDonald was a former member of the Lake Mohawk Golf Club. There was a time, his brother said, when he played two rounds of golf every weekend. Though he hadn't put his clubs away altogether, he had cut back to two or three rounds a summer. "He had kind of stopped golfing to spend more time with us," Mrs. McDonald said. "And when he wasn't with us, he was usually with his parents." In addition to his wife, daughters, parents and brother, Mr. McDonald is survived by three sisters, Nancy Mahoney of Clinton, Mary Jean O'Sullivan of Phillipsburg and Maura Waugh of Sparta, and two other brothers, James and George, both of Manhattan.

http://www.wallofamericans.com/php_files/wall.php?action=person_info&id=1835

Brainy, Brawny, Balanced

To mere mortals, people with natural gifts seem to stroll down easy street. Certainly Joseph McDonald appeared that way. He towered over his six siblings athletically and intellectually, said his brother Paul.

A perennial captain, he had the generosity of soul to pick the dorky kids for his team. During high school he was courted by scouts for Major League Baseball, but he chose college.

As he aged, Mr. McDonald was no longer the best athlete, but he was usually the smartest. He could always figure out a way to win. And winning was everything.

Most people knew him as a modest, funny, social fellow. Those closest saw an occasional moodiness that would come upon Mr. McDonald, 43, a bonds broker at Cantor Fitzgerald. He felt, said Paul McDonald, that he was not fulfilling his potential.

But about three years ago, Mr. McDonald suddenly got it. He stopped competing with himself. He cut back the socializing with clients and embraced the family: his wife, Denise; his daughters, Kathleen and Brigid; his parents, Joseph and Mary. Weekends he hiked with the family and coached girls' soccer and softball in Livingston, N.J.

"He accepted that there were other ways to define himself," Paul said: he seemed imbued with faith and fresh joy, and he strolled with the lightness of a man who had found his way to easy street.

Profile published in THE NEW YORK TIMES on December 23, 2001.

http://www.legacy.com/Sept11.asp?Page=TributeStory&PersonId=145231

The Endocrinologist, the Dietician, & I

2006-09-08T12:47:00.000-06:00

My very wonderful family doc sent me to an Endocrinologist to explore treatment options for the symptoms of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which I've known I've had for about 17 years now. More than likely, I started experiencing these symptoms initially as a teenager, but back then, things were different. Now there is, apparently, a vast body of knowledge available to healthcare providers that wasn't known then. I'm about to tell you what I've learned about myself and the new options out there. To be fair, I'm about to discuss things like menstrual cycles, so if you're uncomfortable reading about "stuff like that", stop now. :)

First, some of the symptoms of PCOS:

# infrequent menstrual periods, no menstrual periods, and/or irregular bleeding
# infertility or inability to get pregnant because of not ovulating
# increased growth of hair on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
# acne, oily skin, or dandruff
# pelvic pain
# weight gain or obesity, usually carrying extra weight around the waist
# type 2 diabetes
# high cholesterol
# high blood pressure
# male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
# patches of thickened and dark brown or black skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs
# skin tags, or tiny excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
# sleep apnea―excessive snoring and breathing stops at times while asleep

Now, I don't have all of these symptoms, but I do have a great many of them. I'm not diabetic, which is a great thing, but i DO seem to have insulin resistance. My cholesterol was higher than we wanted it to be at my last physical, I do have well-controlled hypertension, and I'm most certainly overweight.

I started my menstrual cycles around the age of 10, which is pretty young, I know. I do not recall a time when I had normal cycles. By the age of 16, I was placed on birth control pills, due to my irregularity. At that time, I had been bleeding, though not heavily, for about 3 months straight. Prior to the 3 straight months, I didn't have a period for about 6 months, with absolutely no chance that I could have been pregnant. I remained on the pill for most of my 20s. There was a time, though, when I was not on the pill and I did get pregnant unexpectedly. However, I miscarried at about 3 months, and didn't realize I was pregnant until that happened. I was actually glad that I miscarried, though, because I knew I didn't want to have children with my then-husband. I definitely got back and stayed back on birth control pills until just before I remarried. I would have been very OK with having children with my second husband, but it just wasn't meant to be.

My PCOS was diagnosed as the result of a Laparoscopy performed on me in 1989, when I was about 26. I'd been having a lot of abdominal pain that was not otherwise explained. I had test after test, from CT scans to an IVP (to check for possible kidney stones), but they all came up negative, so I had my first surgical procedure. The OBGYN who did the surgery stated that my ovaries were covered with cysts and that one of them bursting was more than likely the cause of my pain. I am now 43 years old (44 in less than a month!!) and only got pregnant that one time. I do not want children now. Treating PCOS for me is about overall health, not fertility.

So, the Endocrinologist spoke with me for a long time. I told him my psychiatrist had initially suggested I try to get a prescription for Byetta, an injectable drug given to those with pre-Diabetes or Tyep II Diabetes most often. She also has PCOS and felt it would help me lose weight, in addition to probably making me feel more energetic. I told my family doc, and she agreed to send me to the Endocrinologist, who also hooked me up with the Dietician in his office for metabolic testing.

The results? I have a very fast metabolism and that, get this, I DON'T EAT ENOUGH!!! Now ain't that a kick in the pants? lol All of my life has been overshadowed, it seems, by diets, and trying to eat less and lose weight, but nothing ever worked long term. Sure, I could lose weight for a month or two, but then, even if I stayed on the diet, I would just stop losing. Now I weigh enough that, again, get this -- I NEED 2100 - 2500 CALORIES A DAY TO LOSE WEIGHT!!! Why, you may ask? Because our bodies reserve calories to use for the essentials, like heart beat, brain fuction, respiratory function...and when you weigh more, you need more calories to keep things like that going. Basically, my body thinks I've been starving it and has revolted.

I tried the new Weight Watchers (TM) a few years ago and did well (for a short time, as always), but I still remember some of the basic caloric info I learned while on the program, which will be helpful. But even then, I had a hard time eating enough for my daily "allowance" of points from foods. I need to concentrate on eating at least twice a day (go figure!) and trying to get the right amount of calories WITH nutrition. Sure, I could eat cake or have a milkshake or something like that, but that would kind of defeat the purpose. Using the Byetta, I *have* to eat in order to use it -- it doesn't help to take it after meals. You must use it between 10-20 minutes before 2 meals a day. I plan to start it Sunday, and will let you know how it goes.

If any of you have any information regarding PCOS or Byetta or anything else I've listed here, please chime in. I'm so surprised by how much has changed when it comes to knowledge about the human body in such a short time. I'm also very encouraged to know that there are people out there working on new treatments for conditions that have definitely lacked good treatment options.

Minneapolis/St. Paul, MN & Madison, WI

2006-09-07T18:07:00.000-06:00

Hubby and I have to be in Minneapolis - St. Paul and Madison, WI during mid-October. Does anyone out there have suggestions for fun places to go or good restaurants to try? We need tips!

I so hope the trees will be colorful and the weather nice! Fall is my all-time favorite season and I'm thinking up at those latitudes we should see color more intense than down where we are at that time of the year. Ooh! Getting excited!

Is it September 7 already???

2006-09-07T17:49:00.000-06:00

News from the recent past:

1. I just learned of an organization called Angel Food Ministries, that provides low-cost groceries to anyone who chooses to ask for them. Their web site has the details about where they have a presence and what they do. The food is name brand and fresh -- no day-old bread or whatever. Good quality meats are provided, as well as other items, and there are opportunities to purchase "specials" when available. The cost of a box of groceries? $25!! And they accept Food Stamps (EBT), which definitely makes it attractive for those on limited budgets. I believe the "catch" is that they put religious literature in their boxes, but I personally don't have a problem with that, so I'm thinking most of the people who might avail themselves of this service wouldn't mind that either. Hey, when you have a limited income, something like this could mean a world of difference.

2. Why are families so complicated? Especially the adults????

3. Kokomo, IN was beautiful this weekend when we visited hubby's late wife's parents. Her sister picked up the parents from their nursing home and brought them to her house, which was theirs until they began to need so much care. They sold it to surviving daughter for $1, and she's now sold her old house, redecorated parents' house, and is living there with her husband. She had a nice cookout for us all, and we were really glad to get to spend some time with them all.

4. Had a surprise visit from Mom and the 2 nieces, ages 8 and 2. The 2 year old is very very independent, which makes for many challenges, but she's so damn cute she is able to carry it off. I still hear her little voice saying "Ooots!!" when she dropped something, instead of the usual "oops!!" that other people say. lol She also learned to say my actual first name, or the shortened version of it that my family uses, which is a big step for her! She also mastered another difficult word, and is clearly developing by leaps and bounds. The 8 year old is so very sweet and smart -- spending time with her is delightful. We took the girls to a local kids' museum and let Mom stay home and rest without kids for a while. She really enjoyed that, and needed it badly.

5. There's more stuff but nothing that significant that I can think of, or that's easy to share here without a billion pages of background material, so I'll leave it at this for today.

Y'all be good to each other,
WIP

Life and stuff

2006-08-29T12:18:00.000-06:00

Having the weight of my sister's court appearances out of the way, hubby and I got to actually ENJOY each other for a change. This past weekend was busy busy busy!

On Saturday, we attended a training session for teaching Religious Education, AKA Sunday School, at our church this fall. We have the 1st and 2nd graders, which should be fun. :) Our church has a "Safe Congregation Policy" which means that there are always, without exception, to be two adults together when there's a child present, so hubby and I will teach together. We also have two other folks with whom we'll rotate teaching duties, and he and I will also rotate who is the Lead and who is the Assistant. Hopefully, this will keep everyone from reaching burnout.

Saturday night was just a quiet evening at home, which, again, was a very welcome respite.

Sunday, though, was a day-long funfest! First there was the leisurely breakfast of actual breakfast foods -- toast, bacon, eggs -- yum! Then church -- the annual Water Communion service. This involves everyone bringing with them water they've collected on their travels this year. We brought a bottle we filled up in Illinois when we were with Sis. We all pour our water into a large bowl and say aloud the name of from where this water was brought. Then, after singing, blessing the waters, and basically feeling very much at one with the other folks in the sanctuary, we go outside to the Columbarium (place for scattering ashes) and pour the water around and inside the boundaries of this area, again saying a blessing. It's surprising how refreshing and healing this exercise is. It's something I look forward to each year. Here's the info from the Unitarian Universalist Association explaining the Water Service:

The Water Ceremony, also sometimes called Water Communion, was first used at a UU worship service in the 1980s. Many UU congregations now hold a Water Service once a year, often at the beginning of the new church year (September). The service usually goes like this:

* people bring small amounts of water from places special to them (a lake they swim in, their own well, a place they vacation, their bathtub, you name it).
* during the appointed time in the service, people one by one pour their water together into a large bowl.
* as each water is added, the person who brought it tells why this water is special to them.
* the combined water is symbolic of our shared faith coming from many different sources. It is often then blessed by the congregation, and later boiled and used as the congregation's "holy water" in child dedication ceremonies and other such events.

There are examples of the text of water ceremonies at www.uuintergenerational.org

After service, we joined friends at a new gay-owned cafe for lunch and had a marvelous time. From there we hit Borders to buy some gifts for hubby's late wife's parents, whom we will visit this weekend. They're both in the same room at the nursing home now, so we want to be sure to visit when we can.

From there, we drove around town to some areas we weren't familiar with and really enjoyed seeing where the roads took us.

The big event, though, was Sunday night. We were very privileged to attend the Bruce Cockburn concert at 3rd & Lindsley, one of the great Nashville venues for live music. It was awesome in the extreme! His lyrics speak to our conscience, which is sometimes disturbing because they are so true and right. I'm going to copy/paste an example below for those of you who are not familiar. If you haven't heard him, I highly recommend you check him out.

It was so good to feel normal and do normal things! Sunday was the first full day that I felt "good" and like myself. I had a great time, all day, with no periods of stress or distress, for that matter. I have to follow up with my doc this week, which will be good, because there are some things we need to set up for the future, like more PT. But now that the big events (Marriage Equality Summit, Sis's court dates) are out of the way, I think things will improve all the way around, I hope, including physically.

I will be updating my blogroll soon -- I am waaaaaaaaay behind on that. If you haven't seen this in my previous posts, be sure to check out Suburban Turmoil, written by a fellow Nashvillian (?). Those of you who are moms will definitely discover a kindred spirit; those who are women will discover a kindred spirit; those who love to laugh will discover a kindred spirit; those who.... You get the picture. I am so glad I discovered Lindsay through our local alternative paper, The Nashville Scene.

Peace, out, yo -- y'all take care!
WIP

TELL THE UNIVERSE
http://cockburnproject.net/songs&music/ttu.html

Tell the universe what you've done
Out in the desert with your smoking gun
Looks like you've been having too much fun
Tell the universe what you've done

Tell the universe what you took
While the heavens trembled and the mountains shook
All those lives not worth a second look
Tell the universe what you took

You've been projecting your shit at the world
Self-hatred tarted up as payback time
You can self destruct-that's your right
But keep it to yourself if you don't mind

Tell the universe where you've been
With your bloodstained shoes and your dunce's grin
Got to identify next of kin
Tell the universe where you've been

Editors Note: This song, Tell the Universe, was first played in front of humans on 30 November 2003, at Hamilton Palace in Hamilton, Ontario. It was played again on 5 December 2003 at the Empire Theatre in Belleville, Ontario. Tell the Universe, is played on the charango.

DIFFERENT WHEN IT COMES TO YOU
http://www.cockburnproject.net/songs&music/dwicty.html

Lyrics:

She said she wanted me
I had to let her know
It was never meant to be
And she had to let it go
She was pissed and hurting
But what was I supposed to do
I did not love her, but it's
Different when it comes to you

Lamentations everywhere
All the colours turned to blue
Desperation laid her bare
She told me everything I could do
She told herself a story
That flat out wasn't true
She made me feel sorry
But it's different when it comes to you

I don't want to go home tonight
I want to turn loose my lust
I want you to squeeze me tight
Do the things that we discussed
I bring you my broken self
With zero hidden from your view
I don't usually do that but it's
Different when it comes to you
I didn't know I could do that, but it's
Different when it comes to you

Sister sister

2006-08-29T11:59:00.000-06:00

Well, folks, I am happy to report that my sister retained primary physical custody of her children, and was awarded enough child support to definitely make a difference in their quality of life when Sis becomes employed. They've settled into a little 3 bedroom duplex in a small-townish suburb of St. Louis, and there's a Metrolink (St. Louis' light rail system) just around the corner from them. I believe this area will offer them greater opportunities than they would have had where our Mother lives.

On the other hand, the started harassing her from basically a couple of days after the order was made (of course). Sister has so far faithfully notified the police of the harassment, and has been telling him that he "needs to learn the terms of the order forwards and backwards, because we're going exactly by the terms of the order." (Yay sis!!!) I still fear for their safety, but so far he doesn't know where they live. Her attorney instructed that her address not be released to him due to previous harassment from him. They meet at a neutral location to exchange the children, and sis is allowed to have a 3rd party make the transfer, which is a good thing. This keeps ex from being able to intimidate her in person. This week when the transfer is supposed to be made, there will be a police officer accompanying her or whoever due to the harassing phone calls. Also, a police officer can make sure, per the order, that he has his own child restraint seats for each of the 3 kids.

He was supposed to have had the kids this past weekend, but on Friday, he called our Mom to say he only wanted to get the girls on Friday night, and wanted to get the little boy on Saturday. They stood their ground and said no, either you get them all, or you get none. He opted for none. Then he called Saturday to ask if he could take the oldest daughter to a movie, and again was told no, we're going strictly by the order, which pissed him off (naturally).

I do believe there is reason to fear him, but there's nothing I can personally do about that. I feel satisfied in my heart that I've done all I can or should do so far. I believe the attorney has informed them (sis and Mom) clearly of all that they need to do to follow the terms of the order and to use various legal remedies to resolve problems that may arise with the ex.

Sis is attending AA and has found at least one church that she likes in the area, but said she's going to be visiting others. Though she seems to be attracted to the more fundamentalist-type congregations, I am only concerned that she find a community to be a part of with her children. I hope she will take her attorney's advice to return to school and complete her degree in speech pathology, or whatever she chooses. Her biggest hopes for a better future are sobriety and education.

Thank you all for your support, thoughts and prayers during what was a very difficult time, and what may blow up again. I really appreciate having such kind and thoughtful friends, in real life and in the blogosphere. :)

Peace,
WIP

PS -- We didn't even get called to testify because the attorneys worked things out in advance! Oy!!

Nerves

2006-08-21T18:26:00.000-06:00

Well, as usual my body betrays me. I had to get worked in to see the doc today because I've had GI troubles for about 5 days now, and I can't take the chance on being ill while traveling. The diagnosis was Gastroenteritis, but I believe there will be a colonoscopy scheduled in the not too distant future. :( Actually, I'm not worried about the procedure, based on what I've seen with hubby and what he's said about Versed. It might be cool to be loopy for a day.

I did tell the Nurse Practitioner who saw me today that I've been under a lot of stress lately and felt that these symptoms were related in great part to that. I did have a temp of 99.6, so I guess there could be some kind of other thing going on too, but I still think the GI upset is pretty much all stress-related. Bleah.

Stalker

2006-08-21T18:05:00.000-06:00

My ex-brother-in-law is officially stalking my sister, apparently. Somehow he discovered the hotel she was staying in while arranging to move in a house that falls within the 25-mile radius of the union hall as stated in their divorce decree. I knew this would happen -- when we went up there for the initial court appearance I insisted we stay a good distance away from the courthouse, etc., because he's the type that drives around, drives around on the hunt, as it were.

I was visiting my sister a few up there a few years ago and we went out to dinner. After about 30 minutes there he comes strolling in, straight to our table. He said he's been in the bar and saw us come in, and just wanted to say hi. But when we entered the restaurant, there were just a couple of people at the bar, and he wasn't one of them.

My sister said she can virtually guarantee he's living in a tent out a campground (!!! Can you believe that???) and has no permanent address. She believes he's waiting for her to move in somewhere, which she did today, and then he'll settle somewhere nearby, so he "can be involved". Sis said she is going to do everything in her power to beg the court not to let him have her address, and to investigate whether or not he has one of his own. Good grief at the tawdriness of this whole issue, you know?

Hubby and I leave around noon tomorrow to go up there, so I can be available to testify about abuses I've witnessed. This is not the kind of trip either of us wants to take, but at least I have hubby to stand beside me. He's such a good man -- the antithesis of the ex b-i-l.

Rest in peace, Nikki

2006-08-21T17:31:00.000-06:00

This post is in memorial to my friend Karen's cat, Nikki. She was one hell of a kitty.

It's Thursday, and I can't think of a title

2006-08-17T11:32:00.001-06:00

There's so much going on these days that titles just escape me. There is no one theme for my life lately, other than not being in control of it. I'm betting there are plenty of folks out there who can relate to such a state of being.

Pardon the graphic nature of this next statement, but last night I woke up from a deep sleep with an upset stomach, and found myself in the bathroom throwing up into the garbage can while being perched on 'the throne', having similar expulsion issues on the other end. I have no idea why this happened, other than the ubiquitous descriptor "nerves". Not feeling sick today, but I do notice feeling a bit anxious, maybe a little hypersensitive to stimuli. I know this is because my cup runneth over at the moment, and should resolve once the situation with my sister's custody battle is resolved.

This week I need to send out some follow-up/thank you notes to the folks who attended our Marriage Equality Summit a couple of weekends ago. On the plus side of that, I've already seen a notice that one of the groups in attendance is holding a 'house party' for the VoteNoon1TN.com folks, which tells me the event worked well. I doubt I can attend myself, but I'm so happy to know that our efforts actually pay off. :) Perhaps Tennessee will turn the tide against discrimination against our LGBT brothers and sisters.

Also, I hope to have a resolution to a problem that my prescription drug company is giving me about my medications. They are really trying my patience, and therefore adding additional stress, by not being clear about what is necessary to get two prescriptions filled. The bottom line is, they insist that, in order to cover the filling, the drugs must be written for generic rather than name brand (Neurontin, Effexor XR). They've said that the dosages given are not in compliance with their standards or whatever they call it. However, there doesn't seem to be a problem if they're generic...so what the real problem is is that they don't want to cover name brand items. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!! The doctor's office is being so very helpful and kind about this -- I hate wasting all of their time on this because it's not a direct benefit to them. They don't get paid for this -- the pharmacy does -- so they don't have to be as nice as they're being. Bless their hearts, seriously.

Next week I may testify against the man who terrified me in October. While I'm not necessarily afraid at this point, I do feel anxious. I believe him to be a very dangerous person, as he's demonstrated in the past. I wonder if having to deal with the consequences of his own behavior will send him off the deep end and prompt him to hurt my sister or the kids. Every day you read where some guy, even under a restraining order, hurts or even kills his family. I'm not so naive as to think that can't happen to my family, and I don't think I'm overreacting. These things do happen, and they happen to good people.

So, therein lies some of the turmoil I find myself experiencing. I'm trying to maintain my center by deep breathing, staying in the present moment, and relying on those who demonstrate that they care for me. Pouring out my feelings, as best I can, here is a help, but by and large, only the passage of time will do the trick.

Let me hereby wish for all of you that your lives are peaceful and joyful, or that at least your hearts are peaceful and joyful. Oh, and that the heat continues to be knocked down a little bit! :) It's been positively gorgeous here in Nashville lately.

Catching up

2006-08-15T14:45:00.000-06:00

Well, it's been interesting the last week or so. It's hard to know where to begin. One positive thing I can say is that we finally got some rain! Hallelujah!!! My plants are looking better, less stressed, and though it's still hot, it's not as hot as it was a week or so ago.

Saturday was the memorial service for my friend's son. RunawayImagination has a great deal of information about it posted already, so I'll just link you to that post if you'd like to read about it.

Of course the biggest event of the last week was our last minute trip with my youngest sister, kids, and mom to deal with her first court date in the custody dispute between her and her ex. The bottom line appears to be that she must move back to the state in which her divorce was granted, due to the agreement she signed stating she would not move my niece (she only had one child then) more than 25 miles away from a certain point. However, she will be asking for a change in that agreement. She's having, though, to respond to her ex's charges of taking the kids out of state and of being an unfit mother. She is alleging (truthfully) that he is actually the unfit one, so this will be figured out in the court system.

Monday I received a notice from sister's attorney that I am being called to testify in this case. I wish I didn't have to do that, but if it will help, I'm willing. Hubby is taking off work *again* to go with me, though I assured him I'd be OK. He doesn't trust sister's ex (neither do I) and wants us to all be safe, so he'll accompany us to court. Maybe ONE DAY we'll actually get to take his vacation for things WE want to do, instead of using the time for other people's benefit!

After court was over last week, the attorney wanted to see my sister to go over things about the strategy they intend to use to fight this. I knew someone needed to take notes, so I asked hubby to go with her. Fortunately, hubby is an excellent note-taker, and deals with attorneys day in and day out in his position as a consultant with the state. He and sis went to the attorney's office and waited two hours to see her, but then spent at least 2 hours with her, which was massively helpful. Tonight there is to be a call from the atty to my sister, and sister plans to 3-way call hubby so he can make notes again.

It's funny -- in January my mother told me she was "mad at" us for "telling them what to do", yet had they done what we said then, we wouldn't be dealing with this now. She has actually said that they are very appreciative of all that we've done and will be very happy to have our help again, if we're willing to give it. I guess they were living in their own little made-up reality that apparently did not include paying attention to the laws of the land. The ex-brother-in-law also doesn't seem to pay attention to the law, especially when it comes to restraining orders, so I have to admit I'm a little nervous about coming into contact with him so directly again. He certainly saw me accompany my sister to court, but when he hears me testify against him, that could stir things up.

This guy continues to phone my sister, and leave messages on my parents' answering machine. Yes, that's right -- knowing that we're going to court even he persists in trying to control my sister. The message he last left on my parents' machine? A song, played in its entirety: "I've Got A New Girlfriend". Juvenile? Yes, of course. Stupid? Absolutely. That's what makes him dangerous.

For your laughing pleasure....

2006-08-12T09:33:00.000-06:00

http://knuttz.net/hosted_pages/Engrish-Part-1-20060810

It's an overcast, humid day here in Nashville, and we are going to be attending the memorial service for my friend Melissa Sigler's son this afternoon. I definitely needed some humor ahead of time. Check out that link for a laugh.

More posting/catching up later. Been out of town till Thursday night and then dealing with family until midday Friday. Lots to report.

The tag, from GirlMD :)

2006-08-07T14:33:00.000-06:00

Ha! I've been officially tagged, thanks to the lovely and talented GirlMD, whose blog I've been enjoying for a while! Thanks, Doc!

Ladies and gentlemen, my lists....

The book that changed my life: "What The Bible Really Says About Homosexuality", by Daniel A. Helminiak is one. There could be a million and a half answers to this question, really.

A book I've read more than once: Belying my southern heritage, "Gone With The Wind". Belying my intractable nerdiness, "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, plus "The Hobbit".

A book I'd want with me on a desert island: "SAS Survival Handbook: How to Survive in the Wild, in Any Climate, on Land or at Sea", by John 'Lofty' Wiseman (Yes, I looked it up!)

A book that made me laugh: "Naive. Super." by Norwegian author Erland Loe. I only wish I could read enough Norwegian to have enjoyed it in the original language.

A book that made me cry: I can't think of one recently, but I'm sure that's happened once or twice or a million times.

A book I wish had been written: "How To Figure Out What You Want To Be When You Grow Up, Wrkinprogress!"

A book I wish had never been written: Warning: the following answer is definitely controversial. Read at your own risk!!! Possibly the Bible, based on all of the terrible things that have been or are being done in its name.

A book I am currently reading: "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life. How to Finally, Really Grow Up", by James Hollis Ph.D.

A book that I am meaning to read: The Iliad and The Odessey

Five bloggers I'd like to tag:

RunawayImagination
PapaSquirrel
CapriquarianGirl
Karen
OBXBill

Plus Annie!

Poetry type -- need input!

2006-08-04T11:20:00.000-06:00

Here's what *I* think my poetry type should be:

I am, of course, none other than blank verse.
I don't know where I'm going, yes, quite right;
And when I get there (if I ever do)
I might not recognise it. So? Your point?
Why should I have a destination set?
I'm relatively happy as I am,
And wouldn't want to be forever aimed
Towards some future path or special goal.
It's not to do with laziness, as such.
It's just that one the whole I'd rather not
Be bothered - so I drift contentedly;
An underrated way of life, I find.

What Poetry Form Are You?

Here's what my actual type was:

I'm terza rima, and I talk and smile.
Where others lock their rhymes and thoughts away
I let mine out, and chatter all the while.

I'm rarely on my own - a wasted day
Is any day that's spent without a friend,
With nothing much to do or hear or say.

I like to be with people, and depend
On company for being entertained;
Which seems a good solution, in the end.

Gimme some help, here, people -- which do *YOU* think I am? (Thanks to NeuroticIlliniFan for putting this on her page for me to steal, as usual!!)

Pet Peeve #1 (today)

2006-08-03T19:09:00.000-06:00

Waiting 6 weeks for an appointment with a specialist, then showing up on time, and waiting 2 hours before even being called to go back. Even worse -- fasting for this appointment, which was at 10 am.

Upon making another appointment (4 weeks away), the person behind the counter apologized. I told her she didn't need to, it wasn't her fault. She fairly heaved a sigh of relief and said "Most people don't realize that." I assured her I remembered when I sat behind that desk, too.

Then I was told that, because I will be having a new patient exam, I should plan to spend 2 hours with the doctor. Well, that might have been helpful to know a while back. Part of the reason I couldn't wait was because I had an appointment with another doc to get an injection into my shoulder.

And to make it all a little worse, hubby had taken off work today to go with me, so we kind of wasted half a day of leave time.

However, the injection wasn't even felt, even thought it was into my shoulder joint, so props to the physiatrist with the excellent aim. :)

Wednesday whimsy

2006-08-02T20:16:00.000-06:00

Wasn't that a great post title? I wish I could live up to the 'whimsy' part, but at least it sounded cool for a sec.

Saw the Physiatrist Monday. To cut to the chase, he wanted to know what bothered me most at the moment, because we couldn't get into everything on this first visit. At the time, and most of the time, it was my right shoulder. At PT they thought it might be referred pain from my bone spur or bulging discs, but this doc said it was a totally separate issue. He said there seems to be something going on with my rotator cuff, which has nothing to do with my neck. So that was interesting. He sent me for a shoulder x-ray, and I'm taking those films to him tomorrow, when I'll probably get a cortisone shot. He gave me a prescription for Daypro, but it appears to have wreacked havoc on my digestive system. No more Daypro for me! Didn't help any in the first place.

Tomorrow I also get to see an Endocrinologist to see where I am in terms of having PCOS. I'm not diabetic, but it is thought that I am insulin resistant, and I've been taking a diabetes drug for that for a couple of months now. However, I don't notice any difference taking the max dose of this, so I'm going to be evaluated for another one. I really don't know what to expect from this kind of doc. I'm going to just have water in the morning, along with my normal meds, in case that will save me another visit to have blood drawn.

Still don't know for sure if travel is in my plans for next week. In case I haven't mentioned it, hubby is going with us, too. Big relief for me.

Got a call last night from the president of the local blues society asking if I could help them with some stuff. I gladly agreed, thinking this could help hubby alot, just by my knowing more people in the music biz. This also may help us go out more -- if we go to blues shows or concerts and write a review/take pix, they'll either get us or reimburse us for tickets or cover charges. That might make a big difference in some of the shows we'd attend, you know?

Help me make it through Sunday afternoon. The marriage summit is Saturday, and our guest speaker is going to deliver the messages on Sunday, and I am his official 'person' until all of this is over. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, though it doesn't seem like that much now. This will definitely look good on my resume, provided a blue employer is reading it. lol

Oh, hubby is taking the day off to go with me to all of these crazy appointments tomorrow. I'm so glad he said yes when I asked. :) I never ask him to do things like that, but I realized that if I get a shoulder injection, it might be better to let someone else drive home. Actually, that might not matter at all -- I've never had anything like this done before.

So, peace out, y'all. Wish me luck. :)

I'm a geek.

2006-07-30T14:29:00.000-06:00

I love to take tests, especially online. Here's the latest one I've found, from Harvard, regarding Moral Sense. Let me know what you think.

http://moral.wjh.harvard.edu/index2.html

Oh, and if you know of any other interesting, unusual, unique sites with tests or whatever, let me know about that, too!

It's been a while...

2006-07-30T09:39:00.000-06:00

I know it has been quite a while since I posted anything of substance here, but I thought I'd *try* to remedy that today. I am being a bad girl and skipping church, except when you're a Unitarian Universalist, that whole concept really doesn't even exist. Thank goodness!

There's really been a lot going on lately, and I am not sure how to tie all of this post together, or even if I should. Life is filled with random crap, isn't it? Things that just don't all 'go together'? Or maybe that's just me! Ha!

First and foremost, it's been frikken HOT. I hate hot. I hate sweating. I hate having a red face when I try to survive away from air conditioning. I am a wimp, I know, but this is a life-long affliction for me. At least it's almost August, which means it's almost FALL, my favorite season. Woohooo!

----------------------

Yesterday, hubby and I were interviewed on a local radio station about the upcoming Marriage Equality Summit being held at our church next Saturday. It was a very cool experience -- not at all nerve-wracking like I thought it might be. I even listened to the CD of the broadcast they recorded for us, and was surprised and very pleased not to have sounded like an idiot. I even didn't hate the sound of my voice. That's got to be a first!!

I will be so relieved when this thing is over. It's been in the planning since October of last year, when we first began discussing the then-possibility that an amendment to our state constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman was going to be on the November '06 ballot. As a social justice-oriented church, we knew we had to get involved. Being the then-Chair of the GLBT+Friends Committee, much of the responsibilities fell on me. Through this, I became acquainted with Jack Senterfitt, who is the Senior Staff Attorney for Lambda Legal, Southeastern region. He spoke at Vanderbilt University here, his alma mater, regarding marriage equality, and right then I knew he had to speak for us. We planned a "summit", where we could gather folks together from all the UU churches in Tennessee, and learn as a group how to canvass, how to spread the word, and how to get out the vote. One thing lead to another, and now we have not only Jack speaking, but also a couple of folks from the Tennessee Equality Project, as well as our minister and the now-Chair of the GLBT+Friends committee, who is the Education Coordinator for one of Vanderbilt's largest health clinics. We have music, we have food, we have child care -- we have people needing a place to stay, people with questions about other things to do -- and we have media, which I hope will include news stations from around the city.

I am very proud to have been the major player in this. No matter what else I do, I can say that I was instrumental in coming up with and planning this event, not to mention doing the majority of the 'legwork' involved. I know in my heart that I am on the right side of this issue, and that history will show that this was the correct position to take.

----------------------

I've been in PT now for several months, for both upper and lower back issues, and it has helped a good bit. Recently I found that I have several bulging discs in my neck, which my doctor actually wrote to me "equals a small herniation". Ummm.... Anyway, tomorrow I see a physiatrist about, I think, pain control. I'm really not sure exactly why I'm seeing him, other than my doc said this guy is a back specialist and should be able to help. I looked up information about physical medicine/rehab docs, aka physiatrists, and learned that, for one thing, they don't do surgery, for which I am amazingly grateful. My understanding is that these docs deal with the actual mechanics of the body, being able to do things like prescribe orthotic braces and such, as well as doing injections if necessary.

I don't want injections in my back, period. I am just scared to death of that. I'm afraid of that little slip that goes from therapeutic to paralysis. I don't know why I'm afraid of this -- it's not like I know anyone it ever happened to. I guess my reasoning derives from other needle experiences I've had. Here's one that I think illustrates this: I was having an EGD (upper GI) a few years ago, supposedly done by the "best" GI in town. The prep work was being done, and the injection of anesthestic substance, I'm guessing Versed, was done in the top of my hand (easiest place to get a vein, and no, it doesn't hurt or bother me there). When we got into the room for the procedure, the doc sprayed a numbing agent into my throat (another really scary aspect for those of us with anxiety/panic symptoms that include feeling as though one's throat is closing). He then began to try to put the tube down my throat. If you've ever had this procedure done, you may be wondering how I remember this. Well, I remember the whole thing, because THE ANESTHESIA *NEVER* WENT INTO MY BLOODSTREAM. There was a bigger than golf ball sized knot on my hand, where the anesthesia apparently was injected into the surrounding skin, rather than into the vein. I was petrified and crying on that table, trying to pull the tube out so I could tell the doc I was still awake, but he had nurses literally HOLD ME DOWN and continued to snake it down my throat. I saw and REMEMBER the whole procedure -- I guess the plus side is that now I know what my esophagus and stomach look like.

So, in conclusion, some doctors can be really MEAN and hateful and not at all compassionate, or even aware of what's going on with a person. I can't help but be afraid something like this could happen again, so I'm afraid of getting injections into my back.

----------------------

My youngest sister is probably going to have to go to court on August 9 to deal with custody issues around her children. That means she will have to travel from Florida to Illinois which is a looooooooong trip. I have agreed to go with her to court, because she just simply can't go alone. Our mom will keep her children for her, so it will just be the two of us. I feel OK about it, though I will most certainly be talking with my therapist before going for a 'shoring up' session. I'm not afraid of the ex brother in law in court, so that's not something that's very concerning. One thing I will be a little anxious about is when we're not in court. Maybe we'll just come back to my house (5 hour drive) instead of staying around there, even if it's late.

Y'all, I have to tell this. My middle sister "A" reads this blog and I don't want to upset her, but still, I have to get this off my chest. So, here goes. Back 3 or so years ago when my youngest sister and her husband divorced, she left him in Illinois and moved to Florida, where our parents are. She did not work and had no money of her own. Her husband said they could both use the same attorney, which I advised my mom and sister against. Still, they decided not to get their own attorney. His version of the divorce papers stated that my sister could not take my niece out of state, nor could my niece live more than 25 miles away from his union hall. And my sister signed this. And my parents READ THIS AND SAID THEY DIDN'T THINK THE EX HUSBAND WOULD BE "UGLY" ABOUT IT, SO LET HER SIGN THIS DIVORCE AGREEMENT WITHOUT EVEN CONTESTING THAT. All this time I'd thought my sister alone was aware of that clause, which was bad enough, but when I found out just recently that my parents knew about it and didn't think it would be a problem, I nearly disintegrated in incredulousness.

Last October when my sister left this guy AGAIN, my husband and I came up with a list of things to do/not do, based on the DIRECT EXPERIENCE we had with a domestic abuse situation involving his daughter, and the information we'd gathered from professionals in fields that deal with this frequently, as well as my own experience working in a foster care/adoption agency. Well, sister went back to this idiot after Christmas. In January my mother confronts me with how it pissed them off that hubby and I 'tried to tell them what to do', implying that we were being smartasses and that they didn't need any help, thank you very much. Since then, however, I have received an apology from my mom, not that it makes any difference, and not that she will always be sorry.

Two months after my own husband died, I bought my mom a plane ticket to come visit me for a weekend. Mom wasn't big on visiting me before, and still doesn't often, but it's more than it used to be, for what it's worth. On that weekend visit 7 years ago, my mom told me that I'm intimidating. I've talked about this before here, and I wish it didn't still sting a little bit when I think about it. What I've learned in the meantime, and what was reinforced by that last story I told regarding the divorce decree, is that my mother meant that she feels 'less than' around me -- she thinks I'm smarter than she is or whatever, which maybe I am in some ways. Still, that doesn't make ME intimidating. It just makes me different from her.

----------------------

My step-daughter continues to hate my guts. Her children's birthday (twins) was July 4, and, as always, I helped hubby pick out their gifts, signed the card, etc. This year, the thank you card was ONLY addressed to hubby, so that's pretty clear, don't you think? I do try not to let this bother me, but it truly hurts my feelings that this apparently spoiled-rotten selfish brat of a woman can be so childish. I want to respond in a hurtful or retaliative way, but I know that's not right. Still, I admit to daydreaming about what I would say, or what hubby would say, that would put her in her place and then also make this situation right. I do live in a fantasy world, don't I?

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Next week there will be a memorial service for my friend Melissa Sigler's son Bruce, who, at age 27, passed away of a heart attack. Yes, a heart attack -- no drugs involved, no foul play -- just a heart attack at age 27. Y'all, life is short, and you do not know when your number will be up. Please, tell those around you that you love them -- don't wait. I don't care if they think you're weird for doing it -- just do it. You will feel better and have a better life because of it. No one can say "I love you" too often these days.

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In October I get to go with hubby to Madison, WI for a week. He's attending some sort of conference or class at the university, and we're staying in the ritzy conference center there. We'll go up a few days early, though, flying into Minneapolis, so we can drive up to Lake Itasca, and, per his wishes, scatter my late husband's ashes. It will be good to get this done and know that I carried out my promise to him, even if it seems crazy to me.

We plan also to get tickets for Prairie Home Companion while we're there, and we already have tickets to Michael Feldman's "What Do You Know?" Yes, we're NPR freaks. I can't wait! I also can't wait to find Scandinavian stuff and cheese. I think hubby will concentrate on the beer.

In December we're going to celebrate our anniversary with friends who were actually married on New Year's Eve last year. Our anniversary is 12/20, so this works out well. We'll be heading up to Buffalo, NY, believe it or not, stopping in Cleveland, OH so hubby can finally see the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Don't forget to sign that petition for Leon Russell!!) I visited there a few years ago and could have stayed all day. I hope there will be SOME snow -- not the whiteout blizzard conditions that can come from the lake. I don't know where exactly we'll spend NYE -- maybe Niagara Falls? Wouldn't that be romantic and cool???

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I think I've caught y'all up on the major stuff now. I need to try to write more often, and I will work on that. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to those of you who've written to either ask about me or encourage me to write more often. It means so much!!!

Peace out, yo.

WIP

Rock -n- Roll!

2006-07-27T15:07:00.000-06:00

I have so many posts to make here, but while this is on my mind, if you're any kind of a rock -n- roll fan, please go sign this petition. One of my all time favorite artists, Leon Russell,
is NOT yet in the hall of fame, which is totally beyond me. If you know anything of him, you know he's played with and influenced the entire industry, so why they've ignored him is something I have no understanding of.

Sign the petition, please, and I'll be back!

"Being online"

2006-07-19T13:17:00.001-06:00

This is my tenth year of being "online". I've learned alot of different things since being here, not the least of which is that "being online" means a lot of different things to people. I'm not sure, even now, that I have the ability to explain what "being online" means, even to me.

For me, "being online" has offered me myriad opportunities that are probably not possible offline. Opportunities like...participating in telephone interviews with the likes of Tom Clancy, Nora Roberts, Paul Simon, the cast of "Touched By An Angel", and many others. Opportunities like...managing a staff of more than 100 volunteers of ages ranging from 13 to 70+ who served as chat hosts. Opportunities like...meeting countless now real-life friends, from all over the world, including my precious Hubby. :)

Yes, my husband and I met online through a :::gasp!!::: DATING SERVICE!!!!!!!! From the first email, we were both hooked, and after a whole 3 days of emailing, IMming, and talking by phone, we met in person. And, basically, we've been together ever since. Within a month or so of that first meeting, we were engaged. Oh, and let me clarify here -- we lived in different cities, 200 miles apart, so we even long-distance dated. We will celebrate our 3rd anniversary in December, and are more convinced by the day that we are most definitely made for each other.

The friends I've made out in cyberspace do mean a great deal to me, whether I've ended up meeting them in person or not, though I have met quite a few of them in real life. This October I'm hoping to meet a friend who was one of my chat host volunteers -- I've known this woman for 10 years, consider her one of my dearest friends, but we've never met in person. We went through the loss of my spouse and the loss of her youngest child, online and sometimes on the phone. We've continued to keep in touch, though by no means daily, through remarriages on both our parts, the birth of another child for her, and moves by the both of us. Finally I will get to hug her neck. :) I can't tell you how exciting this is for me.

Another friend who started out as a volunteer in my area ended up moving to Memphis, where I then lived, to go to college, and lived with me while she did. She has since graduated and is now entering grad school, for which I could not be more proud. I have gotten to witness her growth from teenager to adult, in a way that I couldn't have otherwise, being childless myself. Her life intertwined with mine in a very special and unique way -- I don't think this would have happened with any other person. Apparently, we were just meant to be lifelong friends/family. She tells me I know more about her family than she does (which might be true!), but that's because I've been fortunate enough to be included as part of their family. She is also included as my family, so much so that she and my good sister fight with each other (playfully) like actual siblings. They worry me sometimes. lol Not really -- it cracks me up. Also, my nieces and nephews, in true southern tradition, call her "Aunt So-and-so", because they love her dearly. My mom has adopted her, as has my late husband's family. :) I always have liked having one big happy family, especially when they include my family of choice.

"Being online" has allowed me to research things, to connect with people near and far, to learn new skills, to see the world more broadly, to find better deals on things I need to buy, to view places and things I'll never see in person. And as technology advances, I look forward to the new places the Internet will take me, and you, too, since you're reading my blog.

One thing I did want to add about meeting people in person that you've come across online -- don't be stupid. Just like with any other kind of encounter, don't give out too much info, don't meet in private, don't forget to use your common sense. There are good people and bad people everywhere. Yes, I've met some crazy/stupid people, and yes, I've had bad experiences, but the good FAR outweighs the bad -- FAR FAR FAR! Let your gut and, again, good common sense be your guide when thinking of meeting in person. If you rule out really meeting folks you've connected with online, you are doing a disservice to you both.

Peace, people.

So many topics...

2006-07-19T13:02:00.000-06:00

I guess this is a bit of randomness yet again, but I just can't seem to find one topic to settle on, and, being the lazy heifer that I am, I don't want to fool with making multiple posts.

1. It's freakin' HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Going outside involves trying to breathe. That should be a simple venture, but it's not, because here, it's like you have damp cheesecloth over your mouth & nose, so every breath you take is thick and heavy with moisture. Plus HOT!!! Oy vey.

2. I found out I have bulging discs in my neck, along with a bone spur. Isn't that festive? At least that explains the pain in my arms, which is apparently referred from some of the nerve involvement of my much-too-early arthritis and general decrepitude.

3. However, one of the PT assistants who has been providing my 3-times-a-week-for-the-last-couple-of-months-and-probably-for-a-few-more-months physical therapy told me that I needed to be sleeping with a neck roll and with a wedge under my knees. She said she began doing this a while back and it helped tremendously. She then gave me what's called "The Original McKenzie night roll", which is a little round cushion about 15 inches in length, and I'd guess about 2.5 inches in diameter or so. You slip this into your pillow case at the edge of your pillow where your shoulders would be, and then align yourself so that the roll is under your neck. As for the wedge, I don't know if it has a specific name, but mine is 10 inches tall and can be used as a back rest even. I had no idea how much difference this would make, but have been pleasantly surprised. Yesterday (1st morning), I woke up for the first time in years without a backache at all!!! As the day progressed, though, I did become sore/achy, but that's better than all day long! Today, though, I did have a backache upon waking, but again, not as bad as before, so I'm thinking this is worth doing.

4. It is really difficult sometimes to explain how I may seem outgoing and comfortable with people, but am actually on the shy side (like, not wanting to 'bother' people, particularly ones that matter a great deal to me or that I admire, by IMming, calling, or emailing them). I know I'm weird and complex and sometimes a complete pain in the ass to deal with.

5. I truly do love this blogosphere I've become involved with. I have met some of the neatest people here, and have found so many talented individuals who express themselves in ways I can not even dream of.

Ok, I think that's it about this. I guess I do have one more specific post to make after all, so that's coming up next.

Peace, out -- yo.

What's in a name?

2006-07-15T12:02:00.000-06:00

http://weirdtechnewshub.blogspot.com/2006/07/top-10-worst-url-flops.html

Please, go to the URL above RIGHT NOW and laugh yourself silly. Just trust me.

Seven Deadly Sins, ala Neurotic Illini Fan

2006-07-12T08:15:00.000-06:00

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	Very Low

If you want to see your own score, go here.

This is in honor of Joan, who had this list taped to her kitchen lamp. When I asked her if she'd covered them all, she replied "I'm working on sloth". ;)

The Seven Deadly Sins Quiz on 4degreez.com

Comic relief

2006-07-10T14:38:00.000-06:00

Snake #1: Are we poisonous?

Snake #2: I don't know. Why?

Snake #1: I just bit my lip.

Loss

2006-07-10T14:27:00.000-06:00

Our friend, Melissa Sigler, lost her only son yesterday. His name was Bruce and he was 27 years old. He appears to have died of a sudden heart attack, with no foul play involved. Melissa said that, looking back, he complained of heartburn, some fluid retention, and possibly chest pain, but who would imagine that a 27 year old would have a heart attack?

I am honored to have been asked to come sit with her this week. Melissa is a private person, though her gregarious nature belies that. She is one of the most modest people I know, when it comes right down to it.

She and her partner have been here in Nashville for about the same length of time I have been -- about 2 1/2 years. They have no family here, other than Melissa's mother, who lives with them. Her mom is in the throes of Alzheimer's Disease, and Melissa has not been able to make that decision that would move her mother to a full-time care facility. She still believes it's reasonable to care for her at home, and that is entirely her decision to make at this point.

I don't know what I'm going to say or do Thursday when I spend time with her. She's such a strong person, and I know her tears are going to bring my own with them. I plan to cook some red beans & rice with smoked sausage for her -- being from Lake Charles, LA, this is one of her favorite dishes. I also have some chicken & dumplins in the freezer, and I will take them too. I bet I can get RunawayImagination to make some of his famous bread for her. In my family, if you don't know what else to do for someone, feed 'em. So, I am carrying on a probably centuries-old tradition.

For those of you that are the praying types out there, if you could say a prayer for my friend's peace, I would be grateful. I myself am going to be praying for the right words to say to a grieving mother.

Survey Says?!?

2006-07-09T14:34:00.000-06:00

Sheep that I am, I'm following NIF and GG to do this little survey dealie.

1. FIRST NAME - You already know it if you're close to me
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE - Not that I know of.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY - Don't remember.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING - No, I think I scribble.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT - West Virginia Baked Ham
6. KIDS? - None of my own. Have 2 stepkids (hahahaha -- in their 30s, young enough to be my brother/sister!) and 4 step-grandkids, though!
7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Damn straight!
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Le Blogosphere
9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? I try not to.
10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yep.
11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Maaaaaaaaaaaaayyyybe. It does look like fun!!
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Oat stuff.
13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Oh please. No no no.
14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Damn straight.
15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Vanilla. It goes well with everything.
16. SHOE SIZE - 9 (!)
17. RED OR PINK? Scarlett red for me
18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My lack of commitment to stuff
19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? My paternal grandmother, late husband, his aunt, my paternal grandfather, my cousin -- basically, anyone who's transitioned over already
20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I think it's interesting to read these, so I do hope most people do it.
21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? If capris = pants, then light turquoise soft, cool capris (that are actually pajamas, but you can't tell so I wore them to church even!) and black Tevas.
22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Split a chicken taco salad and beef burrito something with Hubby.
23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? XM Radio -- XM Cafe. XM rocks, y'all.
24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Midnight blue or Whore Red. lol
25. FAVORITE SMELL? patchouli, stargazer lilies, Sumatran coffee beans from Peet's Coffee
26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Hubby.
27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Face and wit.
28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Damn straight.
29. FAVORITE DRINKS? Depends -- ice cold milk with breakfast, especially pancakes, and some sandwiches, like pb&j; Moet & Chandon White Star Champagne; sweet tea; fresh ground & brewed coffee.
30. FAVORITE SPORT? I can't talk about it here. lol
31. EYE COLOR? Blue/grey/green
32. HAT SIZE? Ummm...17 1/2. I have no idea.
33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope.
34. FAVORITE FOOD? Hard to name a favorite. It depends on what I feel like, you know?
35.
36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE THEATER? An American Haunting
37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Black long sleeved (pushed up) comfy shirt
38. SUMMER OR WINTER? Anything but summer.
39. HUGS OR KISSES? Absolutely -- bring it on. :)
40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Creme Brulee.
41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? RunawayImagination
42. LEAST LIKELY TO ObxBill
43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Don't remember the names, but one from James Hollis, PhD on Jungian achetypes and mythology; "Space Between the Stars" by Deborah Santana (Carlos' wife of 33 years); a book/workbook on trigger point therapy; a meditation guide.
44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSEPAD? No me tengo un "mousepad".
45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? "The March of the Penguins" which TOTALLY rocked!
46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Hubby playing the piano; nieces & nephews cracking up or saying "I love you Aunt WIP!"
47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? This is not an either/or question!
48. FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Aamot, Norway; Maui, Hawaii
49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? Picking up on people -- reading them
50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Oct. of '62 in Pensacola, FL.
51. WHAT IS THE MOST ROMANTIC THING SOMEONE HAS DONE FOR YOU? When Hubby and I were dating, he lived in one city and I lived in another -- 200 miles apart. Hubby would drive over after work at 4:30pm on Friday, and stay till about 4:30am Monday, when he would drive straight from my house to work. :) Or the time he drove me home, petting on me after I had thrown up all over us both -- reaction to a meal that contained iodine we were unaware of...iodine that I'm allergic to -- and helped me get cleaned up in time to be at the beauty shop in time to get my hair done for the event I was supposed to sing at that night...without making me feel stupid or gross.
52. WHAT WAS YOUR PROUDEST CHILDHOOD MOMENT? I can't think of a thing, honestly.

53. STAY HOME OR GO OUT? Well that depends on a lot of things!

54. FAVORITE MOVIE? Depends. That changes frequently.

55. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? No one! I stole it! Muahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Rudeness from Doctor OK?

2006-07-08T12:15:00.000-06:00

Headline from Comcast News:

CONCORD, N.H. - A judge has ordered the state Board of Medicine to stop disciplinary proceedings against a doctor accused of telling a patient she was so obese she might only be attractive to black men and advising another to shoot herself following brain surgery.

Umm...excuse me? Could this be real? Apparently, yes. Here's a little more:

"If you look at the polling, nobody likes fat women," he said last year. "Is it right? No. Is it sensible? No. Is it true? Yeah ... Black guys are the only group that don't mind that. Is that racist to say that?"

A 2001 complaint accused Bennett of telling a woman recovering from brain surgery to buy a pistol and shoot herself to end her suffering. The doctor was also accused of speaking harshly to a woman about how her son might have contracted hepatitis, according to the ruling.

Can someone please explain to me how this is considered acceptable behavior from a physician?
How do you trust someone to care for you who speaks to you in this manner? How does a hospital allow someone who is so callous towards his patients practice there?

A little more:

"The question now is: Will the board waste more of your and my tax dollars and appeal this, or accept done as done?" he said in a telephone interview.

Fitzgerald also ruled that state and American Medical Association requirements to treat patients with "compassion and respect for human dignity and rights" are so vague they are unconstitutional. Bennett probably would have won his challenges before the board, the judge said.

Bennett said he planned to sue everyone involved for "malicious prosecution."

"I am not inclined to be forgiving about it," he said. "It's been devastating and infuriating."

No, what's devastating and infuriating is that this man is being allowed to get away with what could amount to misogyny and bigotry with absolutely no censure, and that patients have suffered at his hand, or, rather his mouth. Like it or not, patients hold their doctors in high esteem, and what they say can be either uplifting or devastating, when not ignored altogether, of course. Doctors hold a position of authority, and must accept certain responsibilities as a result. One of those responsibilities, I believe, is to not try to hurt their patients. "First, do no harm..."

Words can hurt. Words can ruin. Words can devastate. Words can have the opposite effect of what's intended. The Greek word "sarcasm" means "to tear the flesh", indicating how powerful words can be. This Dr. Bennett has clearly torn some flesh with his statements, and, in my opinion, that qualifies as doing harm.

Oh, and for the record? It's not just black men who like fat women, Doc. And there are a lot who do. Ask my hubby.

I've been tagged!

2006-07-05T11:23:00.000-06:00

My friend Cathy over at http://arthritisrants.blogspot.com/ tagged me, so here are my answers:

A) Four jobs I've had in my life

Training Coordinator, Medical Office Software
Ghost Typist, AOL partner (Typing for someone who is being interviewed over the phone but is "appearing
in the chat room)
Newsletter Editor, AOL partner
Systems Administrator, non-profit org

B)Four movies I would watch over & over

Terms of Endearment
Raising Arizona
Young Frankenstein
The Big Lebowski

C) Four places I have lived:

Pensacola, FL
Memphis, TN
Nashville, TN
That's it!

D) Four TV shows I love(d) to watch:

Judging Amy
Law & Order
The Daily Show
The Colbert Report

E) Four places I have been on vacation:

Norway
Maui
Sanibel Island
San Francisco

F) Web sites I visit daily:

The blogs of: RunawayImagination, OBXBill, Purr, Capriquarian Girl, Dream Mom, Fat Doctor, Girl MD, Neurotic Illini Fan, Prairie Bluestem, Crazy Aunt Purl, Guiness_Girl, Cathy, and oh so many others!

G) Four of my favorite foods:

Spicy stuff
Sweet stuff
Salty stuff
Crunch stuff

H) Four places I would rather be right now

Norway
Maui
Tahiti
a pool!

I) Four friends I think will respond:

No clue, but all those bloggy types I listed up there should do this too!

Extreme randomosity

2006-07-03T09:53:00.000-06:00

I was threatened by a scary friend the other day to post something new, so I'm doing that now in an effort to avoid violence and harrassment visited upon my person!

1. I just finished reading Deborah Santana's book (yes, THAT Santana...the wife of Carlos) "Space Between the Stars", and truly enjoyed it. It's an autobiography, describing her life as a biracial person, and her growing in to the person she is today. I found her writing very lyrical and poetic; she wrote about things that couldn't have been easy to put out there in front of the whole world, but that was the point... If you're looking for a good read that has a good message, this is it.

2. Why is it so damn hot already? I know it's July now, but it's been REALLY HOT for several weeks. That doesn't look good for the rest of the summer, y'all!

3. Why are there so few butcher shops in Nashville? (Sorry, vegetarians!!) I did a Google search and only found a couple, which was disappointing. Hubby wanted to check out meat markets in our area, so we ended up driving to Russellville, KY, which is about 40 miles from us. But it was way worth the trip! The drive was beautiful, for one thing, and we truly got great stuff at a bargain. The ribs, and later the burgers, were fabulous! I guess we'll be visiting Russellville again!

4. Some blogs I love but haven't had time to add to my blogroll yet:
From Guinness_Girl: http://mymentalbuffet.blogspot.com/
From PapaSquirrel: http://squirrel-squad.blogspot.com/ (This is a real-life friend of mine in Memphis, TN who has marvelous taste in all things hip!)
From a lovely woman named Cathy: http://arthritisrants.blogspot.com/
From the very interesting Charity Doc: http://fingersandtubesineveryorifice.blogspot.com/
About Domestic Violence: http://homesweethome.wordpress.com/
Cute Overload = cute animal pics with funny captions -- warning, very silly: http://mfrost.typepad.com/cute_overload/
Doctor Anonymous: http://doctoranonymous.blogspot.com/
In a Doc's Mind: http://docsmind.blogsplot.net
An incredibly funny mom in the Nashville area: http://suburbanturmoil.blogspot.com/
Another interesting Doc: http://foofoo-5.blogspot.com/

5. I didn't list this above because it's special: http://freecycle.org This is an organization that helps folks get rid of things they no longer need that might otherwise end up in a landfill, though my experience is that people give away lots of good stuff, too. For example, Hubby & I picked up a 21-speed mountain bike yesterday that simply needs new tubes for the tires. We happened to also be giving away a bread maker that needed a new pan, but still worked and was usable. It ended up in a trade, which was cool, but the breadmaker could have gone to others, too. Today I saw someone giving away Hootie & the Blowfish tickets for a concert here tomorrow. If it wasn 't outside where it's Hell-hot, I'd ask for them myself. You frequently see people asking for or offering things that one would need for setting up a new household -- like college students, or maybe even displaced people..like when going through a divorce. Anyway, it's a really cool idea that actually works! It's free, you're not allowed to charge for things you put on the list, and I highly recommend it!

6. We've been making a lot of homemade icecream lately. Last night was Ben & Jerry's Fresh Peach recipe. It was very good, but contained raw eggs, which I'm a little leery of. I think I prefer the custard method of making icecream to the raw eggs one, but it WAS very creamy. Maybe because I overbeat the eggs & stuff, but still... Anyone have any recipes for me? I have a Rival Ice Cream Maker, and I think it does like 1 or 2 qts.

7. We'll be doing some traveling this month, to deliver my car...my BABY...to my brother in Florida, who is buying it for his family. It's a 95 T-bird, Moonlight Blue, with pearl grey leather seats and a moonroof. Oh, and a V-8 engine -- not very welcoming of the high gas prices we have these days. The thing is, I don't drive much, so I don't have to have a very economical car necessarily. Hubby bought a new Scion xB, the one that looks like a shoebox on wheels? Honestly, it's the coolest car! You feel like you have so much room inside -- there's a lot of dash space and little cubbyholes for things. He has his XM radio wired in so we listen to that mostly when we drive. I will now be driving....(cue foreshadowing music) his MINIVAN!!!!!!!!! No, seriously, we have to have the van so he can haul his equipment around, but I swear, never in my life did I see myself driving a minivan. A convertible, yes; a minivan, no. What's happened to me????????????? lol

8. I feel all bruised. I've been back in Physical Therapy for about 2 1/2 weeks now, and honestly, I feel more pain now than I did when I started. I will speak with the therapist about this today. I could take stuff for pain, but then I couldn't drive, which wouldn't work on days when I have appointments. I've tried stretching daily, which is part of what I'm supposed to do, but I think I may have strained something(s) last week when we were adding some new exercises to my regime.

9. I have the most wonderful husband on earth. I hate to say this out loud sometimes, for fear of being seen as a braggart, but I am truly blessed. He spoils me rotten -- not with material things, but with love and attention, which are of much great value. He seems to revel in doing little things for me, like paying attention to how much liquid is in my glass and refilling it if it gets low (in his opinion). I have to tell him not to sometimes because I love to crunch on the ice in the glass, but he is ever-vigilant. He also loves to grill, so he does a lot of the cooking lately. He goes to the Farmer's Market on his way home from work to get the best local tomatoes and corn and other veggies, or exotic spices from the international market. I could probably ask him to drive to outreaches of the county to get some little thing I thought I wanted and he'd do it without asking questions or complaining. He does the hard work in the garden and yard; he massages my aching bodyparts with one of those professional massagers you get from a chiropracter's office; he seems to relish every compliment, every lovey-dovey expression; he brings me sweet cards for no reason; he remembers and celebrates our anniversaries, even the day we first made contact, our first date, etc. Btw...have I ever told you we met online, through personals ads? We did -- 3 years ago -- and have been married 2 1/2 of those years. :)

10. Hubby's son is a doll and truly one of my dearest friends. I know I could call on him for any reason whatsoever and he'd be at my aid ASAP. He is growing into the man his father is, but at a much younger age, which is better -- less crap he'll have to endure and more pleasure to be gained. He values his dad's counsel, and his dad values his as well. I am so blessed by the love and respect they have for one another, which was hard-won, according to them both. They went through some tough times in the past, but now they are amazingly close. I'm so happy for them both, and just bask in the glow of their love.

11. We're going to visit my entire family when we take my car to my brother, and though I'm slightly nervous about it, mostly I'm looking forward to it. We are planning to celebrate all summer birthdays when there, which will include both sisters, 2 of the youngest sister's children, and a sister-in-law. Might as well have a party, huh? :)

Well, that's as far as I could get today. I hope that this post keeps me out of harm's way! You never know, though -- my demanding friend is very unpredictable. ;)

WIP

Spur of the moment getaway!

2006-06-24T07:02:00.000-06:00

Hubby and I are packing as we speak for a last minute getaway to Chattanooga! Well, actually, he's showering as I type this, so that's not really packing, but you know what I mean. I love little trips like this!

Our friend, the incredible blues woman Ann Rabson is playing at The Chattanooga Billiard Club in the Tropicana Room (doesn't that sound all Lucy & Desi?), and we're going to catch her there. She sent us an email late this week announcing her last minute scheduling there, and since we have a very busy July/early August ahead of us, we decided that a brief weekend jaunt would be perfect right now. I, for one, am looking forward to indulging in the hotel's pool when we get there, since it's already hell-hot here in Tennessee -- and it's only June!!! I shudder to think of July & August!

I'm virtually certain that my dear, sweet hubby will have pics to post when we return, so be sure to check his blog. ;)

A bientot, mon amis!

WIP

My "good" sister

2006-06-21T11:29:00.000-06:00

I was reading back through this blog and discovered that, though I've often spoken of my youngest sister and her issues, I've rarely spoken of our middle sister, aka The Good Sister. I feel guilty about this, because of all people, I should write about her. She has always been and continues to be a great joy in my life. So, here are some things you should know about A.

A is 5 years younger than me, 2 years older than youngest sister, M. Naturally, with such an age difference between us, we didn't have a lot in common until we were older. Youngest sister was so much younger that she seemed like a baby most of my growing up life, but A always seemed very self-sufficient and not much in need of help like the baby was. A was always very sweet, very placid, even -- someone everyone liked. She had a good friend, P, who lived around the corner, and they were always together. I know it used to annoy her that M would always tag along behind her, but she tolerated it for the most part, because she and M were also very close.

I have the most beautiful pictures of A, from when she was a baby. She had the most beautiful white-blonde curly hair, and sea-foam green eyes, or so they looked to me. She also had cute little toes, which I noticed in a picture of her, my brother and me, swinging like mad together on a porch-type swing in the backyard of our 'old house'. She truly looked like an angel.

At times growing up, she was a cheerleader for the community football team; in high school, she was in the Flag Corps for a time. I took her to New Orleans once when she was about 15, I'm guessing, and she walked in a Mardi Gras parade along with me and a girlfriend. Probably not the most responsible thing I've ever done, but it was fun and she was no trouble.

I also used to take her and M to movies with me -- I remember taking them to "Gone With the Wind" and "Sophie's Choice". They tell me I took them to the mall alot, which I don't doubt. I used to cut their hair -- "feathered" it, as was the fashion in the 70s and early 80s.

When I lived in Memphis, I always loved it when A visited me. I have more fun with her than I do with most people. She makes me laugh so hard I nearly (and sometimes beyond nearly!) wet my pants. This runs in our family (no pun intended), so I can't help it!

She married a wonderful man who had 3 children by a previous marriage. Naturally, she was and is a wonderful stepmother. But she wanted to have her own children, like most women. Unfortunately, like me, and like my mother, and I think even our youngest sister, she had PCOS, which complicated her fertility. But with a little assistance -- better living through chemistry, as they say -- she gave birth to my absolutely magnificent nephew nearly 10 years ago. Like his mother, he's the light of my life, and amazingly smart to boot.

She has been the most hands-on mom I've ever known, participating in the Band Boosters club when her step-children were in high school. She and her husband manned the concession stand which funded, at least partially, this band's many out of state trips. They also served as chaperones on most of the trips, which couldn't have been easy. Now, she's the room mother for my nephew's class, and has been, I think, since he started school. She's also begun working at the school's library, which keeps her "in the know". I visited my nephew in his classroom one day when I was in Florida, and it was easy to see that he is much loved by teachers and students alike.

The reason for my visit was that A had a total hysterectomy, and asked me to come stay with her while she recuperated. I was so honored and flattered and grateful that she asked me. I was thrilled to be able to do something for her -- she's the most grateful person in the world, and so easy to care for. When I visited the school, everyone from janitors to the principal, teachers and students, asked after her. They were all missing her greatly and looking very forward to her return. I was so proud & happy for her. I'm glad others recognize what an angel she is.

She's also quite talented, having become a practiced quilter, among other things. I doubt there's a limit to her creativity, but she focuses her talents on quilting at the moment. She has made some beautiful pieces for everyone but herself, I believe. Thanksgiving before last, she made me a tablecloth while she was sitting at my kitchen table. That just blew me away! She made it look so easy that I bought some quilting material and a pattern, thinking I would try it too. I have to remember to give it to her next time I see her, cuz it's been sitting in my closet for a year & a half now. lol

Anyway, that's my middle sister -- mommy, wife, sister, friend, peacemaker. I hope I get to see her soon. Hopefully we'll find some time this summer to get together. She has no idea how much I miss her, and when I try to tell her, she just brushes it off -- she's quite modest, in case I hadn't mentioned that. Just one more thing that makes me love her so much.

Peace, everyone,

WIP

Queen Anne's Lace

2006-06-21T11:11:00.000-06:00

All along the sides of the roads near where I live, which is out away from the Metro area, Queen Anne's Lace, aka Wild Carrot, grows like crazy. I drive by patches of this lovely blossom all the time, and always wish I could see it up close. Well, today I finally just stopped the car on the side of the road and looked at it, up close. I also picked a few stalks to carry home and press. The four caplets of lace are currently residing in my kitchen, between two sheets of wax paper, under my giant Family Circle Recipe Book. I have no idea if this will work well with this wildflower, but I have high hopes. :)

I'm glad I took the time to stop and pick the flowers, as it were. Doing something so spur of the moment is not as much like me as it should be, but I'm going to try to remedy that. When we were in Norther Virginia recently, I saw what I learned were Wild Roses seemingly everywhere we turned. I never stopped to get a close-up look, though, much less pick some. I regret that error. If I ever have the opportunity again, I will not pass this by.

Peace, y'all.

WIP

Random things I've learned recently

2006-06-13T21:30:00.000-06:00

1. Anderson Cooper is Gloria Vanderbilt's son.

2. Our van will not crank, or even turn over, unless a foot is on the brake at the time.

3. Birds nest in my Boston Ferns, which are hanging baskets on my porch.

4. Fruit freezes in homemade ice cream.

Yes, I'm blonde. What a surprise. :D

Kooky dreams for a change! lol

2006-06-13T10:56:00.000-06:00

I must have eaten something weird yesterday to cause the dreams I had last night, but I have no idea what! If I knew I could do it again! Here are two little tidbits of information before I launch into this post -- A) the Bonnaroo music festival is occurring soon, apparently, and is very close to where I live, and B) I recently visited Memphis where I had dinner with a friend who always has some hilarious video to show me. We watched "Mario Cantone: Laugh Whore". Mario Cantone is a very funny man who plays Charlotte's gay friend on "Sex in the City". He did a bit about Judy Garland and Liza Minnelli.

Now, on with the post

Dream #1: I'm looking at a very well-delineated, closely packed field of marijuana plants. lol They are in a very contained area, but very much full grown (or more, I guess), and just glistening in the sun. Among the plants are a bunch of hippie types, just bursting for "them" to give "the signal". I learn that this huge plot of land is the site of the Bonnaroo music festival, and that the reason it's so well-delineated is because there's an invisible fence around it. Somehow it's been decided that the people attending the festival can do all the pot they want, but they can't start till the "official word" is given, and they can only do it in this area. If they try to take any outside the boundaries, they'll be shocked.

I go into a house a good distance away from the field/concert-goers. There are lots of windows on one side, the side facing the field, but I have the curtains closed. There are other people in the house, but I don't know them all that well. We are talking about all those folks out there and how strict the rules are, when there's a loud knock on the door. In walks the actor, James Wood, but he's like an FBI agent. lol Other FBI-types follow. He says he KNOWS someone here has some dope on them and he's going to find it. I am scared to death, but know it's not me. Finally, one of the other people there produces one shriveled up leaf, and James Wood seems satisfied, but takes this guy out to be shocked, apparently.

That's it for that dream.

2. I am again working in the business office of a hospital, like I did for about 5 years in real life. Some of the same people are there working with me, but they are WAY behind on their work. It's very frustrating, because it's clear that people have just let things slide. There are some new people in the back of the office, and they haven't been trained well. They are taking phone calls, and bring me a stack of messages. The messages are pretty much medical in nature, and have nothing at all to do with the business office. I take them to the boss, who says to take them to the person who's over the operators so she can handle it. I decide that I'm too frustrated to stay and decide to leave.

I get into a convertible and drive off. I'm going through a small town on a highway with a traffic light. I stop at the light and somehow pick up someone in the front seat, and Dudley Moore and Liza Minnelli (ala "Arthur"!) in the back. We drive off and have come into a large city with nice neighborhoods that have large homes. As we're driving through one of the beautiful neighborhoods, Liza & Dudley are bickering. I tell them to chill, but they keep on. Liza says something snarky to Dudley, and I tell her she has no room to talk after that fake marriage to "that queer, David Gest". She protests that he's not gay, and I say something like "Oh please! Everybody knows he is and just married you for the money! Why do you insist on such a charade?" Then I get out of the car, NOT stopping it in the process, and just let it go on down the road. I start walking around in this ritzy neighborhood that has beautiful green areas and parks, and then I woke up!

Anyone have an interpretation???? I can assure you I'm not obsessed with either pot or Liza Minnelli, so I'm clueless as to what this was all about! At least they were pretty funny dreams, in an ironic way, for a change. :)

Peace, everyone.

WIP

Family-in-law

2006-06-08T21:38:00.000-06:00

Recently some of you very kind people have commented that I must be nearly saintly because I've been able to have a good relationship with my husband's ex, etc. For those of you who have made such comments, thank you, but trust me when I tell you, not everyone feels that way. Nor do I have a good relationship with all family-in-law members.

Hubby's son is the one I'm closest to, and so is hubby, for that matter. I'm grateful for this fact on both of our accounts, because I truly love and enjoy the company of his son and his son's fiancee -- I feel like we're genuinely friends at the very least. There had been some difficult times for hubby and son in the past, but with time, those things have ironed themselves out, and now my hubby considers his son his best friend. That is a treat for me to see because hubby just simply is not that close to many men.

Hubby's ex has always been very nice to me, but even though I don't have a problem being around her or even kind of participating in her life and her in mine, it's still kind of weird to me. However, weirdness is OK, especially if it doesn't hurt anyone and actually provides a sense of peace in my home, which this particular situation does, for the most part.

Today, though, there was a fly in the ointment. Hubby's daughter emailed him, again trying to guilt him into forgetting about being thrown out of her house by her husband when they were in the middle of domestic difficulties. The short story is that we were called by daughter and ex to come to daughter's aid 2 years ago when she had her hubby arrested for domestic abuse. When daughter's hubby returned home after the 3 day mandatory restraining order, he came home early, and daughter didn't want him let in, so hubby blocked the door. After the time was up, daughter's hubby ordered my hubby and me out of their house saying we were not welcome in his home, and he goaded and baited my hubby to try to have an altercation, which my hubby very skillfully avoided. Since that time, my hubby has called daughter every week or two. That is, until the fateful birthday "gifts" delivered this year. Hubby turned 60, and daughter's family sent him some pictures, which were much appreciated, a few things the kids made, and then a mug with a form of a squashed frog on it and the wording "old croaker", as well as a hat with the wording "made of achy, breaky parts". Hubby was a little hurt by the last two items, but made no comment about that, thanking her family for the pictures and the other items they sent. Daughter made a huge deal out of his omission, stressing how her hubby did so much work picking out the pictures they sent, arranging them, etc. etc. etc. She had been told previously that her hubby needed to apologize for what he said to us while we were there, because until that happened, we could not feel comfortable around him. She finally emailed my hubby to beg him to give up on that, that she couldn't talk to her hubby about that, that she didn't want to rock the boat because things were going so well for them and she didn't want to stir up old stuff, etc. etc. etc. Hubby explained again why, without some kind of acknowledgement from her hubby of having made a mistake at least, we could not feel comfortable in their home or around him, period. Nevermind, too, that I have had nightmares about this clown -- as that incident happened only the second time I'd ever met daughter or him.

Longer story than I'd intended -- sorry!

This past Memorial Day we went to visit son and ex, as well as other family members. About a month before the visit, hubby called daughter to find out if there would be a time when we could see her and the kids without her hubby around. She complained that she couldn't talk when hubby called, but that he kept on talking anyway. She also complained that he was holding a grudge and being childish, that he should just move on, like they had, that they'd forgiven and forgotten, and we should too. Hubby decided to just let it go and not try to pursue any further contact with daughter for the time being. She pushed it, though, and wrote him yet another hateful email, and this time I responded that she needed to grow up, if she couldn't talk for whatever reason, just don't answer the phone, and that she was being selfish and disrespectful to her father, as well as to me. I explained that she could blame me for our not having contact with her hubby if she liked, but no matter what, she shouldn't treat her dad like that. I learned that that was like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Fast-forward to today. Hubby receives an email from his daughter out of the blue. This is the email, pasted next:

Life is too short...to harbor grudges. What if something were to happen to any of us? We could be dead tomorrow. If you want to risk loosing a relationship with your daughter and her family because of something that happened 2 years ago, then that is your choice.

My family has since healed and we have made numerous gestures of kindness to all who helped us in our time of trouble, including you. If you choose not to accept our way of making amends, then that is your choice, and I'm truly sorry for it, because it means you've chosen to cut-off your grandchildren who certainly don't deserve it. It also breaks my heart that you've forgotten all the efforts we have made to help you in the past in your trying times, especially with (late wife) . . . when we got the call that (late wife) didn't have much longer, Hubby immediately drove me and Brother and all our kids to TN in the middle of the night in a blizzard so that (late wife) could see the grandkids one last time, then a month later, Hubby drove me and Brother and all our kids to IN to pay our respects to (late wife)'s parents since we missed them in TN--if it were up to me and Brother, we would not have made all those efforts, it was Hubby's insistence that called us to action, and I'm glad for it.

I have yet to hear from you since your phone call over a month ago. You've talked bad to everyone else about me and my family, but you haven't faced us directly. I don't want to hear from anyone else. You're my father and I at least deserve that. I know you don't deal well with confrontation, I understand that, but there have been nothing but loving and open arms on our end, so it's frustrating to me that you won't accept them. I've been talking with you on the phone almost every week for the past 2 years, telling you every detail of our healing process and how much we have to be thankful for, and yet you continue to ask "is everything okay?"--of course I dismiss that remark, understanding you're being skeptical, and continue to tell you the joys of our hearts and successes in our lives, hoping that you'll actually hear me one day.

Hear me now . . . let go, forgive, move on, be a Father, be a Grandpa. Love, Daughter

I don't know, maybe it's just me, but that doesn't sound either very loving, or very persuasive of her desire to have a good relationship with her dad. It sounds more like a brat not getting her way. Hubby is susceptible to guilt, and daughter is certainly playing on that. I suspect that his ex had something to do with this, since daughter said that he's talked badly about her family to "everyone else". Oh, and I'm the 'anyone else' she doesn't want to hear from, which is good, as I had no intention of contacting her.

Honestly, I just don't know what to make of all this. I am so very grateful for the relationship we have with his son -- we get along better with son's ex, in fact, than we do with his daughter. I am aware that there have been problems with son-in-law historically, and that daughter is pretty self-absorbed, but geez... I wouldn't DREAM of speaking to my parents the way she has to her father!

So, what comes next? Good question. I don't know how he's going to handle this. He was really bummed today, but tried not to let it overtake his whole life. I pointed out the fallacies of almost every statement she made, and reminded him that he didn't do anything to deserve such treatment, and especially not at the hands of someone he did everything in his power to help. The fault lies squarely on daughter & son-in-law's shoulders, and with every communication, she digs a deeper hole. He knows all of that, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

So, there we go. You can bet your bottom dollar I'm not thinking saintly thoughts about this girl. Shame, too, because there was a time when I sincerely hoped we could be friends, but that's pretty obviously not going to be possible. Oh well. Son and fiancee' are delightful, precious people and that makes up for a lot. We'll have to see what happens with the rest of the family.

WIP

Tarlov cyst

2006-06-08T21:14:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know -- I had never heard of that either, but I have a 2 cm one of these in my lumbosacral region. According to what I've read at http://www.tarlovcyst.net , the definition is this: spinal nerve root lesions filled with spinal fluid, found most often at the sacral level through MRI scanning. Tarlov cysts can be asymptomatic or cause a serious neurological disorder called Tarlov disease. The symptoms are: pain in the low back, buttocks and hips. The thighs, legs and feet may or may not be involved. Symptoms can be opposite-sided. Tarlov cysts can also cause pain and disorders in the organs of elimination and reproduction, hypoesthesia, paresthesia, and pain in the thigh from lack of blood supply (neurogenic claudication). The postures of sitting, standing, walking, and bending are typically painful, and reclining flat on the side is usually the only posture that offers relief.

I have also learned that this is a fairly uncommon condition, and one that not a lot of successful treatment options exist for. I do not know at this point if I have symptoms as a result of this condition, or if this is simply coincidental to some of the pain I've been having. There have been times in my life, 20 years or so ago, when I had a great deal of difficulty with what I thought was sciatica, but I suppose it could well have been symptoms of this cyst. I'm not sure if there's any way to find out definitively.

My doctor is ordering more physical therapy for me, though she did also mention that now might be a good time to have a baseline visit with a neurosurgeon. That prospect is pretty scary to me. I have long had an almost-phobia of having surgical procedures performed on my back, particularly the needle part of surgical procedures, and any way you go with this, if surgery is involved, there will be a needle.

I'm not sure what to think about all this, or even how I feel about it. On the one hand, it's a very scary prospect, to think of having a spinal growth that could do lasting nerve damage. On the other hand, I'm not sure what the chances really are of that. I could be having back pain for a variety of reasons, none of which would have to do with a cyst. I've had lower back pain for many years, so does that mean I've had this cyst for that long? I just don't know.

Anyway, I guess I'll look forward to more PT. I know I benefited from it last time, and I have no reason to think I won't this time. Maybe they'll even be able to work on my neck & shoulders a little again, too. That would rock.

WIP

Lightning striking again....!!! Plus FIRE!!!!!!!!!

2006-06-05T16:14:00.000-06:00

Well, the last few days have not been the greatest. On Saturday evening, we experienced an unexpected-to-us storm, which involved lightning. We were struck, AGAIN, blowing out our VCR/DVD player and Internet connection (again). Not that big a deal in the grand scheme of things, but annoying as hell.

On Sunday morning, hubby started to blend us a smoothie for breakfast. He put all the ingredients in the blender and turned it on. Suddenly, and also quite unexpectedly, FIRE, as in FLAMES, began shooting out of the socket in which the blender was plugged. I did not know that this happened until I came of out of the bathroom later. Fortunately, he had good sense and quickly unplugged the blender, ran down into the basement, and shut off the breaker for that outlet. That breaker, though, also controls the electricity for that whole wall (coffee maker, bread machine), and the adjoining wall (REFRIDGERATOR!). Yet again he had the good sense to run a heavy-duty extension cord from the living room to the kitchen so we could keep the fridge plugged in. Oy vey!

So, today we had to wait for electricians, and are currently waiting for the siding people to come deal with the previous exploding-neighbor's-tree problem which damaged one side of our house. We are also needing to go back to pick up the new car we bought on Saturday, after having some of the add-on equipment installed. Again, none of these things on their own are humongous deals, since the house didn't burn down or anything, but when you add it all up, it equals STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I decided to go back on my anti-anxiety agent for a little while after all these little dramas have unfolded. I had JUST weaned myself off completely, hopeful of using it only as needed, but it looks as though, in order to make sure things don't get out of hand and turn back into full-blown panic attacks, it's safer just to take the minimum dose for a while. So, that's what I'm doing. I think this is helping with the heart hiccups, as I don't notice them today at all, and didn't really notice them yesterday as much. I'm thinking my plan is working. I'll check with my doc on Wednesday when I see her to either confirm or deny this.

Here's hoping the rest of the week is less hectic. I could sure use a little peace.

WIP

I am SUCH a baby sometimes...

2006-06-03T17:07:00.000-06:00

Yesterday I took an unexpected trip to my doctor's office. For several days I'd had extra-strong heartbeats, almost like hiccups, and it freaked me out. I've had these events since I was a teenager, usually, it seems, when I'm tired, but I'd never had them so often or so long as I did this time. I do know that I have mitral valve regurgitation, and perhaps mitral valve prolapse, depending on who read which echocardiogram of mine. I also have left ventricular hypertrophy, which is a thickening in the left lower chamber of my heart.

I'm new to this particular practice, and knew, due to having had them ask me to reschedule an appointment, that my preferred provider was unavailable. However, I called in around 3:25pm on Friday afternoon to ask if they could work me in with these "palpitations" (I didn't know what else to call them). I had no chest pain, shortness of breath, nausea, etc., so I was pretty sure I wasn't having a heart attack, but still couldn't rule it out due to the length and persistence of these 'hiccups'. The receptionist had me speak to a nurse, who did agree that I should come in, after, I think, determining as best she could over the phone that I wasn't about to die on the way over.

A nurse practitioner saw me, and after having an EKG performed, reassured me that I was going to be OK. She asked if I had been drinking a lot of caffeine (no) or was under a lot stress lately (I didn't think so until today). We've just returned from a long trip that, though very pleasant, was very stressful due to being with people I don't know well and yet need/want to make a good impression on (i.e. my in-laws), our preparations for buying a new car (did that today -- a Scion, the shoebox car), concern for my sister/family members, trying to overcome some pain issues, and also participating in my husband's retirement planning. Though that last part was fine, it still impressed upon me my absolute need to contribute financially to this household in order for him to be able to retire at the appointed time.

Though the appointed time is not for nearly 6 years, I still worry. I worry that I can't function normally in the work world any more. I worry that I won't make enough money to help him like he needs me to. I worry that he'll hold it against me if I can't do those things. I worry that if I return to the normal working world, I'll miss opportunities to do things with him and with others because I'll be working all the time again. So many worries.

Today I'm still having 'hiccups'. The nurse practitioner said she or my doctor may go ahead and order a holter monitor (records the heart's electrical activity over a long period of time) for me -- the only question is whether it will be a 24 hour one or a 72 hour one. I see my doc on Wednesday anyway, so this would be the perfect time for it. I don't expect them to really find anything, but this extra-hard heartbeat thing is both scary and annoying. I talked with my friend C last night about this -- she's had them too -- and it helped alot to share this with someone who knew what I was talking about.

When I was a teenager, I never told anyone I had these things. My Dad was dying of cancer, and I just KNEW that anything that happened to me MUST be cancer or something at least that bad, too. I guess it didn't help that in the couple of years before my father's passing I lost a favorite uncle to cancer and a favorite grandfather to arteriosclerosis. It seemed for a while that my life was ruled by death, even if it was other people's. Maybe I still carry a bit of that fear today.

My husband's late wife's father is not doing well at the moment, either. We have a good relationship with her family, though it took time, of course, for them to develop that with me. Now they call me their adopted daughter, which is very kind of them, and much appreciated. Hubby and I both know that it won't be long before we receive the call letting us know that he has passed on. As it is, we're planning to go to visit them on the 4th of July weekend. They live 6 hours north of us, and that's not that far away time-wise.

Right now much of our attention has been and is focused toward the people in my husband's past (ex-wife, late wife's parents), or toward his family. I think that throws me off a bit, because I don't really fit in to either place, other than with my husband's son, who is truly one of the supreme joys of both our lives. His son has always treated me with respect and as a friend, which is what we are. He is kind, considerate, thoughtful, hilariously funny, and so much like his father it's crazy. He has definitely been a balm when things have been tough with his sister (when haven't they been tough with her?). So, all is not dark and dim, really -- just difficult to process sometimes.

So enough whining. Hubby has gone to the grocery and should be home soon. There was some kind of accident on the interstate that tied us up coming home from the car dealership. We need to go back down to get it, but there's no point in going right now, as it would take forever to get home. Hopefully, things will clear up down there soon. I pray that whoever all was involved is or will be OK.

Peace,
WIP

PS We got new cell phones this week -- both with BLUETOOTH thingies! I feel so cool. lol

Good trip

2006-06-02T12:52:00.000-06:00

Our trip this past weekend was quite a success, all the way around. We covered a lot of territory -- almost 2000 miles, I believe. We also visited six states -- Tennessee, Virginia, West Virginia, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Kentucky. We stayed with hubby's son for the first time and had a marvelous experience. We also visited one of my cousins, his sister, and his ex-wife and her husband. There was even time for hooking up with some of his old band friends at one of their gigs, where we surprised them. Naturally, hubby was asked to sit in on a few songs, which is something he enjoyed tremendously. Clearly they were happy to see him and have him participate, and that really made my night.

One of the things I enjoyed most was getting to know hubby's son's fiancee better. We've only met twice, I believe, so we haven't had that much time just to hang out. She is a very beautiful, charming woman from Australia who sells stuff to gigantic organizations. She is very smart, funny, thoughtful, clever, and about every other positive attribute you can name. This kind of person would normally intimidate me, but she doesn't. She has a way of putting everyone at ease, which must be quite useful in her line of work. This weekend gave us the chance to just have girl talk, I think, and to enjoy seeing our men enjoy each other's company. We both enjoyed that aspect quite a bit, and spent more time together as a result. I am sincerely hoping that she and son will come to visit us sometime soon, and let us show them a good time. She's never been here before, so there would be a lot we could do. I also really look forward to future visits to their home, knowing in advance that I already feel comfortable there and like part of the family. That's a wonderful feeling, and quite a relief.

The visit with hubby's ex was interesting. This is the first time either of us has been to their home, though we pretty much always have seen her when we've visited up there -- she comes down to NORVA. This is the first time I've met her husband, though. Wasn't impressed with him, to be honest. No comparison between this guy and hubby -- other than he's younger. Definitely not of the same class as my husband -- no comparison in any way. I won't go into gory details, but will say that the ex had an affair with current hubby, which was the icing on the cake that was the end of the marriage. After, she and then-lover sponged off hubby, taking 'alimony' because hubby was more generous than he had to be ("she was the mother of my children") -- I do admire that about him, though.

I don't know how hubby can stand to be around her hubby, but somehow he doesn't hold a grudge. I don't think it's in his nature. He knows that her current hubby was definitely not her first affair -- the first was way back in the beginning of their marriage, and continued throughout their relationship. To meet his ex, you'd never imagine this about her, but he said that was the thing -- on the one hand she appears very normal, average, etc., but she has a "dark" side that's attracted to dangerous men and doing very edgy things. Some of the stories I've heard just blow my mind, but it's hard to walk in another person's shoes. I just don't get it, though.

His ex did give me a beautiful sterling silver fish with an articulating tail necklace she bought while she and now-hubby were on vacation at the Outer Banks. She gave a similar necklace to son's fiancee. For my hubby and his son she brought salsa. She's very kind and thoughtful this way, actually. For our wedding, she gave us a beautiful bowl for our coffee table, which was very surprising to me. I really appreciated her kindness -- it certainly made things easier for me to meet her for the first time -- on our honeymoon, actually.

This must all sound weird to the average reader. To tell the truth, it feels weird to me, too. I have a different relationship with my husband and his family members, I think, than most people. But then, our relationship is kind of different from most. I doubt many people reading this have a 17 year age difference between themselves and their spouses. I doubt many people reading this are divorced and widowed also. I think that makes a difference.

Speaking of having been widowed, hubby's late wife's father is very ill. He's 91 and until recently has been in pretty good shape. We attended his birthday party in December. He did say then, though, that he was kind of tired of living, which surprised everyone. As of now he's in a nursing home after having recovered from pneumonia. However, he's lost a great deal of weight and is not eating. He's also anemic, but no source of bleeding has been found so far. Prior to the pneumonia, he and his wife, age 85, I believe, were living in an assisted living facility, after having only given up their home in the last year. He was very stubborn about it, and though they really needed help a while back, he refused help. Money was his primary concern, as it is now, too. But, unfortunately, there appears to be a possibility that he may be in bad enough shape that money may not be an issue. Our concern is his wife, who is quite dependent on him. After all, they have been married 62 years as of the 17th of this month. I suppose we will be making a trip up to see them soon -- maybe even this weekend. I hope not, for many reasons, but we're prepared to go whenever necessary. If nothing else happens, we'll go for the 4th of July holiday. We're keeping our fingers crossed until then.

This weekend we will be spending our time at home, dealing with all of this lightning-strike business. I guess it's kind of good, though, because at least that will keep us at home. We could use a little rest anyway.

That's the news from Lake Woebegone. It's good to be home. :)

WIP

Lightning

2006-06-02T12:40:00.000-06:00

This past Memorial Day weekend, we took a trip to Northern Virginia and surrounding states to visit relatives and friends. Imagine our surprise on returning to find that our garage door window was broken, that the remotes for the door didn't work suddenly, and that my car was covered with leaves, wood chips and sawdust. Further imagine our surprise in discovering that our cable box, modem, router and septic pump were not working. And yet more surprises -- there were holes in our siding, some pretty large. There were things in the kitchen sink that had been knocked off the window sill -- we thought Roger the cat had done it.

However, we soon discovered that our neighbor's 100 foot tall poplar tree was struck by lightning on Sunday, sending sawdust and wood chips flying through the air, making missiles of the wood chips and making us very very grateful not to have been outside when this happened.

Because it's in our neighbor's yard and because it was a lightning strike, claiming it on our insurance is kind of out of the question, due to the $1000 deductible we carry. The neighbors didn't even realize their tree had been hit, since the side that was struck is facing our house. They just knew that there was a loud loud bang around 9 am Sunday morning and that they lost their TVs, invisible fence, and had things knocked off their fireplace mantle.

Hubby has wanted them to take down that tree for years, because it's so tall and will evenutally land on one of our houses -- possibly ours! He spoke with them about this again this week, and their response was that they hope the tree will die so that their insurance will cover it. I suppose they will leave it standing otherwise.

Well, things could have been worse, I suppose, but it really BITES to have to absorb the costs of all of these items because of someone else's tree.

WIP

Visiting family members

2006-05-23T16:15:00.000-06:00

Last week I had a relatively unexpected visit from my youngest sister, her kids, and my Mom. The visit went well, I have to say, but that was probably because it was brief. Here are the beautiful kids:
Now you can see why I'm so crazy about them. The oldest is 8, and the two younger ones are 11 months apart -- the girl is the older of the two, and will be 2 years old in July. Her younger brother weighs 1 lb. less than her, and is nearly as tall as she is. He's going to be a big man when he grows up. Both of his parents are tall, so I imagine he and his sisters will be as well.

I don't know what to expect from this move, so I'm trying not to have expectations at all. My sister has called me a few times since being down at my Mom's, and I take that as a good sign. She tells me that my mother is driving her nuts, again, but she claims that she understands that she just has to put up with it until she gets her own place. She had a job interview today, but I haven't heard how that went. This was something my mother found for her, which was part of what drives her nuts -- Mom tends to take over people's lives.

The funny thing is that Mom called me last week to say that she'd begun to read Melodie Beatty's "Codependent No More" and recognized herself in it. She said, and I quote "I don't know how any of y'all have stood me", referring to her always trying to tell us all what to do with our lives. I guess she needs to read a little farther.

Tomorrow morning hubby and I leave for the Northern Virginia area. There we'll visit his son, ex-wife, sister, and one of my cousins, as well as perhaps one of his friends there. The original reason for the visit is to take care of some business, which we'll deal with on Friday. Otherwise, the trip is just for leisure. I'm looking forward to seeing the people we'll be with, though I do worry about being overwhelmed. I plan to take as many precautions as possible and let hubby know when I've reached my limit, especially physically.

On the way back Sunday hubby and I will spend one night in Barboursville, WV, which is a suburb of Huntington. WV is a beautiful state, and I really look forward to seeing it during the late spring. I've only been through there once, but what I remember seeing was absolutely stunning in terms of natural beauty. I'm glad we'll have a chance to enjoy the state during a nice drive on a Sunday when we're not in a huge rush. Kentucky will be covered on Monday, and, as I recall, it was just about as gorgeous as West Virginia. All in all, this should be a lovely Memorial Day weekend.

I hope you all have a good holiday as well. Think good thoughts for us, please. :)

WIP

The birds....

2006-05-19T17:17:00.000-06:00

Today was the day of the birds, large and small.

We live on a sloping lot on the edge of a great stand of woods, which border a field on the back side. Because of this, and the fact that we have a total of 8 bird feeders (2 suet, 2 thistle, 2 sunflower/mixed seed, 2 hummingbird), we have quite a relationship with many of our feathered friends. This time of year, we see lots of babies coming off the nest, learning from their parents how to obtain their food.

At the suet feeders this week, we've had lots and lots of Starling fledglings. While not the most attractive of babies, they are pretty funny, which counts for a lot. They began this week gathering on our deck, wobbly and fuzzy-looking, watching their Mommy get mouthfuls of yummy suet, begging her to feed them. The first day, she did just that. The next day, the babies got a little more bold and began perching on the rails, looking wobbly still and wanting to be fed. You could tell, though, that she was not bringing them as much as they'd like, so they started competing a little more, becoming brave enough to fly up and perch very precariously on the rope lights we have draped between the feeders. Their attempts to steady themselves was quite entertaining! By the end of the week, though, they were able to get to the suet feeder themselves and get their own food, much to Mom's relief, I'm sure.

As is the case every year, we have wild turkeys that live in the woods behind our house. Now these guys totally crack me up. They walk around in our yard and in the neighbors', seemingly oblivious to what goes on around them, until someone comes outside! Then they hurriedly rush toward the woods, in some kind of turkey race-walk-strut thing. Occasionally, the fly into the trees. I will never forget the first time I heard a flock of turkeys "take off" from the trees at sunset -- it happened to be on Halloween night, nearly 3 years ago. It sounded like helicopters! Now, though, I'm used to them and still find their antics pretty entertaining. I just looked up what they eat, and there doesn't appear to be anything I'm willing to put out for them that would be attractive, so I'll just have to keep hoping for their occasional visits and antics.

But today was the pinnacle of my bird experiences. I noticed this afternoon that there was a baby robin, still with pin feathers, hopping around on my front porch. It looked a little like this:
After it had hopped to the edge of the porch and continued to just sit there for about 20 minutes, I wondered if it was injured. It didn't appear to be -- it just appeared to be lost. I then wondered if it would fly away if I tried to join him on the porch, so, in that event, I took a book with me and, as slowly and as quietly as I could, I opened the door -- fully expecting to be alone on that porch, reading. However, it surprised me and stayed put! I sat down on the porch steps, and just watched for a bit. I could then hear this little bird calling out to its mother (I'm assuming), but not acting as though he were frightened. I continued to sit there, observing in silence, when, surprisingly, it began hopping toward me! I stayed still, and, the next thing I knew, it hopped up on my arm!!! I was shocked!!! It didn't appear ill or injured, or even nervous -- just young. I noticed when it heard an adult robin call, it would call in return. None of the adults seemed to care, though. The baby continued to sit contentedly in my hand, but I knew it couldn't last forever, so I slowly lowered it to the ground, at which time it decided to poop on me! lol I knew it had to happen sooner or later! But once it reached the ground, it flew about 4 feet, and began hopping across the lawn. It reached the woodpile we have under a tree, and began its calls again. This time, an adult robin seemed to recognize, or at least respond to them. At that point, the adult got close to the baby, then turned around and hopped a short distance away. The baby followed. I think I saw the adult feed the little one at one point, but can't be sure. I continued to watch their little march up my lawn, until I couldn't see them anymore. I can only hope that this little fearless treasure continues to survive and even thrive. It certainly touched my life unexpectedly and made my day incredibly special.

Peace.
WIP

The joy of friendship

2006-05-15T17:43:00.000-06:00

Today I'm home after five days in Memphis, visiting friends. I'm so very happy to say that it was absolutely wonderful. :) Sometimes seeing people, especially people whose friendship means a lot to me, is very difficult -- I avoid it at times for fear of rejection. You know, the old "I'll avoid you first so I don't have to risk you not wanting to spend time with me." But this week was stellar, in that no one was avoided, and I was rewarded by wonderful times and a lot of shared affection.

First, there was dinner and a taped comedy show at W's house. (No, not THAT W -- *my* W is about as far as you can get from the other one) We (my friend K and I) had filet mignon, cooked with much flourish and accoutrements, and also slaved over by my umbrella-wielding friend due to the giant rainstorm that came up during the cooking. Still, everything turned out well. His partner, N, made his famous guacamole and salsa, which we devoured, naturally. They had also made roasted potatoes and Greek-style green beans, which were also delish. K & I had brought a cake from TCBY, which was almost totally gone by the time we left. Just FWIW, those cakes are yummy and very light! I think I'll be buying them more often now!

Thursday we tried out a new restaurant, called The Soulfish Cafe. Catfish is as Memphis as BBQ, and this place seemed to do great justice to it, though K & I both settled for something different. This is another restaurant I would highly recommend, though there are so many in Memphis it's hard to keep track. Afterwards, we worked with a little 8 year old girl K has worked with for several years. This precious little child has several severe disabilities, but is quite bright and very loving. There was a time when I, and many others, believed she'd never even talk so you could understand her, much less be able to attend school, but surprise surprise!! She liked to pretend she was talking on the phone, and at one point told the "person" on the other end "Why don't we shoot for next week?" She also, surprisingly, mimicked my "blah blah blah" when I couldn't think of anything else to say, so I hope her parents don't mind that she's added that to her vocabulary. :) She hugged me numerous times, which filled my heart with great joy, and I truly, deeply appreciated the opportunity to get to know her better through play therapy.

That night we had dinner with P, A & P, who made a delightful gourmet meal of Tuna steak with a seasoned butter glaze, fried rice, and yummy spinach salads. For dessert we had mango sorbet, raspberry sorbet, and Mayan chocolate ice cream. Everything was wonderfully prepared, visually and culinarily. Talk about being pampered!

Friday was a bit of a rest day, though K & I did make it to the greatest breakfast place in the universe -- Brother Juniper's College Inn. You can't help but have a good day if you start it here. Brother Juniper was St. Francis of Assisi's cook and a devout follower. Breadmaking is one of the skills he was known for, and Brother Juniper's follows this tradition by having a breadmaking school to teach young people a worthwhile skill. All I can say is try the biscuits. Trust me.

Hubby joined me Friday night, and we opted for deli sandwiches and such at K's home that night. On Saturday, we drove down to the new Farmers' Market, a much needed addition to downtown. Though we didn't stop, it looked packed, which is an excellent sign. At noon we joined L, J, M, and D for a birthday lunch for L at The Brushmark, part of the Brooks Museum of Art. It was the perfect day to sit out on the patio, and we all had a marvelous time. Afterwards, we retired back to L & J's house for L's homemade Ponchatoula Strawberry cake, my all-time favorite! We enjoyed a lot of interesting discussions, good music, and the fun of watching L open her birthday gifts! All of these folks mean a great deal to me, and I was so happy to see them all and spend time with them without stress or pressure.

Saturday night we met J & C for dinner at Abuelo's. We had about an hour's wait, so we got to hang out at the bar and talk. Unfortunately, I can't drink liquor due to some of the meds I'm on (boooooooooooo!), but, fortunately, that's not required for me to have a great time. :) We all had a delicious meal, and continued to chat it up for some time after. I'm sure they were glad to see us go when we finally left, due to our loud laughter and raucous demeanor. ;) Kidding about the raucous demeanor, but only slightly. We truly had a great time. It was so good to see J again -- I've missed her terribly, and getting to reconnect did my heart and soul a lot of good. :)

On Sunday, we attended Neshoba Unitarian Universalist Church and got to hear what appears to be their future settled minister. In UU churches, a delegation of church members previews ministers who are looking for a new, permanent position, and then, based on their recommendations, the congregation calls a minister to be their candidate. Usually that means that the new minister spends a week or two with the congregation, preaching once but usually twice. This was the new minister's first sermon there, and we were both very impressed. He is a young man, married, and from the Chicago area. He seems to have a lot of energy, which this congregation will clearly need, as this particular church has a large number of children and young people. I hope it works out that he becomes the settled minister, and I look forward to visiting this church when we visit Memphis in the future.

Afterwards, we had lunch at The Commissary, home of the BEST BBQ in Memphis, with Lance's brother and sister-in-law, whom I love very much and with whom I'm still close. Their one and only daughter is pregnant, something I learned on the anniversary of Lance's death this year, which I thought was lovely. :) She is an agent with the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation and is a forensic chemist. She's probably one of the coolest, most unique young women I've ever met, always secure in the knowledge of who she is and who she's not. She has never followed fad or fashion, and has always been delightful. Her wedding two years ago was beautiful and perfect, and I'm sure she and her husband will be exceptional parents. I can't wait to be a Great Aunt (though I would say I'm already a great aunt! Hahahaha!).

The best part of this visit was seeing so many friends and having such a wonderful time with them. Though it may not seem like it to those who know me, I do get shy when I think of being with people I think a lot of. I do worry that I'm not valued by them, or especially in the case of those who live in my old hometowns, that I'm forgotten (out of sight, out of mind). But this weekend did a lot to dispel those fears, and I truly hope I've grown enough that I will not experience that kind of distress in the future. I believe my friends who say they will visit me here at my home, and I look forward to entertaining them and showing them my surroundings and adopted city.

On a different note, I spoke with my mother and baby sister today -- it appears as though sister is leaving her hubby AGAIN. She spoke with me for a long time, talking about his newest refusal to go to counseling, saying they don't need it. His reasoning for his not needing to attend sessions was that there were important things they could be doing at home, like studying for something related to his job. I asked sister if he ever does that -- she said no. He begged her not to leave, not to take the kids away from him, etc. He claims he'll do anything to keep her, he'll change, etc. I asked her why she would believe this when he's showing clearly already that he's not willing to even go to counseling, or Al-Anon again, while she's right there? She said their counselor asked him to read "Codependent No More", and he got through half of it, saying he wasn't co-dependent and didn't need to read any more. At the second session, the counselor kept confronting him about co-dependency issues. He would respond with other issues, and the counselor would stop him and try to redirect him to the issue at hand, but he would continue to try to distract. This is very typical behavior for him and I reminded her of other examples of this in previous incidents. She agreed, but obviously has some conflicting feelings regarding this latest breakup. I pointed out, too, that she has to have left him at least 100 times, including before they were married, and she did admit that that was true. So, it looks as though we'll be having some company here this week, and that's fine with me.

It's so good to have better boundaries! Knowing the difference between ME and NOT ME is crucial to self-preservation, especially in my case. I spoke with my therapist about that today. I also told my sister that she needs to realize that SHE did not cause my recent illness, though the experience I had with her husband did have a catalyzing effect. I assured her that I love her, and I am very proud of her willingness to go to daily AA meetings, to have a sponsor, to do this very difficult personal inventory and to try to figure out the best way to live her life, for herself and her children. There's nothing I would like more than to see her healthy and whole. I'm hoping that this is the turning point for her, and I will continue to keep that thought in my prayers.

So, it's been a great week or so, and I'm looking forward to good times ahead as well. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow, and will find out what I need to do about continued pain which doesn't seem to be completely resolved by PT and Neurontin. I suspect my new PCP will order more physical therapy, which is fine with me. It does help, but I just don't think I've had enough of it. Still, I can tell there's been progress, and that means a lot.

Until next time...progress, not perfection is my mantra. :)

Love and peace,
WIP

God help us

2006-05-07T12:46:00.000-06:00

Folks, very few things really stun me these days, but I have just been stunned. I just read on (my now new favorite blog) http://Jesuswasaliberal.blogspot.com (thanks Rick!) that the folks, Tim LaHaye & Jerry Jenkins, behind the "Left Behind" series of books, are allowing and I guess cooperating with a video game being made called LEFT BEHIND: Eternal Forces. I am quoting from the website itself:

Game description

Wage a war of apocalyptic proportions in LEFT BEHIND: Eternal Forces - a real-time strategy game based upon the best-selling LEFT BEHIND book series created by Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins. Join the ultimate fight of Good against Evil, commanding Tribulation Forces or the Global Community Peacekeepers, and uncover the truth about the worldwide disappearances!

Â· Lead the Tribulation Force from the book series , includingRayfordd, Chloe, Buck and Bruce against Nicolae Carpathia Â the AntiChrist.

Â· Conduct physical & spiritual warfare : using the power of prayer to strengthen your troops in combat and wield modern military weaponry throughout the game world.

Â· Recover ancient scriptures and witness spectacular Angelic and Demonic activity as a direct consequence of your choices.

Â· Command your forces through intense battles across a breathtaking, authentic depiction of New York City .

Â· Control more than 30 units types - from Prayer Warrior and Hellraiser to Spies, Special Forces and Battle Tanks!

Â· Enjoy a robust single player experience across dozens of New York City maps in Story Mode Â fighting in China Town , SoHo , Uptown and more!

Â· Play multiplayer games as Tribulation Force or the AntiChrist's Global Community Peacekeepers with up to eight players via LAN or over the internet!

http://www.leftbehindgames.com/the_games.htm

The emphasis above was mine. On the Left Behind website, there is this statement:

Critics who have raised questions about violence in Left Behind: Eternal Forces have neither seen nor previewed the game as it is still under development. Based upon the bestselling Left BehindÂ® novels, the period in which the game is set is a chaotic and dangerous time where the Tribulation Force is recruiting new members and defending itself against the Antichrist's Global Community Forces. The game is designed to be a classic battle between good and evil, but does not gratuitously depict violence or death.

Left Behind Games, Inc. shares concern over the types of entertainment offered to families. As such it is putting forth every effort to create a quality and engaging game with a high standard of decency and content. As stated by Left Behind Games CEO Troy Lyndon, "Left Behind: Eternal Forces is a little more violent that an animated chess game."

http://leftbehind.com/channelnews.asp?pageid=1285&channelID=17

On the LeftBehindGames.com site, part of the interview with the magazine GameDAILYBiz says:

BIZ: At a time when video games are often cast in a bad light in the mainstream press because of violent or sexual content in some titles, do you feel that Christian games are sorely needed to emphasize more wholesome values among today's youth?

TL: Left Behind Games was established on the belief that given the choice, people will voluntarily choose games with positive moral elements. We just need to make sure the Christian games are as fun to play as other games. Only one of the top twenty grossing movies of all time was rated R, and that movie was The Passion of the Christ.

It is my opinion that Christian games can only make a positive difference in our culture if they portray the Jesus of the Bible; a caring loving person who didn't come to condemn, but to save. This message will reach our youth...and the best way we can show the youth we care, is by spelling love as TIME. As parents, we need to be connected with our kids and video games provide a great opportunity for us to do this on a regular basis.

http://www.leftbehindgames.com/archive/GameDailyNEW.htm

Please, please PLEASE tell me those of you who read this blog are as outraged, shocked, horrified, and angry as I am??? Please tell me that you see the craziness of these statements and understand that THIS is why our country is in the mess it's in in Iraq and in our own country? Please tell me there's a way out of this, and that those of us with the ability to think rationally and logically will be able to make our voices heard, and ACTUALLY make our voices heard???

Had I not read these things for myself I would not have believed them, but something is VERY VERY WRONG in our country and in so-called mainstream Christianity when it is acceptable, and desirable, to have a video game, supposedly portraying what JESUS would WANT us to do, which includes KILLING PEOPLE, ever!

Oh please please please let their be a light at the end of this particular tunnel.

I don't know what else to say here.

With that, I close and say PEACE, to ALL.

WIP

Virtual friends and connections

2006-05-05T06:48:00.000-06:00

People are frequently surprised to learn how many people I consider close friends whom I've only 'met' online. I guess I'd be surprised, too, if I'd not spent the last 10 years of my life working online in some capacity. Though I don't have a paid online job at the moment, I continue a volunteer position I've held for many years, sending out subscription notices to parents of children who subscribe to a particular newsletter. This is to comply with the COPPA (Children's Online Protection and Privacy Act) laws, keeping parents informed when their kids ask for mail to be sent to them from a particular site aimed at kids.

I began my online life in 1996 on AOL, like a lot of people start out with. I learned, through avid exploration, that there were these things called 'chats' and that the chats that occurred in sponsored areas had 'chat hosts'. I very much wanted to be a chat host, though I learned that most were unpaid volunteers. I still thought this was pretty nifty, and figured that, if the Internet was the wave of the future, then learning the ins and outs of chat hosting might be a surfboard upon which I could ride that wave. I was right.

After a few months of volunteering as a host, I was hired to be a Chat Coordinator, which meant I got paid a miniscule amount of money to coordinate with up to 40 volunteer hosts to staff chat rooms. While this was no easy gig, I did learn alot, and made a lot of friends in the process. At that time, kids over the age of 13 were allowed to be hosts, so I made a lot of teenage, as well as adult friends. Ten years later, those kids are adults, graduating from college, going on to grad school, most of them, and I still know and am in contact with a half dozen of them or so. I hear from others out of the blue from time to time, but the six or so that I talk with frequently feel like my own kids.

There are adults, too, that I keep in touch with, and they are among those I count among my closest friends. We've been through a lot together -- births and deaths, divorces and marriages, health and illness, despair and happiness. And I am definitely the better for it.

Today I have this blog, which allows me to blabber unfettered to whomever might come across this tiny little corner of the Internet. I still have many virtual friends, but be assured that I also have a lot of "real life" friends, too. Some of my virtual friends have become real life friends, and some I hope will become that in the future.

Whether a friend is someone I see in person or just check in with online, each friend is equally real to me, and their presence or lack thereof matters greatly to me. I am so grateful to have been given that opportunity 10 years ago to learn to make connections without boundaries. I can't imagine my life without my "virtual" friends.

Cheers,
WIP

Perceptions of Reality

2006-05-04T09:39:00.000-06:00

It surprises me each time I'm confronted with the fact that people's perceptions of reality can differ greatly. It makes me wonder, sometimes, if I ever have a firm grip on it myself. If reality can vary from person to person, based on their own perceptions and filters, is there ever any one reality at all?

For my youngest sister and my husband's daughter, their realities are vastly different from those of the rest of their families. For them, those of us who report our observations that don't jibe with how they see their lives are their enemies, to be repelled and forced away. This shouldn't bother me as much as it does, but it makes me less likely or able to reach out to other, "safe" people, for fear that my perception of others may be off after all.

I just watched a documentary called "The Grey Gardens", about Jacqueline Kennedy's aunt and cousin, who were apparently quite eccentric and lived in a very different manner than you'd expect Bouvier's to live. Their reality was quite different from most of the rest of the world. But was it wrong, or was it just different? That's hard to know. It's easy to call them crazy, but they did have choices, and they had the monetary resources to do things differently, yet they chose not to. Is this crazy, or just a choice?

You may be able to deduce that my mood today is not one of the more festive ones I've had lately. There are several reasons for this, I think. One, the incident with my husband's daughter has been very hurtful, both to me and to him. Two, my sister's crap is still going on, and I worry that her ex will discover or come to realize that she plans to leave him AGAIN at the end of the month, when school is out. If he discovers that, I'm concerned that there is a good possibility he will do something to interfere, and maybe hurt her and/or my mom. Three, we are facing several financial challenges in the next little while, which are impacted by my current unemployment. I feel very guilty about not working -- I've had a job since I was 15 years old, and I'm not used to not being the main breadwinner, frankly. I am beginning to question whether my "inability" to work right now is real or valid, or if it's just me being lazy. I worry that I'm just whining, that nothing's really wrong with me, that it's all in my head, that I'm draining my husband financially and emotionally, that I'm crazy...you name it. Today is not a good day, people.

I feel tender inside, bruised. This is more emotional than physical, though it's a little bit physical.
I don't do rejection well. I take it personally, even when it's not. I know there are plenty of folks who care for me and think I'm pretty happenin', but when someone who is supposed to be important in my life doesn't care for me, I have trouble with that. And when I feel like I'm letting down people I love, I have trouble with that. Basically, I guess I just have trouble, huh?

So with that, I'll close, and see what's happening on "Judging Amy". Maybe I'll gain some kind of wisdom from Maxine. If not, maybe I'll knit, and at least do something productive.

WIP

It's been a day.

2006-05-03T16:14:00.000-06:00

I know I've posted twice today, but I feel the need for one more. That last one, by the way, was published in my church's newsletter this week, in place of the minister's normal 'musings'. She asked if I'd let her do that, as she had to be away at a conference during the time she normally writes her message. I was so flattered and pleased that she'd be willing to let me speak in her place -- naturally I said yes. I've gotten several very kind responses to that article, and hope that I can edit it enough to send to local newspapers, etc. as an op-ed piece. I'm proud of what I wrote and what I stand for. I hope I can be an instrument of peace in causing people to think more clearly about the issue of social justice.

But the reason I wanted to write again is a feeling of loneliness. I know I isolate myself, especially lately, with all of this medical stuff I've had to have done. I don't like to complain about my own problems or my own needs, which makes it hard for people to respond to them. I tend to ask more questions than I answer. I don't let people know how much I need them, though I always try to let people know what their friendships mean to me. And I definitely know that people's lives get busy, and they don't have time for friends, maybe especially those who are mostly online friends.

Don't get me wrong -- I have plenty of real life friends -- have talked to at least 4 today by phone. I've been invited to lunch, to hear music, to play bingo, etc. But none of those things actually touched the place in my heart and soul that's aching to be soothed. I can't even name what it is, but it's there.

Being in physical and psychological pain really bites. I am managing the pain better with Neurontin, and I started taking Metformin, too. I don't know if the combination of those things makes it more likely that I'll feel "tender". I wonder if I'm just defective sometimes, and then I'm sure that I must be.

This weekend I will have company -- 2 friends that I love very much and look forward to seeing. I know they are both very concerned about me, and I hate that, honestly. I know they'll want to please me and to be sure that things go the way I want them to, but I hate that I can cause that much concern for my feelings. It makes me feel manipulative, which is something I really hate.

Some friends are having a hard time this week, and apparently I can't help them, which is also frustrating and leaves me feeling lonesome. I have a hard time reaching out to people at times, especially to those who mean the most to me, and that just makes it worse. I can't tell them how much their absence means to me, because I don't want to sound so dependent. I don't think I am, but I am afraid I'll sound that way, and run them off.

I'm really a case sometimes, aren't I? Oh, and then there's that fight with my husband's daughter. Here's the basic story: he called her last week at a time when she said she couldn't talk, and then she got mad at him "because he kept on talking". She wrote him an email, saying she couldn't call him because her voice would be so loud she'd wake the kids up, due to her anger. She called him selfish and rude and said a few other things, and that just did it for me. I wrote her myself, telling her it was the pot calling the kettle black, and that she needed to grow up. I told her not to answer the phone if she couldn't talk, for heaven's sake, and that she owed her dad an apology, among other things. She wrote back to me about not having the luxury of being able to be depressed (!!!!!), which, for me, totally tears it.

So, now I'm waiting on Hubby to get home, in his depressed mood, wanting me to help perk him up. I hope I can do that, but who's going to perk me up? At least tomorrow I have another full day to myself, and I may just not answer the phone even. I find it hard to make small talk when my heart feels so pained. It's so much easier to talk in IMs than on the phone, most of the time.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind at the moment. Wish me luck, if you believe in such things. I really hate feeling this way.

WIP

Come Out of the Closet, Straight People

2006-05-03T15:42:00.000-06:00

I don’t remember the day I chose to be straight. But I do remember my first gay friend, though he was closeted at the time. He was a boy I with whom I attended high school, and he sang in the special choir, because he had such a beautiful voice. We dated, but there was never any kind of physical attraction, though I do believe we attempted a kiss or two. However, it just didn’t work the way it was “supposed to”.

My parents LOVED this young man. They thought he was a wonderful person for me to date. I realize now that, even though I didn’t realize his “lifestyle choice” at the time, they sure did, which was why he was suitable to date their daughter. Funny how some things, or people, are acceptable when they serve someone’s particular purpose.

When I was 16 years old, my father died after a long illness. This young man sent flowers to ME, to my house – not to my family and not to the funeral, but to me, in support. He also escorted me to the funeral, which I desperately needed. Because he’d already graduated, we didn’t see much of each other after that, until one night a few years later, friends took me to a gay bar for the first time. We went in a group, and stayed closely together, so no one would mistake us as “regular” customers.

But there on the dance floor, I saw my friend, dancing with another man. When he saw me, his face lit up! He seemed so thrilled to see me – I was quite shocked to see him . Naïve thing that I was, I didn’t realize he was gay. But even then, knowing that he must be, based on what I witnessed, it didn’t change the fact that he was my dear friend who stood by me during some of the worst times of my then-young life.

Fast forward about 20 years. My then-husband died of a massive heart attack on March 27, 1999 in my living room, in my arms. The first people I called after the paramedics arrived were his brother, and his friend from work, a gay man and his partner. The gay couple drove straight to my house and followed us in the ambulance to the hospital. They, along with my husband’s brother and sister-in-law, waited with us in the family room, crying silently, sending me good vibes across the space of that tiny room. We all knew my husband was dead – we were just waiting for the official news. When it came, my husband’s gay coworker wept openly, as did we all.

Two days later, at the visitation, I was paid visits by several other gay people, including some of his coworkers. I was also visited by a lesbian couple – one of which was my best friend for the last 10 years who was taking her exams in her 3^rd year of medical school. Her partner was undergoing chemotherapy for ovarian cancer. And the lived in Little Rock, AR. We lived in Memphis, TN. Weeks later, one of the gay friends called to ask if he “could just do SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Put gas in the car!”

And now, after having joined this Unitarian Universalist congregation, and being allowed to serve as the Vice Chair of the GLBT+Friends committee, I have the opportunity to give something back. That something is my unequivocal support. The common thread among these friends, other than what may be seen as the obvious one of sexual orientation, is actually the lengths to which these people were willing to go for me. Even though it was inconvenient, even though it was not fun, they were there for me in the most difficult times of my life.

In November, we in Tennessee have the opportunity to vote on whether or not we want our state constitution amended to declare that marriage can only be between one man and one woman. I intend to vote against this amendment. I am a straight supporter of the GLBT community and believe that they are entitled to the same civil rights as I have. I realize that I will catch some flak from those with closed minds and cold hearts, but how can I say it’s not worth it in light of all the love and support I’ve received?

I’m asking you to examine your hearts and ask yourselves which side of this fight you wish to support. One hundred years ago, I, as a woman, would not have been allowed to vote. It took men standing along with women to obtain that right for us. White people of conscience eventually helped turn the tide in the battle for full civil rights for African Americans. And so in this fight, it’s time for heterosexuals to come out of the closet and openly support their GLBT brothers and sisters. Imagine the beloved community we can create if we all stand together on the side of love.

WIP

Unexpected side-effects from Blogging

2006-05-03T07:46:00.000-06:00

I started blogging a few months ago, after reading FatDoctor's blog. I found her through a plus-size person newsletter I receive, FatTuesday. I had no idea that a doctor, who happened to be overweight, would or could be so candid about her life, both professional and private. Because much of my life has been spent working with/for physicians and other healthcare practitioners, I suppose I was more moved by her than I would have been by anyone else. Thanks to her, I have found quite a few unexpected benefits, including, I think, health benefits, from this activity.

First, I have been able to get some things out of my head that need to be out of my head. I've been able to tell the blogosphere about the nightmares that frequently torment me.
Second, I've connected with other people, from all over the world,
who reassure me that I am not alone.This is an amazingly comforting notion.

Third, that reassurance confirms for me that we all do live in an
interdependent web of existance,which is one of the principles that we Unitarian Universalists live by. Though I've always believed this on some level, I've found that connecting with virtual strangers is a very gratifying confirmation that people are pretty much the same, no matter where they are or what they're raised or come to believe.

And finally, I have found that people really care. If you don't believe me, read the comments on FatDoctor's last two posts. You'll quickly realize that, even without face-to-face contact, people do come to care for each other in the blogosphere (I hate that word, but it fits here) and there is nothing virutal about it.

Peace,
WIP

Rainy Tuesday

2006-05-02T13:06:00.000-06:00

It's a yucky day outside. Lots of thunder, rain, cold -- just yucky.

This morning I had physical therapy, which I usually kind of look forward to, but today I just felt too bad to "enjoy" it. Headache, muscle pains in my arms, etc. -- the PT helped some, but not completely. I still wonder what's going to happen in terms of dealing with my arm pain. That has not been relieved at all, and it seems that my lower back pain is more frequent than I even realized. I've lived with things like this for so long that I guess I don't even notice them. The Physical Therapist even gasped when he touched the part of my back that I believe is where the sciatic nerve is, because it was so tight and out of line. When he pressed on it, I thought I would levitate off that table. However, I do know I have to let him do what needs to be done or I won't have any chance of getting better.

Yesterday I had an MRI of my lumbar spine and an Echocardiogram. The MRI was for the lower back pain; the Echo was for a condition I have called Left Ventricular Hypertrophy, which is enlargement of the left ventricle of the heart, and Mitral Valve Prolapse. I have to have those every now and then, and, so far, I haven't had a call from the doctor yet, so I'm assuming no news is good news.

I'm tired, too. Rainy weather doesn't help, of course. I want to take a nap, but then I don't want to mess up my sleep tonight. However, I don't have to get up at any particular time in the morning, so maybe I will after all.

About my sister...apparently, she's going to her day treatment program as she's supposed to, and attending AA meetings daily, which is great. However, her ex is still up to his same tricks. Trying to say she should be able to drink a beer or two like he does, hovering over her and my mom all the time. Sister is kicking herself for not staying gone last time and plans to leave again when school is out. I'm concerned that he will catch on to this plan, and do something bad to her and/or to my mom. He's crazy enough, and certainly mean enough. How do I ever divorce myself from this situation, I wonder? There's no way to not hear about my sister as long as I have a relationship with the rest of my family, and I want/need to have a relationship with the rest of my family.

Also, hubby's daughter is being a big, huge bitch herself, and has a similar situation with her idiot husband. What's up with drunks, anyway? And why do they just have to fuck up the lives of everyone around them? I hate people.

WIP

Honesty....is hardly ever heard...

2006-04-29T21:12:00.000-06:00

OK -- here goes some downright honesty -- I'm scared.

Lately, meaning the last six months, I've been having some health problems -- muscle pains that have no real explanation and that don't seem to go away. I had a spinal x-ray taken, showing a bone spur at the 6th cervical vertebra, which is the one that is where the shoulders and neck connect, and also showing arthritis there. I was given a muscle relaxer and anti-inflammatory/pain med, but they didn't help. Physical therapy was ordered, and though it does some good, it doesn't cover it all. The pain is not just in my neck/shoulders -- it's in my arms, legs, hips, etc. Not joint pain, but muscle pain.

Friday I saw a new doctor -- an osteopath who is also in Internal Medicine. She agreed with me that there seemed to be more going on here than would be explained by a bone spur/arthritis in my neck. She's ordered an MRI of my lower back for Monday, as well as an echocardiogram for my Left Ventricular Hypertrophy. She also ordered a bunch of lab tests, enough that at least 6 vials of blood were drawn -- no clue what all for. She did mention the possibility of a condition called Polymyalgia Rheumatica, which rarely affects people under 50, but seems to encompass many of the problems I'm having. I also asked her if Muscular Dystrophy or Multiple Sclerosis were possible, and she said yes, they were possible, as well as some other things.

It's very difficult to deal with the uncertainty I'm dealing with at present. I've had the feeling for a while that something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. I've attributed my pain(s) to being overweight, out of shape, sleeping on my arms wrong, etc. I've tried to let it just pass, to take OTC meds for it, and to see my doctor. My old doctor's office has cut their hours recently, and had a hard time following up with me, not to mention not being willing to discuss my getting off some of the many meds. The answer was, last time I asked, "not unless you lose weight".

Well, here's the deal -- with the PCOS, it's difficult, if not damned impossible, to lose weight. The new doc did put me on Metformin (Glucophage) Friday, which should definitely help with weight loss. What's sad, though, is that NOW they can treat PCOS so that girls who have it can have the hope of pregnancy and weight loss, not to mention reduction of the effects of the increased testosterone that is common with this condition. Now I'm 43, too old to safely have children anyway, and married to someone who is surgically sterilized. It sucks to be able to be treated now, but all for basically nothing. Weight loss would be cool, but I'm also married to a man who is comfortable and actually interested in women with some meat on their bones, so again, this is basically for nothing -- well, nothing other than my health. I know that won't make sense to some of you, but you'll just have to take my word for it.

So, now the wait is on, the wait for answers. My very wise friend R told me not to waste my energy on worrying and negative thoughts -- that negative thoughts tend to attract negative things, and I know she's right. She said to remember my own spirituality, which I'm trying to do. I'm glad I listen to guided meditations at night when I go to sleep -- I really need them right now.

My biggest fear is becoming or being disabled, having my body betray me and make my mind a prisoner inside a worthless body. It's bad enough that I haven't been able to work for 6 months, which has had an impact on our income, obviously, and on Hubby's sense of financial well-being. Thinking of potentially not being able to go back to work at all makes me feel bad, and makes me feel scared and worried. I don't want to burden him with another sick wife. He's been through enough.

I guess the bottom line is I must wait for the answers that will eventually come. I realize that whatever is going on with me is probably precipitated or exacerbated by the stress I've been under for much too long. This is stress, too, but I just have to wait it out. Folks, if you're the praying kind, pray for my peace. I really need all the help I can get with this for now.

Thanks,
WIP

Randomosity <---new word I just made up

2006-04-27T20:18:00.000-06:00

Well, I have no clue what this post is going to be about -- hence, the name. Hang on, peeps. It might be a bumpy ride.

Today I took Hubby for his 3 year colonoscopy, which is thought to be normal, though a polyp or two was found. He was told he didn't need another one for 5 years, which is excellent news. He was sooooooooooo cute lying there in the bed all doped up after the procedure. lol Couldn't focus his beautiful blue-green eyes, mumbled his words, couldn't remember things he said or heard just seconds before, bless his heart. I kept kissing his forehead and petting on him because I was so relieved this was over for him. He was nervous yesterday, and the day before, hating the prep he had to endure. He doesn't get nervous often, so I really hate it for him when he has to go through stuff like that. Even so, all's well that ends well. We went out for a little breakfast after the procedure, then came home for a little nap for us both. When we awoke, we went out on the porch and enjoyed the beauty of nature for a while. After that, well, that's private, but now he's snoozing in and out on the sofa as I write this.

Tomorrow I go to physical therapy, then to the new doc. I have a ton of paperwork to fill out here for that visit, but I'm glad to take care of it in advance. I have great hopes for this woman, and I hope I won't be disappointed. I also need to look up the drug called Byatta (sp?), which my psychiatrist is recommending to help me with PCOS & losing weight. I've never heard of it, but then again, I'm not in the medical profession. She said I could lose a pound a day if I used that -- can you imagine? 30 lbs in 30 days? I find that hard to conceive, but I'm willing to check it out if someone monitors me.

Finished with the film festival yesterday -- really enjoyed that. Met a lot of nice people, and had a kind of job offer from the ticketing software company. Not bad, huh? Also, the volunteer coorindator was interested in getting me back in a staff position, which also wouldn't be too bad, I don't think. This is a non-profit org, and I've had plenty of experience with those, so I think I would fit in pretty well. But the ticketing software sounds really interesting, too. Travel could be involved with that, not to mention getting to attend cool events. I guess I'll just send my resume and see what happens.

I'm going to Memphis in a couple of weeks, I believe. I think I'll get there maybe on a Tuesday, and Hubby will join me on Friday night. We have several friends to see, so I'm looking forward to catching up with folks.

Umm...let's see -- tomorrow night we're going out to hear one of our favorite singers and friends -- Melissa Sigler. FABULOUS blues lady -- terrific persona, and wonderful, dear friend. Check her out and buy her CDs -- you won't be sorry! Saturday night we're going out with a very dear couple friend of ours to hear another group of friends from our church play a benefit for a local organization. Looking forward to this double date, as it may be our last together for a while. R and D got married on New Year's Eve, and are going to live in upstate New York, where they're both from. She's going to use our address as a local one, and will stay here when she comes to town. She's a songwriter and hellaciously good bass player and singer -- she just pitched songs to Wynonna and Gretchen Wilson. Her hubby D is a wonderful man, and someone she's known her whole life. Somehow they never got together until this time last year, and the rest, as they say, is history. I'm so happy for them both, but I'm really going to miss her. Sunday, of course, is church.

Did I tell y'all I volunteered to teach what we call RE (religious education) on every other Sunday in the fall, with the preschool to 2nd grade kids? Well I did, and I'm looking forward to it. I've enjoyed subbing in that class, and really enjoy the other teacher I'll be co-teaching with. In our church we never have just 1 adult work with kids -- we have a 'safe sanctuary' policy, and I'm really glad for that. These days you can't be too careful.

We are putting together an event in August to train others how to get out the vote in November to defeat the marriage amendment on the ballot which will state that marriage = one man + one woman, only. This is discriminatory, and should not even be entertained. It's a matter of CIVIL RIGHTS not RELIGIOUS RITES. If GLBT folks were allowed to marry, churches would not be required to perform ceremonies if it went against their beliefs, just like now. They stand to lose nothing at all. Let's face it, marriage does make a couple more stable, so allowing people to marry will shore up the underpinnings of our society. Not only that, but 1138 civil rights flow from the state of marriage, and it's not fair that any consenting adults is deprived of those rights. We're having a senior staff attorney from Lambda Legal speaking, along with perhaps a lobbyist, and others who have good experience in these kinds of fights. We also *hope* to have Nashville In Harmony perform for us. We had them at our stewardship dinner Saturday night and they were amazing! I wrote to the director today, and even asked about joining them. I love to sing and I love that cause, so that may be a good direction for me to go in.

Not sure what's going on with my sister. I hear the ex-husband is still insisting she should be able to drink a beer or two and stop, but sister is going to day treament and AA anyway. Not sure at all how this is going to play out. Brother called sister the other day to tell her that if ex-hubby tries to give her beer or whatever, that's a direct attack on her, he dosn't love her, and is trying to harm her. He told her he took that as a direct attack on our entire family, as we all pay for this crap. I'm really proud of him. :)

That's about it for me tonight. This Neurontin makes me really sleepy, which is good, but trying to type with crossing eyes is not so easy. Forgive any typos -- they're chemically induced!

Shalom,
WIP

Tomorrow, tomorrow...

2006-04-26T11:16:00.000-06:00

This last week or two has been very hectic, and some of you lovely people have written to check on me, and I can't begin to say how much that has meant to me. :)

So, in an effort to allay any unneccessary concerns, let me update you a little on what's going on.

First, I'm in physical therapy 3 times a week for pain. I was diagnosed recently with Fibromyalgia and a bone spur at C-6, and I have arthritis in the neck joint. PT is both joy and horror -- it hurts like hell while it's going on, I feel like I've been beaten from the inside out when I'm done, but at times it really does relieve some pain I've had for years. Additionally, I'm seeing a new doc on Friday, since my old one was having some, let's say, "difficulty" in being able to see me in a timely manner, follow up on tests, etc. So, he's been fired, and yes, there has been a letter written giving the cause. He chose to be defensive rather than to redress the issues, so to another doc I go. Also, my psychiatrist has taken a more aggressive role in helping me deal with this pain situation. She changed one of my meds from Trazodone (for sleep) to Neurontin, which helps with sleep and pain both. I have had shingles in the past, and this drug does treat the pain associated with it, so maybe that's related to the other pains I've been having. She's also hand-written a note for me to carry to my new doc, outling what we've done, and what she hopes new doc will do for me. That really impressed and touched me -- how many docs take the time to do that for their patients?

My other big time sucker-upper has been volunteering at the Nashville Film Festival, which ends today. I will go this afternoon and finish my little duties. There was talk of them actually hiring me in the future to work with the volunteer coordinator! That might be cool, but we'll see. I'm not ready for full time, or maybe even part time, work, physically or emotionally, just yet, but I'm hopeful for the future.

Tomorrow Hubby has a routine medical procedure in the morning, so I should have some time to blog in the afternoon. From there I'll update whatever all is going on.

Thank you, sweet people, for participating in my life. You *really* do make a positive difference.

Shalom,
WIP

Shoah/Darfur

2006-04-24T19:58:00.000-06:00

Yesterday our church was rembering the Shoah -- that's the Jewish word for the Holocaust. Needless to say, not a comforting or uplifting sermon. One of the points made was that there is currently a genocide occuring in Darfur, Sudan. Women and children are being raped, brutalized, killed...men are not faring much better.

We claim to be a "Christian nation". We claim to have Judeo-Christian roots. If that's so, then why are we not stepping in to this particular horror to stop it? We KNOW that the Holocaust happened, much as, in its very grand scope, we don't want to comprehend it. How can we stand idly by while 400,000 innocent people have been killed?

I for one will not stand by silently. I went to http://savedarfur.org/ and filled out the "postcard" to President Bush, asking him to support the liberation of the people of Sudan. This genocide is very similar to what has been going on in Rwanda, where we also stood by without doing much to help.

If you read my blog, I ask you, as sincerely and passionately as I know how, to support the savedarfur.org website. It will only take a minute or less to fill out the form. You will be asked to spread the word -- I did, and I hope you will.

I'm not much for "causes", but this is the destruction of a people, an ethnic cleansing. On my personal email signature, I have the following quote:

*First they came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Communist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up, because I wasn’t a Jew.
Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up, because I was a Protestant.
Then they came for me, and by that time there was no one left to speak up for me.

by Rev. Martin Niemoller, 1945

Please take this to heart, and do what you can for the people who so desperately need our support.

Thank you, and peace to you,
WIP

Props to FatDoctor -- my word cloud

2006-04-24T19:52:00.000-06:00

You can get yours here: http://www.snapshirts.com/custom.php. I'm thinking about actually getting one of these shirts -- they do look pretty cool.

Peace, y'all,
WIP

Haunted, terrifying dream -- An American Haunting in my dreams

2006-04-22T04:59:00.000-06:00

Gotta get this out of my system, ASAP.

Let me preface by saying I was able to see "An American Haunting" at the Nashville Film Festival opening night, which was April 20. This is a film about the Bell Witch, which is the only seriously documented haunting in American history. There are plenty of websites about this event and this film if you're interested in more info, as well as quite a few books.

About the movie: it scared the shit out of me. It was not bloody or gory -- just plain Hitchcock-type petrifying. I have to say it was an excellent movie, but I also have to say that, even hours after the film was over, my heart was still pounding. My hubby and I once tried to visit the house and cave which are part of the story, but got kind of pissed off at the guy selling thickest to it. We tried to ask a couple of questions - his response was always "buy the tickets if you want to know". We'd planned to buy the tickets anyway -- just wanted more clarification as to what we were actually buying.

Members of the Bell family were present at this screening, and said they thought it was very well done, despite the very difficult subject matter. They felt it was handled very well, and appreciated what the filmmaker (Courtney Solomon) did to research the facts. This said volumes to me..>

This dream begins with some sort of party I'm having somewhere, not in my own house, but in something like a traditional church building. I have lied to my parents about someone's death (feels like it was my husband Lance's death, but he had nothing to do with this dream -- I'm just saying that's what it felt like), and am in the midst of a party. My parents and brother show up, though, very concerned and sad and wanting to help me out. My parents give me checks to help me with expenses, and I make some excuse to get them to go to their hotel room, so I can have time to figure out what to do about this giant, horrible lie I've told.

I talk with my friends and decide to tell them I gave "whoever" their checks, and they all tore them up, doing THEM a favor. My parents were so relieved when I told them, as they really didn't have this money to give. I assure them somehow, after being "appropriately" sad and in mourning that they can go home, that I'm going to be fine with my friends.

One of the friends is either a gay man or someone whom I've only thought of as a friend. I go with him to his house to do something, and as we spend time together, it's obvious that he's realizing that he loves me, and I also realize that I love him. We begin to have an intimate, beautiful physical experience, but in the midst or afterwards, we learn that someone we both loved has died. The other friends of this friend of ours are having a wake/memorial service for her, but she is either a pagan or a witch. We dress in costume or dress appropriately to fit in with this crowd, and walk down the street to the site of the gathering.

All kinds of people pass us on the way -- some driving souped up cars, some on motorcycles, some flying through the air as you've been shown on TV shows or in films that witches are able to do. We get to the home where the gathering is, and my new love is just so very sad. I ache for him. People are all milling about, in various stages of grief, and there is a room containing her things that she's left to people, or that she wants people to pick out for themselves. I look for a particular pair of shoes of hers that I liked very much, but could not find them. Others were making selections or finding things particularly set aside for them. I was disappointed nothing was particularly set aside for me. Another item in this room is a box with her ashes, which we're all supposed to take a little bit of to spread wherever we wish -- she wanted us all to do this in order to spread her spirit as far and wide as possible. I couldn't do this, however, because I can't face a box of ashes that used to be a person's body. (Side note: I do have to spread Lance's ashes at a particular place that is far from me, eventually. It's hard to get to where this place is, and I've always wondered how I will react when I actually see what's inside the container of his remains.)

There is some kind of black animal there -- something like a cross between a cat, a porcupine, and a badger. When it got near me, it began to growl, which it has not done to the other guests. This is not a good sign usually, the people say, but they can't understand why it would react that way to me. In a flash it's attacking my face, clawing at my eye or maybe biting. They pull it off and I am very very afraid.

My lover and I leave this party, and the next thing I realize is that something dark and cloud-like is flying down the road toward us and consumes both my lover and me in fire and pain. We die. But I "wake up" as me in different place and time -- one time it was downtown San Francisco in the early 1900s, one time it was on an old wooden ship, one time it was in a current-day empty warehouse, one time with was with my real life friend Karen in a mall. Each time I would somehow encounter my lover, in a different body, but always the same spirit/soul, just like me. We knew each other by our souls, and our love would grow. But each time, someone would take on the role of the demon thing, and betray, then consume us.

Eventually, there was a knight in black armor, on a black horse, with black hair and beard, with a black crossbow that would show up and shoot the demon at the last minute, sparing my lover and me. We were so relieved and grateful for this, and each time we tried to move on to a different place, to escape the remnants of the demon. But each time we moved, we discovered that the demon would deceive us and part of it, even a miniscule part of it, would hide in something we had with us -- a box, a person, a door -- and we'd be imperiled again. The black knight saved us several times. The last time was driving up the curvy, rocky hills near my real-life home.

The last vignette of this dream is what caused me to shout No! No! No! over and over, and out loud so that my husband awakened me. For a while I couldn't even tell him what was wrong, I was so shaken. My mouth was so dry, and yet I was crying. Eventually I was convinced that I needed to write (type) this down in order to get it out of my head. Here's the last scene:

It's the mid to late 1800s, and my lover and I, thinking we're finally free of the demon. We are on our way to our new home, which is an empty log cabin on a prairie, near some woods. We enter our new home, which has a built in butler's pantry in the kitchen area, a black iron kettle hanging in the fireplace, and that's about it. We are so happy, so relieved -- we are finally free. As we embrace, someone opens the door. It's a man of about 25 or so, clearly up to no good. We see out the windows he has a couple of compatriots. They say this is their house, though it truly isn't. We try to reason with them -- they are not cooperative. They come in the house and grab me, as well as subduing my lover. They drag me outside, where they intend to rape me in front of him, then burn him alive, then me, too. Two men are holding me down, one is holding my lover, who is fighting to get away, as am I. I keep hoping the black knight will come, but so far he hasn't shown up. The one on the right is pulling my legs apart, raising my dress. The one on the left is holding me down, slavering, laughing, enjoying my terror. Someone kills the one on the right, though I can't tell who. I do realize it's not the black knight, though, and then understand that it's yet another "bad guy" who wants his turn. My lover is screaming at them to let me go, not to hurt me, etc, but they laugh and hold him back more painfully. I begin to scream and thrash about, "No! No! No! No! No!", whimpering as well.

This is when hubby woke me up. I couldn't tell him what was wrong for about 5 minutes. I was very hot & sweaty, and extremely thirsty. I went to the bathroom and cried. I came back to bed, and drank some of the water hubby had brought me, and then told him everything. He suggested I blog it, which I just did.

Now I pray this is out of my mind for good, and yes, I'm taking it to my therapist Monday. Hopefully, I'll be able to make other posts this weekend that won't be quite so awful. PLEASE wish me peace -- I surely need it.

WIP

New dreamscape -- positive change

2006-04-17T05:57:00.000-06:00

If you've been reading my blog, you probably already know that I dream a lot, in great detail, and usually have disturbing dreams. Well, I hope you're sitting down when you read this, because, at least for one night, things have changed. Here goes...

I find myself "at home", with my friend Karen, who is asleep on the couch. I am watching a very scary, gory movie on TV, and am really scared, though I don't turn the TV off. I am interrupted by the sound of my baby sister coming home from a night out with some friends of whom I don't approve. These girls are "fast", glitzy, wearing provocative clothing and being very loud. I tell her she shouldn't hang around with those girls, they're not good people.

My mom and stepdad come home, and it's the next night. They are in another part of the house, when these friends of my sister's come in the front door without knocking, dressed in glittery clothes, technically beautiful on the outside. They are hollering for my sister to come join them and are being incredibly loud, rude, and vulgar, saying suggestive sexual things. My sister is on her way out to meet them, but I tell these girls that they need to clean up their mouths and show some respect in our home, that my mother is here and it's disrespectful to talk like that in someone else's home. These girls sneer and laugh, but I continue to advance toward them, letting them know that I mean to get them out of my house. I order them to leave and never come back, and kind of trap them in an alcove/entryway so that they have no choice but to back up out the door. I close the door behind them and tell my sister, who is behind me watching that she should never, ever associate with these people again -- they're nothing but trouble and they're using her.

Mom comes in the room, asking what all the ruckus was about, but I tell her don't worry, they're gone, just some people who were a little too full of themselves -- they won't bother us again. But just as I finish saying that, a car pulls up outside our door, honking, with bright lights, people hollering -- it's these girls with some very dangerous looking young men with them. Mom gets her key to lock the door, but her hand is shaking so she can't quite get the key in the lock. I brace myself against the door as she continues to try, and then try to guide her hand as I continue to brace the door. The girls and young men are trying to open the door -- having some success. I have to brace harder and harder. They sometimes get the door open and reach in for us, laughing, jeering, enjoying our distress. But we finally get the door locked. This really angers these people and they tell us they'll be back, we're not safe.

My stepfather is now with us, and we discuss what to do. Mom & SF talk in private, though I want to be in on the conversation. They then make some phone calls -- one of which is to a police officer of some kind that attends their church. The other is to my brother and also to members of my Mom's family. People start showing up. Knowing there are "reinforcements", I go to sleep. My brother sleeps in the car outside. My friend and I sleep on the couch somehow. My Mom & SF and other relatives/friends are out on the screened in porch on the front of the house. They seem to be taking things in stride, at least more than I am.

When I wake up in the morning, I hurriedly look out into the porch area, and I see that more relatives have joined us. They are laughing, playing cards, talking, etc. My brother is still asleep in the car, and we all laugh, but goodnaturedly, because we know he'll have a stiff neck when he wakes up. Someone else shows up with a guitar, and starts to play and sing. I join in in harmony with the singer, and we make quite beautiful music. Then, realizing it's snowed during the night, and that these "bad people" are not likely to do anything in broad daylight, several of us pile into the car to go for a ride in a field where we can drive fast, spin around, and not hurt anyone. I experienced this as both thrilling and fun, but a little scary.

When we return to the house, more people are there, showing their support. I come in the door, and see, coming through the back door, my cousins, and cousins' children, more aunts and uncles. I weep with joy, because I know that these people are there out of love, not just for my Mom or my sister, but for ME. They know how upset I've been and how hard I've tried to keep my sister and my household safe, and they're there to show me that I'm not alone.

When I woke up this morning, it was with much more peace than I had at bedtime last night. For the last little while, I've been listening to some relaxation/meditation CDs as I fall asleep. My favorite is by Louise Hay. One thing she says in this CD is that what you think about before you fall asleep is able to influence your dreams. Last night I thought about support from friends and family, about a wide net of people coming together out of love. I don't think this was literally my entire family, but I do think it was my immediate family, friends, and my church. I got so much good attention yesterday while at the church that I couldn't help but be grateful for that.

Though I was sad and depressed at bedtime, when I began listening to the CD, I tried to focus on what was being suggested, and for once that I can truly document, it worked. Now I need to see if Louise Hay has email, so I can thank her. :)

Peace,
WIP

The real truth...instead of that fake truth I usually tell.

2006-04-16T17:21:00.000-06:00

That's kind of a joke between hubby & me, but it fits this post.

I realized today that, despite medication and 6 months of weekly therapy sessions, I still feel like a naive child. I still don't want to admit that anything's wrong with me, even when people notice that clearly, something is. I don't want to admit that I have all of these aches and pains in my body, and in my soul.

I wonder what I'm here for. I think of my husband, working so hard to do so much for us both -- I have trouble doing things involving lifting or bending my arms in certain (many) ways, and have join pain when walking or standing for any length of time. Some people might attribute this to my being fat, but that's not it, or at least not most of it. Something has happened to my body, quite possibly as the result of extraordinary stress throughout most of my life. I can't remember a time when I was not under stress, not even when I was "happy". Is it just me, or does that sound really screwed up? I think it does.

I have a great love for many people -- ones I know and ones I don't -- but it's hard to tell if that love is given naively. Actually, I guess I know it's given naively in some cases (maybe many), but I continue to want to err on the side of mercy, if you want to call it that. However, for that luxury, the cost is great.

I feel bad for my hubby, because he takes on so much responsibility, and I seem incapacitated in so many ways. I can't imagine that I could do enough for him to make it "even". Yes, I know, you're not supposed to keep score, but doesn't everyone in some ways? I hate to admit it, but I do. I eventually give up on people when they don't seem to be interested in my attention. Is that wrong, or smart? I don't know which at this point.

So, on the inside, I'm a frightened, blubbering child, looking for that safe haven where I know nothing bad can happen. And on the outside, I am the pragmatic adult who knows there is no such place.

WIP

Easter service, or What I Learned From 1st and 2nd Graders...

2006-04-16T16:32:00.000-06:00

Today is Easter, and I went to church, like a good girl. I was a sub in the Religious Education class for the 1st & 2nd graders, who are utterly delightful in the first place. They were very distracting in their childishness -- I say childishness here to describe a lovely quality, not a negative one found in adults. Our activity was to make nesting baskets for birds, which meant to put nesting materials (cotton balls, yarn, ribbon, paper) in baskets to be hung in trees near the children's homes so that birds could take the materials from the baskets to BUILD their OWN nests. For whatever reason, the teacher and I simply could not make these kids understand that they were not building either nests for birds or birdhouses. They just had it in their minds that this is what they were doing and there was no dissuading them. They talked about how the cotton balls would be their soft beds and the ribbons or paper could be their warm blankets, so the eggs wouldn't get cold. They also made a class basket to hang on the tree on the church grounds, a ginko tree, that belongs to this class. While out hanging up the basket, we talked about what it felt like to be outside -- the feel of the sun, the sound of the wind in the trees and grass, the birdsongs, the smell of flowers. What a beautiful way to spend a morning.

Later, my hubby and I attended the late church service. I hate to miss services just because I'm subbing in "Sunday School", which we call RE, so we either go to the early or late service, depending on when I need to sub. Today, being Easter, the sermon was about resurrection. But not "THE" resurrection -- resurrection in general. The minister told of her favorite resurrection story, written 2000 years before the birth of Jesus, in Mesopotamia. This was about the goddess Inanna, who travelled to the underworld, and all of nature died with her. She was able to return to the world only when someone took her place, 3 days later (sound familiar?), and then nature was reborn. This cycle, though, was to be repeated each half year, similar to what we know of as seasons.

The minister also talked about the necessary killing of or dying of things in order for there to be rebirth and transformation. She talked about how sometimes you have to remove certain plants, like ivy, from your yard in order to make room for the other things you want to grow. Or how removing exotic species in a wooded area can help return it to what is native to that area, or the burning of crops/trees/grasslands in order to clear them so that they can grow back healthier and more viable. She talked about how it is necessary sometimes to kill off or let die the things that hold us back. Killing off pride might be one example, and letting a relationship die when it's no longer working is another, perhaps.

Throughout this service, I could not help but weep. I'm very emotional these days anyway -- something about turning 40, I think, made that happen. I cry with joy; I cry with pain. Today my focus on the death/dying of some things focused on how my hubby's late wife's passing is having its anniversary in a week or so. Tomorrow would have been her 54th birthday. Naturally, this causes him sadness, and me, too. My spouse's death anniversary was a few weeks ago, but it's been longer for me, so there were no tears that day. Earlier, yes -- that day, no.

Beyond this, my focus was on my entire family, as we try to surround my baby sister in her current abyss. Both my brother and healthy sister have admitted that they are tired, sad, feel bewildered, and realize that when this kind of situation has occurred before with our baby sis, I've always gone to her aid, but can't now. We feel helpless, and somewhat, or maybe tremendously, hopeless for her recovery. We don't want to feel that way. My brother and I stated in unison, when talking about baby sis's embarrassment about her recent trauma, "No -- you NEVER need to be embarrassed with US. We're your FAMILY and we LOVE YOU." It was comforting to hear those same words coming out of his mouth, 600 miles away, while they were coming out of my own.

Many of my friends at the service today commented on the fact that I didn't look like I felt well, or they noticed I cried a lot during the service. I'm sure they also noticed that hubby and I both lit candles in silence, rather than writing out a reason for our joy or concern, as we call it. Several asked if we'd go out to lunch with the group that does so each week, but I explained that we needed to get home soon because we planned to plant some flowers and wanted to do that before it rained. So, off we headed to the Farmer's Market, and I, like my 1st and 2nd grade friends, lost myself in the project assigned to me -- picking out the flowers. Hubby had to do all the real work -- I just had my assignment, and I completed it, with much joy. He built the garden; I "supplied" the materials. Still, though, I think of it as "my garden", just like those kids think of the supply baskets as bird nests.

Kids are pretty smart.

WIP

Is no news REALLY good news?

2006-04-14T09:13:00.000-06:00

My mother called last night from baby sister's, but I wasn't home. The message she left on my machine was that she'd call me tomorrow. Of course, I read into this that there's news. And probably not the good kind, since she didn't leave it on the machine. Now, I wonder if I even want to pick up the phone when she calls back.

I can't imagine there will be good things happening right now. Maybe one day this incident, whatever it was, will serve to be the impetus for change and my sister's salvation. I fervently (and literally) pray it will be so, but I have to admit, I don't have a lot of faith in that.

If you're the praying kind, please keep my family in your prayers. God or whoever knows we need it.

Peace,
WIP

Chag Sameach and Joyous Pesach

2006-04-14T09:10:00.000-06:00

Folks, I had to look that up. Basically it means Happy Passover. While I'm at it, let me add Shabbat Shalom for tomorrow. Tomorrow night we're having a Passover Seder at our church, but we won't be able to attend, because hubby has a rehearsal with a singer/songwriter he performs with. And, um, I may be singing harmonies. In other words -- living my lifelong dream of being a backup singer!

I've wanted to sing for as long as I can remember -- it's the one thing in my life that I've consistenly been interested in, so I'm trying to get up the nerve to actually do it. I know I have a decent voice, and harmony seems to come naturally to me, but I'm a bit shy about singing in public. However, I'm going to try to give it a shot and see what happens.

Wish me luck!

WIP

Thoughts on my baby sister

2006-04-13T11:22:00.000-06:00

Since receiving the news about my sister's assault, very little else has been on my mind.

My first memory of her was before she was even born. I was nearly 7 years old, the oldest of 3 at that time. Understanding that Mom was growing a baby in her belly was such a surprise to me, but a delightful one, because I knew I'd get to "help" with the new baby. My brother and sister already called me Sissy, so I felt very special. When she was brought home from the hospital, I nearly burst to hold her. She was so pretty --- a thick tuft of RED hair, which was unlike any other member of my family. She had the prettiest dark blue eyes, which I did realize was common with newborns at the time, but she kept those pretty blue eyes, and they're two of her greatest assets, physical beauty-wise. I think we all fought to hold her or to play with her, but she was a Mama's girl. I have a picture of me trying to rock her and she's squirming out of my arms, as usual, to run to Mama. That used to hurt my feelings a lot.

I remember the day she took her first steps. I remember when she had strep throat and had little blisters inside her mouth which caused her cheeks to be all poofy. It made her even cuter, if that was possible. As I said, she was a Mama's girl. It took until she was nearly 6 to get her off her pacifier, and she never made it all the way through kindergarten. She'd cry for Mama and Mama would go get her and keep her at home.

Throughout her childhood, she was cute, gangly, and funny. She started cheerleading for a community football team when she was about 5 or 6 years old, and she continued to be a cheerleader throughout high school. She was actually a Varsity Cheerleader for the same team that Emmit Smith and his brother played for. She was one of the popular, beautiful girls.

She was always tall and thin and pretty. I was always short and fat. She was always demure. I was always outspoken. She says she idolized me during her growing up years, but I didn't know anything about that. I always thought I embarrassed her and she was ashamed of me. I know this to be the case at some points, because we would ask me not to say anything "bad" (curse) in front of whichever boyfriend she was with at the time. They were always gorgeous, too -- almost always from a wealthy family.

She said that coming into my bedroom and poking through all my "big girl" stuff was the supreme highlight of her day -- that my room was always so cool. She said she loved it when I'd cut or style her hair, or put on makeup for her. She said that when I'd take her and my sister out to the movies or something, just us girls, it was a very special experience. I didn't know this until she told me in the last few years.

I'm seven years older than she is, so I was out of the house before she even became a teenager. When I was 16 and she was 9, our father died after a long bout with lung cancer. After that experience, she became nervous, paranoid. When my Mom began dating, she would repeatedly ask them if they were going to be crossing any railroad tracks or going over any bridges -- clearly scared to death that something would happen to her. Naturally, this event affected us all in some way -- different ways, as we were all different ages and had different relationships with our father, and mother, for that matter.

I learned later that she had been discovered to be drinking during her high school years. I think this was discovered by my Mom when she found a stash of empty beer cans in my sister's closet. This was when my sis was the only one still at home, so she had a lot going for her. Mom would indulge her by buying designer clothes (jeans, shoes, etc.). She had to have everything just so. My other sister and brother and I agreed that she was incredibly spoiled and that Mom was crazy to do all that for her.

Later I learned that my sister had male "friends". My mom at one point told me about a man who lived nearby who was so nice to my sister -- he gave her money for no reason other than she was so sweet. At the time, I was definitely disbelieving, but having nothing more to go on, I couldn't really dispute it. Then my sister moved out to California, to live with my brother and his then-wife. While there, she took up company with a much older, married, rich man, who kept her in style, apparently. Got her modeling jobs, took her to Vegas, NYC, etc. Got her an apartment, paid the bills, paid for schooling in Graphic Arts. It was during this time, around 1991, when I'd start to get phone calls from her late at night, her crying, saying she'd been drinking and doing a lot of cocaine and she wanted to stop. She would have been about 22 then. I encouraged her to seek help, to get into AA or some other 12 Step Program and get herself straightened up. I was in Al-Anon at that time, due to the fact that I was married to an alcoholic myself. She would always agree with me, but to my knowledge, never did anything about it.

She grew tired of "not being allowed to date" by this man who was footing the bills (imagine that!) and he basically kicked her to the curb. She got a boyfriend immediately, and together they moved to Toledo, OH for some reason. That's where she met current ex-hubby.

They began to date. And in February of 2003, she called my mother, crying, hysterical, saying he'd shoved her and threatened to kill her cat. She needed help, and off my mother ran. Now, just the day before my baby sister called my mother, I called my mother to ask her to come visit me for the weekend. I had left my alcoholic husband and was getting a divorce. I was very upset, scared, and grossly in need of care, but mom said she just couldn't do it. Which was typical of my mother. But when baby sister called, mom got a plane ticket with that much notice, and headed up to Toledo. This also was the weekend of a terrible blizzard (we're from FLORIDA, for God's sake), so driving back was dicey, at best. Mom moved sis home, lock, stock and barrel. Then she proceeded to get her set up in an apartment, with another girl, ON THE BEACH.

Fast forward to March -- my sister breaks the news to my parents that now-ex-hubby has tracked her down in Florida, and they went to the Justice of the Peace to get married. You can only imagine the disappointment we all felt -- her marrying the guy who she said was abusive to her and threatened to kill an innocent animal. Never mind all the money my mother spent to go get her, move her, set her up, etc. Sister and hubby move back to Toledo.

Over the course of time, I get calls from her occasionally, saying he's beating her or shoving her, threatening her, punching holes in the walls, etc. I always tell her to come down to my house (then in Memphis) and we'll figure out what to do. Always she'd say she would, and then an hour or two later she'd call and say she'd changed her mind, they were working it out. This got old, of course, but I could never turn down my own blood, especially my beloved baby sister.

Then, the inevitable happened -- she had a baby. A beautiful baby girl, who continues to be astonishingly beautiful. She turned 8 years old on Friday. This child worries that her butt is too big. An 8 year old! At some point my sister told me she thought having a baby would fix things. You know -- the oldest line in the book. Needless to say, nothing got fixed.

As time went on, hubby began playing the stock market, and hit it big with day trading, so they moved back to Florida, bought and renovated my mother's house, and lived there -- neither of them working. Apparently, her drinking got worse and worse. Even her daughter knew something bad was going on. She'd say mommy smelled funny, or mommy acted funny. She was always on guard and always trying to protect her mother.

Finally, FINALLY, after nearly burning the house down leaving candles burning and passing out drunk, she was admitted into an alcohol rehab facility for women. This was in September of 2001. Early September of 2001. She seemed to be making progress, but after the events of 9/11, she wanted to check out "to be with her family". Though no one wanted her to do that, we could understand a little bit that with all the unknowns, it was at least understandable. So she went home.

They, as a family, moved back to Illinois, where they'd lived before moving to Florida. Somehow (HA!) they'd gone through all the money they'd had and hubby needed to go back to work. She starts to drink again, and at one point, AT HIS URGING AND WITH HIS SUPPORT, she became a stripper. Yes, you heard me -- a STRIPPER. One night she got into a fight inthe parking lot of a strip joint she was working at, and got beaten up badly. She was taken away in handcuffs, to the psych ward of the hospital, where she'd already been a visitor several times, after drunken fights with hubby. She claimed she "didn't do anything", but I would bet pretty much anything that it's very very rare for someone to be beaten up for no reason. This was maybe 2002.

I encouraged my mother to go get her, and bring her back to Florida because she clearly could not be around husband and the people she was associating with. So down to Florida they go, and he files for divorce. Sister gets a job, and things seem to be going OK. But she starts to "go out" after work -- be gone for hours. The divorce papers are drawn up to say that their daughter's residence must be within 25 miles of her father's union hall, period. Sister signs this without benefit of counsel, or letting ANYONE ELSE read the papers. This means she has to move back to Illinois.

Mom moves her back in early 2003. Spends a small fortune getting her set up, because hubby threw away all kind of stuff from their house -- like kitchen things... dishes... glassware... clothes... you name it.The divorce becomes final. Sister starts dating. Ex-hubby doesn't like this, naturally, because he's a controller. Boyfriend is babysitting one night while sister is at work. Ex-hubby shows up, sees him in there, knocks on the door, and when boyfriend opens it, ex-hubby begins to pummel his face, blacking both eyes, and worse. He snatches niece, and drives her, drunk, to a bar, interestingly enough. He thinks about what's happened, and decides he'd better WALK to the police station to file a complaint of assault and battery against boyfriend.

I get the call -- sister and niece need me. I need to babysit niece so sister can go file papers, etc., so I call in to my own job and take emergency leave. I go up there, and whenever ex-hubby calls, I take niece and leave, going anywhere to be away from that home because I'm petrified of what he'll do if he comes there. It was a week from hell. During this week, a very special friend of mine died, which only made it worse.

Fast forward -- a few months later, sister says she's pregnant with child #2, and ex-hubby is the father. She also tells me, I remember, that they remarried. Now she says she didn't say that. In any event, what can you do? There's a baby on the way. We hope for the best. Baby comes, and she's beautiful, but I can't stand to be around hubby, who, btw, wasn't present at the birth and left the next day to go out of town for OPTIONAL work. I brought sister and new baby home from the hospital. I stayed up, with new niece sleeping on my chest, all night long so sister, who was still in pain from the C-section, could get some sleep. Oh, and I was a six-month newlywed at that time, really missing my husband.

Within a very short time, she announces yet another pregnancy, and had a little boy 11 months after the 2nd girl. Now she's complaining again about ex-hubby, how he treats her, won't give her enough money to get more than a day's worth of food. She begs me to come visit. My brother, sister, mother and I chipped in to buy her a new computer, because we want to be sure she is able to stay connected to us, and her computer is old and on its last legs. I agree to take it up to her, surprising her. This is last October.

While there, things are tense. She and ex-hubby, with whom she still lives to this day, had a fight, because she was drunk, from beer HE had bought and given to her, and he'd thrown something at her, missing her but cracking the windshield of her car. On the Saturday of that weekend, I witness the following: phone (which is difficult to hear on at best due to static and crackling) rings, it's for my niece, the ex-hubby answers it, and gives it to her. I can see/hear her, and she can't hear what the person on the other end is saying. She finally hangs up the phone because she can't hear them. She takes the phone to her dad to tell him that she couldn't hear on the phone. He said to her in an angry voice that she needed to leave the phone on the hook so it could charge up! Actually, that wouldn't happen, because it was a crappy phone. Had nothing to do with the amount of charge on it. The phone rings again, and niece, as instructed, left it on the hook. Hearing the message as it was being left on the answering machine, it was the girl who called, calling back. Ex-hubby came around the corner, hollering at my niece that she should answer the phone when it rings! I stood up and told him to hold on a minute -- he'd just told her to LEAVE IT ON THE HOOK -- she couldn't do both. He gave me a glare that told me that if he could, he'd light into me like white on rice.

The next day, it's time to leave (couldn't have been soon enough), and my sister begins to apologize for the condition of the house. I tell her, in front of him, that considering she has no help, I think it looks fine. Ex-hubby gets REALLY pissed and says "What do I look like?". I replied, I think with great restraint, "Not much in my book." He then starts in on me, saying I don't listen, that I can't tell him how to behave with his family, etc. I argue back and finally, after a few minutes, realize he's growing more and more angry and may actually decide to hit me, so I left. I see my sister out in her driveway, which is where she went when she heard us start to fight, and I take her by the shoulders and tell her "He's going to KILL you one day, and maybe these kids, too! You need to leave, get your act together, and cut your ties with this man." She begs me not to talk this way in front of the kids. I tell her the kids already know something's wrong, and it's her responsibility to care for her children and protect them from harm.

My hubby and I leave, and are about 10 minutes down the road when I get a call from my mom, saying sister called her, after calling the police to have hubby removed from the house. She wants us to return to help her pack and help get them out of the house. We turn around, and we help them pack. We take them to our house, and deliver them to our parents in the morning.

Fast forward 2 months -- just after Christmas, sister returns to Illinois, because ex-hubby has been calling daily, sending her $$$, and violating the restraining order she swore out against him to keep him from hunting her down. In other words, same song, 15th verse.

Now my mother and stepfather are probably at her home by now, because of this rape allegation. Every one of us has wondered if this is a real or exaggerated charge. It really really sucks to think like that, but experience tells us that what she says is not terribly reliable.

On the one hand, I want to go hug my little sister, pet her, tell her everything's going to be alright. And I want to get her kids out of that house, because I don't want them to think things are supposed to be like this. I hope that at some point I'll get the chance to keep these children for a while, to show them what a "normal" family is like. I don't know if that will happen. I hope it doesn't happen through the court system, but maybe that's the only alternative.

My mom plans to insist my sister get rehab, as long as their insurance will allow her to stay in. Problem is, she's not married to ex-hubby, so it will be dependent on what she can get through Medicaid, unless she continues to do what she's been doing and pretending they were never divorced, therefore committing insurance fraud.

So there are my thoughts about my sister. One big jumbled up mess, and I've left quite a bit out. I don't know quite how to think about this or how to respond to it. I can't go be around her ex, and I don't know that I can be around her. I want to see the children. I hope I can help care for them. I want my sister to suddenly wake up and be alright. And I want to believe that fairytales, like this, can come true. But I'm a realist, and know that's not going to happen.

If you're the praying type, say a prayer for my very sick baby sister, and for my whole family. We need all the help and support we can get.

Peace,
WIP

Ministry

2006-04-13T06:35:00.000-06:00

If you read yesterday's post, you'll know it was a genuinely sucky day, to say the least. But there were things I left out.

The first thing was that my mother, healthy sister, and brother were concerned about ME and how I would take the news about baby sister. ME! This is novel. But I realize it's only because I've been honest with them about what I've experienced since the big blow up with baby sister's ex in October. I told them the truth about my slide down into the grips of partially medication-induced despair, and now they are protective of me. I'm not used to this, but I think I like it. My healthy sister said the main thing she was concerned about was what the news of the rape would do to me, hoping it would not send me spiralling downward again. When she heard my voice on the phone, she said she was so relieved to hear me sounding so well. Later, we talked again, and we both admitted that we felt a little less "OK" than we had before, now that there had been time to let it all sink in, but I assured her that I'm still not backsliding. A little more depressed than I have been lately, but not overly so.

Second was the care used in how I would learn this hideous news. My mother had phoned my brother at 6am, which is about the time they learned about the incident. My brother then called my husband on his cell phone, because no one wanted to wake me out of a dead sleep to tell me this. Husband then left me a note to call him when I got up. While it was obvious something was wrong, I do agree this was a gentler way to find out than to answer that phone myself.

Third -- after my medical appointments yesterday, I realized I needed to talk to someone, badly. So, I called a friend who happens to be employed by my church. I asked if she was in her office, and could I come by. She said of course, and off I went. I was able to cry and unburden myself to her, and while I was there, our Minister knocked on her door, not knowing I was there. When she saw me she said "Oh! I just left a message on your answering machine! I was worried about you & hubby because I haven't seen you since the tornadoes and I know you live up in that area! Are you ok?" Now, this minister has only been with our church since August of last year, and is not from this area, so her knowing where *I* live is amazing to me, much less that she realized we weren't in the service Sunday (we were subbing in a Sunday School class -- actually, we call it Religious Education). I was so very touched -- I can't really express how much that meant to me.

She then said she could see that, while I said I was OK, meaning I'd survived the storm, I was definitely not OK for some other reason, and if I wanted to talk, she was there. I told her that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, but my friend could share with her after I left. Then my friend brought up something totally unrelated to my reason for being there, which the Minister needed information on, thus distracting me. We discussed this issue, and I recalled that the Minister needed help doing something on the Internet. I offered to come up to her office to help her do it, since I was there anyway.

Now, I had NO intention of talking with her about this at this particular time. I've never gone to a minister to talk about anything in my life, other than getting married. I have not trusted ministers in the past, because I've always seen them as judgemental, and feared that if I ever did tell them anything "serious" they would always hold it against me. But I had forgotten that I don't go to those kinds of churches any more. While sitting at the Minister's desk with her, working on this Internet issue, I began to cry again, and I told her what happened. She immediately took my hand, so softly and so gently, and tears welled up in her eyes, too. She heard my words and felt my feelings, I think. Though she offered no advice whatsoever, she ministered to me in the very best way possible. She simply listened and sympathized -- she didn't "preach" or anything else. She held my hand, and she heard me.

I felt more ministered to by those simple acts than I've ever experienced in my entire 43 years. Connection -- that's what ministry is. That's what church is. And I'm an exceptionally lucky person to have finally found this. Some people never do.

Peace,
WIP

Three's the charm (not even funny)

2006-04-12T18:33:00.000-06:00

When I woke up this morning, preparing to go have my CT scan, I found a note from my husband on my laptop saying to call him as soon as I got up. That's never good news, people. I had heard his cell phone ring earlier, but never heard him talk on it, so I thought that had been a wrong number. It was not a wrong number. It was my dear brother, who'd just spoken to my mother, and he was calling to tell my husband that my youngest sister, the "bad" one for whom I have to find another name, was raped last night/this morning. Yes, you read that right -- RAPED.

Background -- little sister is an alcoholic from way back. Has been in and out of treatment. Likes to drink, but also seems to like to take anything that will get her high. Don't know about stuff like meth, though -- that hasn't cropped up yet, that I know of. But pot, liquor, pain killers, cocaine -- that stuff has all been in the picture. She has had many run ins with the law -- she has been in bar fights -- she has been "an exotic dancer" -- she has been taken to the hospital in handcuffs. None of this looks good, does it?

She also has an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive ex-husband, WITH WHOM SHE STILL LIVES. I had a run in with him in October, which precipitated my fall into the depths of post-traumatic stress and depression. She also has 3 children: my precious 8 year old niece who tries to take care of everyone, bless her heart; a nearly 2 year old daughter she had with the ex after they were divorced, followed by the nearly 1 year old son she had with him.

The story: After ex-hubby goes to sleep, she goes out with a girlfriend and that girl's boyfriend. She leaves ex-hubby a note saying she's gone out with them. This has happened before, we learned today. At 4am, sister returns home, screaming, crying, looking very disheveled, saying to the girl "You set me up! How could you do that to me???" She tells ex-hubby she was raped, held down by the girl's boyfriend and raped. Her clothes are torn and she looks as though she's been in a struggle. They call the police, who take her to the hospital to have the rape kit done. For some reason (can't imagine!!), the police don't seem to believe her, or this is what we're told. I spoke with a friend here who is a social worker and works closely with people in situations like this and was told that it may not be that they don't believe her, but that they don't have enough to go on. After all, there would be 3 of them against 1 of her, where stories are concerned.

My sister-in-law, who is about the toughest, most tenacious broad on the planet, got some info from sister and ex-hubby, and starts poking around on the internet. She finds a guy who matches the boyfriend's description. Where does she find it? On a sexual predator database. She's faxed this info to sister and ex-hubby. Ex-hubby has been calling the "friend" who was involved in all this, who they claim has changed her story several times. When ex-hubby stated that the police were going to get the surveillance tape of the place where this supposedly occurred, the girlfriend's story changed again.

As of this moment, my parents are on their way up to Illinois from Florida. They may or may not stop here overnight. They hope to be able to get my sister into an alcohol & drug treatment program, and apparently really have a come-to-Jesus-meeting with ex-hubby. He has been buying her alcohol, pot and pills, supposedly to keep her from going out drinking. But he doesn't seem to understand that MY SISTER CAN NEVER, EVER DRINK OR DRUG AGAIN. She can't handle it -- she's an addict and he enables her to remain one. Nevermind that that might be his way of controlling her and keeping her where she is (with him, dependent).

My brother somehow became the smartest guy on earth when I wasn't looking, too. We learned a while back that ex-hubby only gives her enough money to buy one meal's worth of groceries at a time, or one day's worth of baby formula. Brother extrapolated today that maybe the reason for this is that ex-hubby knows if he gives her any more, she'll go out and drink. I think he may be on to something.

So, here we go again. All attention is focused up Illinois way, and we're awaiting the outcome. I am praying that A) sister did not contract any STDs, including HIV, and B) that this is the bottom she's needed to hit to get her into rehab for the long term, and for real this time, and C) they find the bastards who did this and lock them up and throw away the key.

PS -- Thank God for Klonopin and Xanax.

WIP

Health news

2006-04-12T18:26:00.000-06:00

Today I had a sinus CT which showed that I do not currently have a sinus infection. It did show, however, that I have an extra blood vessel in my skull itself. What's up with that????

One other finding was that there is a place in my sinus cavity that has the potential to become a chronic site of infection, but nothing can be done about it now. I had Functional Endoscopic Sinus Surgery in 2002, and I did get better. I would have to have that again if this site of some kind of cells whose names I don't remember thickens or whatever.

Tomorrow I go for my first physical therapy session. I have no idea what to expect. This is for my neck/shoulder/arm/back pain, but I have to show them also my left calf. Why, you ask? Because I did something bad to it, apparently.

A couple of weeks ago, my 15 year old niece visited, and we went to SHOPRYLAND! That would be the Opry Mills Mall-o-rama, which is probably 1 mile or more of walking if you do the whole thing. Which, of course, we did. Well, Aunty here got what I thought was a charley horse in my calf. But, it didn't get better. In fact, every time I tried to walk on it, it seemed to hurt. Then, Friday, when we were having the hideous tornadoey day from hell, I was trying to go down the stairs to the basement when I felt something pull or tear. So today I notice that area of my calf is bruised, and that there feels like there's a knot inside there. So, one more thing to add to my growing list of ways that I'm old, tired, and worn out.

Ain't life grand?

WIP

A new dream

2006-04-12T18:02:00.000-06:00

Tell me, people, does anyone else dream as much as I do? I don't even put down on cyberpaper all the dreams I have -- just the ones that I can remember enough to keep intact while writing about it. I think my mind is busier at night than it is in the daytime, which is quite hard to imagine.

Let me preface this post by saying that April 28 is the anniversary of my husband's late wife's death from Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. She had this disease for over a year, and he nursed her the entire time. At one point she was hospitalized for 104 days, and he took a leave of absence from work so he could stay with her. Further, during the last months of her life, she developed neutropenia. This is the definition, taken from the Merck Manual:

Neutropenia is an abnormally low number of neutrophils in the blood.

Neutrophils serve as the major defense of the body against acute bacterial and certain fungal infections. Neutrophils usually constitute about 45 to 75% of all white blood cells in the bloodstream. When the neutrophil count falls below 1,000 cells per microliter of blood, the risk of infection increases somewhat; when it falls below 500 cells per microliter, the risk of infection increases greatly. Without the key defense provided by neutrophils, a person has problems controlling infections and is at risk of dying from an infection.

Her neutropenia made daily life difficult, to say the least. In her last month of life, she was plagued by a number of conditions, including a chloroma. This definition is taken from Wikipedia:

A chloroma is a solid tumor composed of immature white blood cells called myeloid precursor cells.

They are most often found in acute myelocytic leukemia (AML) but may be found in other myeloproliferative disorders such as polycythemia vera, hypereosinophilia, and myeloid metaplasia.

Chloromas may be seen under the skin, around the eyes, or in the mouth. They are often very tender.

In her case the chloroma was at her ear, causing her intense and excruciating pain.

She also began to bleed out, which was difficult to deal with, of course. She became more and more "out of it", partially due to the morphine and other drugs she was given for pain management. She could not see, she could not walk unaided, if at all, and the list went on and on. My dear husband, to say the least, was a saint. He remained off work to care for his dear wife throughout her illness until she was finally taken on the very last day of her life to inpatient hospice care. It was there she was released from her pain.

On to the dream:

She and I are in "our house", which is not really the house we've both lived in, but the one in my dream. We're alone, and she doesn't know who I am. I introduce myself by name -- I know who she is, and I know she's dead. She doesn't know that, but knows something's different. She looks beautiful -- her skin is clear and so soft, her hair is nice and full and wavy -- darker like it was toward the end of her life. She does not have the Bell's Palsy that she had toward the end, or any other malady. She is happy, and happy to know me. She also has a melodious giggle and such a sweet voice. (She really did in real life too, though she was also known to be quite loud and rowdy at times, much to the delight and chagrin of all who knew her, from what I've been told). She is a little confused about why things are moved around, but I help her find things. She still hasn't asked why my last name is the same as hers, but I think in my dream that she knows why. I tell her about Hubby, that he's doing well and that he loves her very much. I tell her I wish I had known her sooner, because I like her so much and know that we would have had such fun together. She agrees, and we feel like old friends. We hug, and I feel warm, and loved, and welcomed.

I don't know how this dream ended, but it wasn't in a negative way at all. I felt so warm and happy when I woke up. I don't believe in ghosts or visitations, but I still have the feeling that she was with me last night. It is not, I don't think, coincidental that Hubby just finished transcribing his journal from that last month just yesterday. He has journaled for years, but he could not bring himself to read or transcribe that last month until just the last 3 days.

When I told him about this dream, he broke down into tears, and then into sobs. He was both so happy and so sorrowful at the same time. I held him, and stroked his hair, telling him it was alright to cry on my shoulder. He loved her to distraction, and he cared for her like no one else could. And now, he loves me and I benefit from his tremendous capacity for love and devotion. Everyone of you reading this has the right and reason to be jealous, because my hubby is the total package and then some. Bonafide.

Now he's out mowing the lawn. I hope he take comfort from what I was able to tell him. I know I am comforted by it.

Peace,
WIP

The first "something" identified, and more medical stuff

2006-04-11T13:35:00.000-06:00

(Images borrowed from Spineuniversity.com)

Today I learned that I have a bone spur around the C-6 vertebra, and arthritis.

The bone spur is impinging on the canal that carries oh, pretty much all of the body's nerves from up the spine. This is causing me to have pain in my neck, back and arms for sure -- possibly causing some pain in my legs and hips. If you want to read more, I found this: A Patient's Guide to Rehabilitation of the Cervical Spine, also from Spineuniversity.com.

While I'm not thrilled to have this diagnosis, I am, in a weird way, relieved. I'm not crazy! There really has been something wrong and it still is wrong. For the last two weeks I've been taking Skelaxin, a muscle relaxer, and Lodine ER, a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory that is stronger & more effective, supposedly, than over the counter meds. While there has been some improvement in my headaches (YAYAYYAY!), there has been little to know improvement in the pain in my arms, shoulders, neck and upper back.

So, I am to continue taking the rest of the meds I was given, and I am being set up for physical therapy. Don't know exactly what that will involve for me, but I'm hoping it will help. If it doesn't, then we go to more aggressive measures, with the first step being an MRI to determine exactly what kind of damage I have in that region.

Also, tomorrow I'm set to have a sinus CT, to determine if I do indeed have yet another chronic infection (I'd lay odds that I do). Tomorrow afternoon, I'll see the ENT again. I've had surgery for this once (Functional Endoscopic Sinus Surgery), and I suppose it helped. Apparently, my turbinates on the right side were congenitally tiny -- had been that way since birth, in other words -- which explains why I've had sinusitis all my life. For a while, I was doing better, not having infection after infection. The problem, I think, was that I'd become resistant to a lot of commonly used antibiotics, like Augmentin. Last time I was treated with Augmentin was January, but I ended up having to see an ENT last month because the infection never totally went away. He gave me Levaquin, which helped, but I still have some congestion and other issues that make me think there's still some infection process going on. Hopefully, we can identify what's going on and take care of it. Being "sick" gets really old.

That's it for this post. Hope you're all healthy -- if you're wealthy and wise, though, get in touch with me. We need to talk! :)

WIP

Tornadoes and hummingbirds

2006-04-10T17:01:00.000-06:00

Friday was a terrifying day. Today was quite the opposite. On Friday we were tormented by tornadoes, which left 13 people dead in my town and surrounding area, and destroyed countless homes and businesses. Today is a picture-perfect spring day, and I saw my first hummingbird of the season. Funny how so much can change in such a short time.

It's hard to imagine that life as we know it can be gone in an instant, but nature shows us that all the time. Out of nowhere there are violent occurrences -- earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, tornadoes -- that prove to us that life is fragile, and possessions are virtually meaningless. What good does it do to own a million dollar home if a tornado finds it? Ask people from New Orleans how much possessions actually matter when you're faced with leaving it behind or losing your life.

Then again, there are these little hummingbirds, that seem to have no mission in life other than to eat and be miraculous-looking. How do they hover in midair like that, sipping nectar? I know the mechanics of it, but why are there creatures like that that need to eat so much because they use up so much energy just getting the food?

Why did the hail that pounded my house on Friday knock holes in a plastic bin on my deck, but didn't dent my car, which was parked out in the driveway? How did I get so fortunate as to have a neighbor I've met only a few times call me from her office on the other side of town to warn me to get down in the basement before the storm hit? And then, later, her daughter called to check on me. What's up with that?

I'm exhausted today, and won't write much more. Just wanted to put those thoughts out there and get them out of my head. I'm hoping to sit here and see more of my beautiful visitors partake of the nectar buffet we've laid out for the, eagerly awaiting their arrival.

April 7 -- my precious niece's birthday, and the day Goodlettsville, Hendersonville and Gallatin were partially demolished. April 10 -- the day the hummingbirds came back.

Peace,
WIP

Last night's dreams...

2006-04-06T15:13:00.000-06:00

I hate having to put this stuff here, but if I don't, I'll forget or won't be able to get it out of my head. This is another bummer -- be warned.

A bit of history/context. Tomorrow is my niece's birthday -- she's the oldest daughter of my "bad" sister. (I have to think of another way to refer to her. I don't want to continue having negative feelings towards her. Any suggestions, you all?) My Mom and I were talking yesterday about her birthday, and I mentioned that I might call. Mom said that they (Mom, stepdad, sister and nephew) planned to visit other sister and her kids in the summer, and will have another party for niece so that my nephew can be there. She adores him, and he pretends to be very indifferent, but he's really not. Anywho, I told Mom that they were all welcome to do the visit here, and that I just couldn't go to sister's house. I know my other sister doesn't want to go there either, and neither do my parents. None of us have any interest in being around my ex-brother-in-law, with whom my sister still lives and has had 2 additional children by after their divorce. Now, onto the dream.

We (me, hubby, Mom, stepdad, sister, her hubby, nephew, and my brother) are visiting sister at her home, against our better judgement. Ex-b-i-l is out of town, supposedly, but we still feel uneasy. Naturally, he returns home, and the games begin. He gets angry, outside of our presence, about a little gift I'd given niece. (I have sent her a Butterfly growing kit for her birthday in real life -- hope she gets it in time!) It was a little replica of a Carolina Wren (no clue why I remembered that part). He was hollering at sister, saying something about it messing up his truck in some way, like interfering with the way it ran. This was impossible, and the men just kind of blew it off, saying how stupid he is, obviously not understanding anything about how vehicles operate (kind of true in real life). They suggest that we get out of the house for a while, take my niece for a walk or something. We do, and are browsing around a country kind of general store -- wooden floors I remember clearly. We realize it's time to return home, though no one wants to. When we get back, ex-b-i-l is gone, thankfully. We relax, and sister wanted to make something to eat. But when she checked, there was basically nothing in the house -- only cleaning supplies, and very little of those. (Ex-b-i-l has a habit of constantly using stuff like 409 every time any little thing gets dropped on the floor or sits on the countertops. With 2 toddlers under the age of 2, that happens ALOT. VERY weird.) Sister is embarrassed, as she normally is when we visit because of him. He returns home, and they have a conversation in another room so we can't hear, but of course we hear him because he's hollering at her, again. Sister comes in the room to try to make an excuse, and Mom asked why she stays with him, he treates her so badly that it makes NO SENSE for her to stay. Sister doesn't answer. We start talking about other things. Ex-b-i-l is doing something with his truck that he said the present I gave niece messed up, and gets it running, but uncontrollably, and it wrecks through the wall of the garage, and goes out into the street. We all see then that the truck is just bare bones, basically, and shouldn't be allowed to be used anyway. He gets angry that we see this and can see how stupid he is. He comes into the house, stomping around, hollering, etc., so the men get up and get ready to protect us. We girls go into the bathroom to hide, and even have to get into the bathtub to all fit. The bathtub had water in it. I sneak out somehow so I can see what's going on and see that my brother and stepdad have guns, so I naturally feel afraid of what's going to happen next. In my dream (and in real life) I know that only the most dire situation would make them bring or use guns, so it's clear to me that they're going to put an end to this (him) once and for all. But I'm very afraid because I know how cunning ex-b-i-l is and how crafty he can be.

My last memory is of being in the bathtub with water and being very afraid. I can see my 'good' sister's hands shaking with fear, and my niece's eyes so wide and terrified that it breaks my heart.

Then I woke up.

Events of the day

2006-04-06T14:31:00.000-06:00

Well, this morning I had my C-spine series, and now I'm waiting to hear back from my doc about how we proceed. I'm hoping for physical therapy, and perhaps stronger drugs for a while. That sounds bad just on its own, but I mean I want to feel better, not get doped up! lol

For quite a while, like 4 months or more, I've tried to avoid any substance, natural or otherwise, that would interfere with my getting better. I would LOVE to get off as many of the drugs I take as possible. I am not sure why I have to take BP meds when my BP is normal, though in the high range of normal, even when I don't take them. I frequently experience (check out this high tech doctory phrase) orthostatic hypotension -- meaning when I stand up after sitting or lying down, I get all dizzy and fainty and stuff. You've all probably experienced that from time to time. I experience it several times a day. Now that I think about, probably mentioning that to my doc would be a good idea, huh? My yearly physical is scheduled for May, so I think I'll start making a list of questions/concerns that I need to have answers for.

Also, I'm having my gynecological exam then, too, and hope that I can actually ADD a drug to my routine. I would like to find out if I can take Metformin (Glucophage). I have the condition known as PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. This is why I've never been able to have children. Here's some info about PCOS:

PCOS: Symptoms

PCOS is not easy for doctors to diagnose. The common symptoms of PCOS include irregular or absent menstrual cycles and evidence of excess male hormones, such as facial hair growth, acne, and hair thinning (female balding). Many, but not all, women with PCOS are overweight. Even if several of the symptoms that follow are present, a woman may not have a case of PCOS. They may have a condition that affects the adrenal gland or the thyroid gland, for example.

The underlying cause of PCOS is an imbalance of hormones. This imbalance often seems to be linked with the way the body processes insulin. Insulin is a hormone produced in the pancreas that promotes use of blood sugar (glucose). Insulin problems can increase male hormone production by the ovaries.

So, you can see the interest in Metformin. I don't know if I can take it with all the other crap I ingest, but it's worth a shot.

Switching gears -- we're expecting strong storms tonight and tomorrow, which bites. This is the time of year when the south, particularly, gets bitch-slapped by Mother Nature. The midwest catches it too, but since I've always lived in the south, this is something very familiar to me. Sunday night was when west Tennessee and south central Kentucky (just above me!) had strong, violent storms that left 23 people dead. Now, I'm not normally a chicken, but I do admit to being a little freaky about the storms.

Growing up in Pensacola, FL, I was used to hurricanes and thunderstorms. But up here it's different -- there are TORNADOES to deal with. That's a very different animal. With hurricanes, you have warning, and have an opportunity to prepare or flee. With the storms we have here, you don't get that opportunity. You just have to wait & see what happens. I really HATE that part. I'm not good with the unknown factor in all of this. Spontaneity is one thing, but this isn't the right kind of spontaneity I'm into.

So, send me some good vibes, wouldja? I will be keeping a "weather-eye" out -- is that really a phrase or just something weather people made up?

Peace,
WIP

Adventures in healthcare

2006-04-05T09:30:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I feel like a walking disaster, especially medically. For my entire life I've had various conditions that have been at best, a pain in the ass. At worst, they've ranged from just plain annoying to potentially life-threatening. Though I have always described myself as pretty healthy, I have to now wonder if I can continue to say that. I'm thinking no.

I am a walking pharmacy.

My current prescriptions are as follows:

Norvasc 10 mg Â QD
Diovan 80 mg Â QD
Aspirin 81 mg Â QD
Triamterene/HCTZ 37.5/25 Â QD
Spironolactone 100 mg Â QD
Multivitamin with Niacin Â QD
Astelin Â 2 sprays each nostril BID
Flonase Â 2 sprays each nostril QPM
Effexor Â 225 mg QD
Klonopin -- .5 mg (1/2 to 2 tablets QHS, .5 QAM and .5 PRN)
Trazodone Â 50mg (Â½ to 2 tablets QHS)

And, temporarily:
Skelaxin 800mg TID
Lodine ER 400mg QD

So, if you made it through the whole list, you may ask, what all is wrong with you??? Well, here's the list: chronic sinusitis (lifelong -- had sinus surgery a few years ago that helped, but am having problems again), hypertension, under good control, even without meds (developed after my husband died -- prior to that, I tended toward low BP, and at worst, normal), mitral valve prolapse, sliding hiatal hernia (mostly controlled), depression (under good control now), anxiety/panic disorder (under control), left ventricular hypertrophy (as the result of hypertension), carpal tunnel syndrome in both hands (had surgery scheduled in January but had to postpone due to sinusitis and psych issues at the time, now resolved), and now, some musculoskeletal pain and headaches bothering me since January, about the time I had a "pseudo flu" that rolled over into acute sinusitis, that don't seem to have a particular cause.

I discussed these issues with both my psychatrist and a nurse practitioner in my family doctor's office. Both, independently, stated that it's possible that I may have Fibromyalgia. I am not happy to hear this, although the nurse practitioner did state that it might be nice to have a name for all of these seemingly unrelated symptoms. The symptoms include:

Depression (more under control with Effexor)
Numbness or tingling sensations in the hands and feet (paresthesia)
Difficulty concentrating (not constant, but bothersome enough)
Mood changes (more under control with Effexor)
Chest pain
Irritable bladder (have to urinate frequently)
Dry eyes, skin and mouth (definitely skin & mouth, maybe drugs-related)
Painful menstrual periods (not sure if it's the "normal" pain)
Dizziness
Anxiety (under control with Klonopin)
Widespread pain (neck, shoulders, arms, hips, thighs, calves)
Fatigue and sleep disturbances (not as bad with Trazodone)
Irritable bowel syndrome (occasionally, and life-long)
Headaches and facial pain (right temple, site of shingles previously, bridge of nose)
Heightened sensitivity (sound for me)

I have 13 of these symptoms from time to time, some almost always, some just occasionally. So, I'm hoping that since I don't have a lot all the time, that means I don't have this umbrella syndrome.

Today I go for an X-ray
to determine if there's any reason I can't have physical therapy.

I truly hope I can have the physical therapy. I think I would benefit from that in a number of ways, including pain management. I truly don't want to hurt. I truly want to be healthier. I truly want to be able to use my body the way it was designed to be used.

I am also obese, in case I haven't made that clear in the past. But, as a result of living with a man who actually cares about being healthy (he's been doing Jazzercise for 18 years now) and knows how to eat correctly, I've lost weight and become healthier in the process, I believe. My cholesterol is under 200, my blood sugar is normal, my heart rate is normal, bp stays normal, and even the stress test I had a couple of years ago, before marrying healthy hubby was normal. I even walk/do physical things more than I used to.

Overall, I'm pretty fortunate. There are no major diseases on either side of my family, other than the fact that my father died of lung cancer at age 46. His father died in his 70s of complications from atherosclerosis, but his mother died at age 89 from an abdominal aortic aneurysm that she'd had for many years. My mother's father died at 89 from complications of a stroke he'd had more than 10 years before (that's all the info I have -- I'm sure there was more to it). Her mother, age 88, is still alive and doing well. ALL of them consumed tobacco products, either by smoking hand-rolled cigarettes or dipping snuff. My Dad smoked, and so did my Mom for a long time. I smoked until a little over 9 years ago, when I quit cold-turkey.

So, here I go to get my x-ray. It will be interesting to see A) what kind of xray(s) I'll have, and B) what they'll say, and finally C) where we'll go from there. Naturally, I'll put it here in the blog.

Peace,
WIP

Frustrating Dreamscape, AGAIN

2006-04-05T08:48:00.000-06:00

Anyone who knows me knows this is a picture that rattles my nerves. I am viscerally freaked out by this image, but it's the one that best portrays what my dreams last night made me feel.First dream: Lance was still alive, or back, maybe, and I knew exactly when he was going to die, but he didn't. I don't think he even knew he was sick. Every moment was tinged with great sadness, because I couldn't let him know. We went down to the University of Mississippi, his alma mater, and I pointed out that there was a traditional rebel flag flying, but it was old and tattered. It was definitely out of place, but not, if that makes sense. He laughed about that. We went to the "library" which was a very opulent place, with artwork all over and very elaborate, swooping walkways -- very elegant, kind of art deco style. I was wearing a ball gown -- a kind of light blue with a little hint of green, with a shimmering, nearly transparent outer fabric. The fabric underneath was the same color, but satin, and I felt beautiful in this dress. He kept lingering over certain things, laughing, enjoying, but I felt a sense of urgency, knowing how little time we had. His friend Mike was with him, and that contributed to his dallying. Eventually, Lance and I were home, and he was still oblivious to the impending end of his life. I felt the weight of the knowledge I had get heavier and heavier, though he remained his usual cheerful self. I don't recall the details, but I know we were separated at the time of his death, which is not what happened in real life. I recall, though, trying to get to him from wherever I was, but it just wasn't possible.

Second dream: I am going to Las Vegas to attend a work-related gathering, which I have done in real life. I'm staying at one of those giant, opulent hotels. My (good) sister is staying there as well, along with a lot of people I've worked with online over the years. Arnie is concerned about my going and being there alone. I get checked in, go to my room, and leave my things. I leave the room to go meet up with other people. I don't realize it but I haven't brought my room key or my ID, money, etc. I do meet some folks face to face that I've only known online and we have a good time. I head back to my room, but realize I don't have my key, etc. I need to get dressed for an event that evening that is pretty formal. I mention to one of my co-workers that I need to get ready but don't have my room key. She suggested I just use one of their bathrooms to shower in. I go to where a common bathroom is, but it's already being used. I lie down on the floor, because I'm so sleepy, and do fall asleep. I try to wake up to check to see if it's empty, but I just can't stay awake. This goes on several times, until I'm finally able to wake up enough to stand. By that time I realize I have to get to my room, and I head toward the hotel lobby. As it turns out, it's a long, circuitous route to that area, but finally I find it. I tell them that I realize they can't just hand this out, but I need a duplicate room key and will be willing to give them any information necessary to verify that I am who I say I am. They give me a look that says, "Yeah, right." An older woman gets some paperwork and asks me to move over to another area to get this info. I have some papers in my hand that keep slipping out, and I'm having to stop and pick them up frequently. The lady asks me to write down my date of birth, and a few other things, which I try to do, but the paper she wants me to write on is very thin and flimsy, so that if you don't do it just right, it will tear. I start to write my DOB, but realize it's in the wrong place, so I scratch it out, and then fear they'll think I'm lying because of that. I again try to write it down, but the paper is just too flimsy. The woman has disappeared anyway, so I have to go find someone else who can help me. This person is more helpful, and I tell them not only can I give them my DOB, I can give them the 3 digit security code from my credit card, along with about the first 10 numbers. Then I realize my sister is in the hotel and can vouch for me, so I tell them that, too, but the DOB and CC info is enough, and I get my duplicate room key. Though I've seen them somewhere, I don't remember where they are, and ask for directions. They say they're not allowed to tell us that -- company policy. So, in great frustration, I start searching for the elevators that will get me up to my room. Walking, walking, walking -- so tired -- there are show people everywhere -- glittery costumes, theaters with Vegas-like performances going on, but no elevators. I get lost, because there are no landmarks that are any different from any others. I try to ask people for directions, but everyone is so busy with what they're doing that they don't even notice me. I find an area where there are some things for sale -- perfume is the thing closest to me, and there are some salespeople and janitors there. This area is not as ritzy as the rest of the hotel, and it's practically deserted of anyone but staff. I go up to 2 of the male janitors, and tell them what's been going on. I beg them to please please please tell me how to get to the freakin' elevators, and they agree, because they think the no-tell policy is stupid, and they can see how frustrated and tired I am. One guy gives me directions while the other guy looks out for people trying to listen in. I thank them and head in the direction they told me. But quickly I realize I've forgotten the instructions, and can't find my way back to them. More and more frustration...no one to help... Then I either wake up or just can't remember the rest.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,
WIP

Last night's dream

2006-04-04T17:50:00.000-06:00

I put these things here because I need to remember them. I don't know if they are of any particular interest to anyone, other than my friends/family members who read this, but putting them down helps me recall them when I need to.

Last night I dreamed that my brother, sisters were living in our parents home, just like when we were kids, but we were all adults. I had another place to live, not in this home. Mom and Dad looked younger than they would at this time. After a while, we realized Mom & Dad were gone, but we didn't know where. I went to the kitchen to fix us all something to eat, but there was nothing I could put together to make a meal for us. Everyone was hungry, but there was nothing I could do. A while later, Mom & Dad come in, laughing, acting as though they'd been out having a wonderful time, without a care in the world. I asked where they'd been, and they replied nonchalantly that they'd been out to dinner. I was pissed, and asked if they brought anything home for us, and they said no, they hadn't even thought about it, and looked pretty chagrined. This REALLY pissed me off, and I left to go back to my place.

I discovered once I was there that all my stuff was moved over to my parents' house, because I had moved out and didn't remember. I started looking for a place to live, feeling desperate. I could see a bedroom in my parents' home, the one I grew up in, that was pretty empty, other than a dresser, a television, and an uncomfortable sofa. Some of my clothes were in the closet, but not the ones I needed. I was very sad, and felt very much alone and abandoned.

Transition to a place that had nothing to do with where I was before. I was with a friend, whose boyfriend was a truck driver. It was snowing. The roads were very snowed over, and it was also icy. My friend told me to go with her boyfriend to get a ride to someplace far away that I needed to go. I didn't trust this guy very much, but hoped that because my friend was the one who put us together for this ride, he'd leave me alone. We got into the 18 wheeler and began to drive. In a short time he began making inappropriate remarks and trying to touch me. I told him very firmly that I had no interest in him and that I would tell my friend what he was doing if he didn't stop. He basically just laughed. We stopped at a big truck stop somewhere, and I ran away. This truckstop had a very complicated series of hallways, and was attached to a big hotel. I went through hall after hall, with him chasing me, laughing. He had friends helping him chase me, too, so I felt very afraid.

I don't know how, but I got away and don't remember anything after that. I woke up either then or soon after.

WIP

Happy Birthday, Dad

2006-04-04T13:12:00.000-06:00

This is my Dad, complete with pee stain from me.

T his is my Dad, with me in his lap.

Th is is my Dad, & me taking a snooze on his chest.

My dad died in August of 1979, just as I was about to start my senior year of high school. He had lung cancer, and a pituitary gland tumor. His illness was a long and difficult one, that left our family pretty devastated. Today he would have been 73 years old.

I've had a really complicated journey in thinking about and dealing with my Dad in therapy. He and I did not have a great relationship as I remember it. However, I know without question that he loved me very much. One of the difficulties we had was communication, as many fathers and daughters do. He was always on top of me, trying to make me conform to his world view, afraid I would be hurt somehow or get into some kind of irreparable trouble. I guess that's part of what Dad's do. I, however, was very stubborn (imagine that!) and determined to prove my father wrong in almost everything he wanted to foist upon me. I was too smart for my own good at that time.

But now, in my 40s, I miss him greatly. I have so many questions I'd like answered. My Dad was a big music lover, introducing me, I guess from birth, to artists like Johnny Cash, Ray Charles, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Connie Francis (didn't care for her quite as much). There seemed to always be music in our house. I remember being greatly enamored with Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made For Walking", and my Dad bought me the record.
This was 1966, and I was 4 years old. Pretty spiffy for a 4 year old, don't you think? Another record I remember clearly is the Disney album for the original movie "The Jungle Book".

Now I'm 43, and married to a professional musician, who plays music in many of the styles Dad enjoyed. I realized that recently -- that my Dad had a wide variety of musical interests. This was a novel thought when it first occurred -- I really had always seen him as closed-minded and backwards somehow. But now I realize he was into a lot of interesting stuff. He loved Mahalia Jackson's singing, as well as Roger Miller's. He liked to dance, but my Mom didn't -- she says she has no rhythm. But we kids loved to dance to the fast music Dad liked to play, and he enjoyed us doing it.This is my brother and me in the kitchen, whoopin' it up! I think we're about 4 and 2 in this.

I can't help but wonder what our relationship would be like today. Would he approve of me? Would he be someone I could talk to about things like politics? I think religion would be out of the question, but how about racism? Could we talk about the war in Iraq? What would he think of Bush & Co.? Would he be impressed with or even enjoy my husband's music? How about the grandkids? How would he be with them? So many questions without answers.

I'm not sad today, but I do recognize this date as significant. One of my nieces has a birthday in a few days, and I know my Dad would have enjoyed that connection.

So, Happy Birthday, Daddy -- wherever you are out there. :) I love you, and I miss you. I wish you were here to talk with, and so I could cook for you, show you things, get your views. People tell me I look like you, and act like you in some ways -- they always say that as a compliment, too, so I know you'd be proud of that. I'm sorry you had to suffer, and I'm sorry you had to leave us so soon, but I'm glad you were my Dad.

Love,
WIP

Growth

2006-04-02T16:42:00.000-06:00

This has been quite a week here, with a lot of unexpected things going on. As a result, I have learned a lot about myself. Here's a short list:

I am very idealistic.
I am very sensitive, in ways that surprise me sometimes.
I am very adaptable.
I enjoy ministering to others.
I'm good at ministering to others.
I have great, creative ideas sometimes.
I have a more raucous sense of humor than I had thought, though anyone knowing me will laugh at that, I'm sure.
I can make a quiche successfully. :)
I can host a nice dinner party, with the help of Hubby, and a great guest list.
I don't hold grudges for as long as I may have in the past.
I need friends, real life friends, to connect with.
I really miss people with whom I've been friends in other places I've lived.
I want to let some bygones be bygones with some folks and regain a treasured relationship.
People can tell a difference in my mood now.
I can tell a difference in my mood now.
I may have fibromyalgia.
The idea of something like fibromyalgia scares me, even if it will explain a constellation of symptoms that have not seemed related in the past.
I am resilient.

All of that is good information to have about oneself. In conversations with a couple of women I know, one whom I know much better than the other, both have suggested that some of the crap I've had to deal with this week has to do with the fact that I'm getting more and more involved in my community and am making an impact. I truly hadn't thought of it that way, but doesn't that sound a lot better than "Well, it was just a crappy week."

Spring is springing, with my Japanese Cherry Tree bursting forth its blooms. There are tons of birds and butterflies in my yard now, and I am looking forward to replanting this year. Last year was my first gardening experience, and it actually worked! A lot of credit goes to Hubby, who is the King of the Garden, as well as King of the Grill, of Word and Excel, of the Keyboards, and some other things I can't mention in polite company. :D Frankly, he and I make a damn near unbeatable team, and that makes me really happy. I am so blessed to have him as my life-partner, and I am so proud of him. He humbles me, and I don't mean intentionally. I aspire to be more like him, and to learn from his experience and example.

I hope this week will be a peaceful one. I would like to do a few things, like maybe play with some art supplies, try to do beading, read, relax, cook, and compile a little cookbook for a friend who needs some help with new recipes and ways to cook that will be high on protein, low on carbs, in that she doesn't want/need to consume more than 30 grams of carbs at any one time. I think I can handle that. I love to cook and have tons of recipes and cookbooks, so this should be pretty much up my alley.

If you're reading this, thank you for taking the time. My life is enriched by knowing that I am making connections across the blogosphere, however tenuous, but it does all matter and it does all serve to help me appreciate the interconnected web of existence in which we live.

Peace, people, and do something GOOD for yourself this week.

WIP